You are the best parent(s) for your child(ren): #5 Legacy

Mastery.

Without mastery, we are a short step away from madness.

Exaggerated
Excessive
Impulsive
Divisive
Extreme

We turn any way today and we find these are true. From Instagram to news, from the private to the public sphere. Within borders and beyond.

Debt (from weddings to lifestyle)

Family breakage (from our way to my way)

Brexit (complicated, but the unmeasured words are a huge contributing factor)

Bombings (Sri Lanka, New Zealand…)

Assault (bloody chop-up at hawker centre)

Violation (voyeuristic videoing at a tertiary institution)

We love being masters. We long to be. Masters of wealth, the dream relationship, vacation…of the universe (albeit of the screen variety). But we are not meant to be masters. Masters own their success too keenly and often break apart when that goes away... Although we got the idea when we crown those at the pinnacle of their game, masters. But let that teach us it is all about mastery, a posture and a commitment, not a position.

We are meant to develop mastery.

“Let us make man in our image….and let them rule…” ~ Genesis 1v26

To rule, we have to know the rules.

So God gave us minds to inquire, observe, study, make connections.


To rule, we have to reign.

So God gave us abilities, gifts, opportunities to grow in knowledge, discipline, strength, resolve and resilience.


To rule, we have to relate.

So God situated us in an interdependent ecosystem.



This calls for us to develop mastery -

where we own our agency and submit that to a higher vision of a flourishing world.

We need to master our weaknesses -
so that they we don’t give in to sloth, compromise, convenience (plastic is a case in point), blaming.

We need to master our strengths -
so that we don’t detach from others and the larger vision of life, and start using people and commodifying everything.

We need to master our emotions, thoughts, impulses and choices -
by submitting them to a higher Authority so that they are revealed for what they are, and in trading in truth, we walk free.

And what better to illustrate than this entertaining and o-so-true experiment with marshmallows!

“I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free”

~ Psalm 119v32

This verse has a dialectic to it - where one leads and reinforces the other. Both are bound together: obedience and freedom.

Freedom is not being a master - getting your way. Today, that’s the message sold to us.

Self-care!
Express yourself
Change the laws that limit you
Change anything about yourself

There is no respect for the ecosystem. People can hurt, forests can burn, oceans can be poisoned.

There is no rest as we cast off our boundaries and limits, constantly coveting what others have.

There is no clear result of what we are pursuing as we break the rules and head towards anarchy.



It’s important we return to the mandate given to us in creation, which requires us to develop mastery.

Tragically,

There are grown married men who remain selfish and neglectful of those he’s meant to take care of.

There are mothers who abandon their children for ‘love’ and ‘a better life’. 

There are leaders aplenty who line their pockets and are blind to the suffering of the people who elected them.

And mind you, mastery doesn’t come with big strokes of genius. It is developed through the small stuff.

And here’s where Parenting comes in, and our worst fears too.

Where are the parents who are willing to develop and model and teach mastery because they can

budget, simplify and live by their values - which if you chose to be a parent - means you value life itself (not it’s accessories such as grades, fancy food and costly vacations)

do the hard thing of losing sleep, endless rounds of diaper changing, answering the hundredth “why”, sound like a broken record with “you cannot have that now…”

slow down to help the child grow his bodily, emotional and mental muscles when you know a mess is waiting, a meltdown is coming, a demand and a pout are moments away, all of which we would rather not deal with (have the maid feed and clean, give in, shut them down with your anger).

Heck, I would love to see parents stop using their phones when they are with their little ones! That would be mastery!

Parents, we need to stop worrying about the kids making it the future. They are designed to make it - if they have seen you model mastery and find they can too.


I have a plan (vague I admit) for every stage of my child’s growth. It starts with:

What is a reasonable thing that my child should be able to do at this time?

I believe the first thing was pausing to give thanks before drinking (after the bfeeding routine settled). Then came holding his bottle. Then came listening to instructions, and obeying them promptly (this is still ongoing ya).

Not so much to score your kid, but I found it fascinating as it helps me take note of his growth, give thanks for it and envision what is coming and work with it.

What is more life-giving than to witness growth?

The paradox is parenting is the most tiresome and yet most rewarding thing there is.

The boss may toss your proposal into the bin. Your best output may never be measured or commended even. But children - it’s pretty instant feedback! You get short shifts to stay on your toes, dig into your creative reserves, and draw on every ounce of energy, motivation, prayer and help there is.

Children plug us back in the truths:

Ecosystem

Growth through discipline

Rules exist

--- which lead us down strange paths of freedom.

And remind us that there is a vision called Life, which is Legacy.



Countdown to the 5 things a parent MUST do:

#4 Let Them Grow You

#3 Build Competence

#2 Give Them Safety and Security

#1 Build Emotional Bonds


If you have time, save this link where other aspects of Mastery are talked about: from faith-life to sex.
If your emotions need a bit of help, then save this link: Mastering Emotions ++

You Are the Best Parent(s) for your child(ren): #4 Let them grow you

Recently I came across an article about Toxic Parenting.

'Toxic' seems to be the word of choice these days: toxic BGR, toxic workplace etc.... It's a harsh word, and I want to avoid it -

"containing or being poisonous... capable of causing death or serious debilitation"
 "extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful"

But alas, I have seen that humans are capable of being toxic. We may not murder a child but we can certainly kill their aspirations. We may not set out to be malicious, but being careless with our words and often too tired to really listen, we can do serious hurt to their souls. We may even set up life to veer them towards success or protect them from heartache only to find that we have hurt rather than helped them.


The human soul is fragile, vulnerable and invincible all at once.

We just need to know when it is which - and respond appropriately.

Much has been said about allowing them to develop according to their pace, and meting out expectations and consequences that fit their age and behaviour. But there is a piece that is often overlooked.

In order to grow under our shade, we need to be a growing tree ourselves.

pics from TreeNation

One form of toxicity in parenting that happens commonly, especially in Asian families is the 'father knows best', 'mother has it all under control' mantra. This form of parenting can occur quite subconsciously in a few ways:

- we are too busy to really listen and discuss things over with our children
- we are too impatient with the issues which feel unimportant to us, so we brush them off
- we are nervous that we don't have an answer, so we offer one too soon

A vivid way to see this happening is what I call the distraction tactic that so many use. When a young child fusses, we turn to a distraction - offer them a toy, point to an invisible airplane, promise them some goody later...There is a place for this with a young toddler who may not be able to manage their impulses. But some parents continue to use this even as the child grows! We change the subject, take them shopping, plan a vacation.... all the while, the pain point is not addressed.

Adults always think we are rather done with growing up, and fixate on not growing old. 

In truth, each of us is such a complex being that there are always areas and facets of us that need to mature. We may hold a post-graduate degree but be pretty infantile about some matters. We may run a successful business but struggle with anger outbursts. We may even be a religious leader but go weak in the knees when we have to manage a conflict.

This is where the children come in so wonderfully.

They grow us in generosity when we save the best piece of chicken for them.
They grow us in simplicity as we embrace the humdrum of simple days in their earliest years.
They grow us in patience when we have to repeat the same instruction which seems to slide off their teen teflon brains
They grow us in character when we have to help them navigate choices that are right for them.
They grow us in clarity when we watch as our cherished dreams come crashing as their unique personalities blossom.
They grow us in grit when we have to be the adult and model the behaviour we want to see in them.

They also grow us in courage when we may have to stand up for them and with them.
They also grow us in faith when we recognise that our parenting season has a limit, and we have to wait to see the full flower in years to come.
The list goes on...

How has your child(ren) grown you?

One thing I like to do on their birthdays is to thank them for how they are helping me to grow. The very first time I did it, their eyes were like saucers, surprised as they were that they have agency and can impact another life!

There is in fact a perfect listing of life virtues, traits of Christ that goes like this:

BibleStudyTools

- and you tell me that your children don't present you the opportunity to grow in these!

In fact, which one of these is wanting to develop in you right now?


In order to let your child(ren) grow you, 2 things are needed:

1. accept your child

Not a single one of us is totally satisfied with our child(ren). I regret to inform you that this is a no-return policy! We love to play games guessing who was responsible for what gene component, which seems somewhat harmless when they are two and we want to know where the curly hair came from. But soon enough, we are talking about personality traits, habits and even automatic responses that trouble and upset us.

To just get a glimpse of my journey with these surprises, you can check these out:

When You Don't Feel Very Confident
When Your Kid Marches To A Different Drum And You Feel Beat

Thankfully, we are more than a bundle of nerves predetermined by our genes. There is the power of prayer and nurture to both call forth and even reverse genetic predispositions! In this, our children present us ongoing opportunities to grow as we search our hearts for what to pray and how to nurture.

The God of the generations marvelously sets us up to grow into and with each other. I winced when I see parents wishing their kids were different and inadvertently convey that!

If you find your child difficult, it means you expect something easier. Question that expectation. Then dig into your soul and pray for your heart to shift. The tussle must give way to a dance, for dancing is what brings momentum, joy and movement.


2. acknowledge your fears

FOMO much? Yes! I am afraid we live in an age of anxiety now. If you use distraction (shopping, socialising, travel) to avoid confronting your own fears, you really won't have much to cushion or process the fears of your children. I regret to inform you this factoid: coitus means you are an adult. Our world has made pleasure such an idol and narrowed its vision to a self-seeking version, that all forms of responsibility seem devoid of pleasure, which is a lie.

There is a satisfaction and quiet joy that comes from doing what is right, staying the course, being the adult.

But those fears, they will sneak up on you. Like the good adult you are, turn and say, "I call your bluff".

To be fair, we can have rational, legitimate fears, like Math (haha)! These too we must face and deal with. I am never going to be a Math whiz, but my children have certainly seen me nearly die trying!

What Kind of Tree Are You?  ~FreePik

I grew up in an era when we thought that the best thing we could do for our parents was study hard and get a great job. When I sensed God call me to become a pastor (what my mom considered a poor church mouse), her heart was quite broken, as was mine. The future of security and financial enjoyment I felt was the repayment for her sacrifice and love for me vanished.

But God shifted both our hearts in this matter.

Her mother love overcame her disappointment. My filial love made me determined to set up a savings account for her. In a sovereign tick-tock moment, my mother openly and cheerily said she was ready to go to church and was baptised within a few months. Our bond of human blood was thickened and strengthened by the Saviour's. We were now able to talk about many more matters, and pray together. We were looking in the same direction towards our eternal hope.

My mother did not have a chance to go to school. She grew up with great deprivation, even toxicity by our standards. But in the amazing Providence of God, she had a quality that shone: she allowed us to grow her. Instead of diminishing her authority or influence, we knew she stood her ground where certain values were concerned (I had cane marks to prove it), while at the same time, being willing to interact with our crazy growth journeys by accommodating and adjusting her schedule, priorities and resources around us. She was reliable but not rigid. She was committed but not controlling. She was encouraging but not enmeshed.

She was our oak of righteousness, and we had such a sense of safety and contentment under her large shade.

She showed us that life comes with hard things and we are not to run.
She showed us that a growth mindset primes us to overcome and succeed.
She showed us that one can always keep growing up, even as one grows older.


So yes, 5 things you must do as a parent. It's not the best childcare centre, not the cord blood, not the vacation...it is:

#1 build emotional bonds
#2 provide safety and security
#3 build competence
#4 let them grow you

and watch for the last one: I won't reveal what it is yet...

Celebrating Hope Together (and a podcast!)

Perhaps you share some of my initial reactions to the idea of a rally where Christians gather in the nation's only and massive stadium...for evangelism.

“Can we, really fill the stadium...with friends?”
“Mass things are so passe though”

These thoughts lasted a few minutes. A huge reason is because the person speaking to the few hundred of us pastors gathered for our annual prayer Summit was the Bishop of the Anglican church, a man I have huge regard for. He is known for his shining pastoral heart and prayerfulness. So I know this has nothing to do with grandeur.


Then I honestly struggled with the state of churches and Christianity in Singapore. We are far from a celebratory hope-filled people. I remember how as a young pastor I had to admonish my congregation about our obvious lack of joy, the way we come to church and leave as if by rote with low engagement and impact.

Not being a local church pastor who can rally the people, I also felt hamstrung about how to participate in this (leaders tend to think mobilisation, we can't help it).

My next huge concern was how the next generation, many of whom are now schooled in a postmodern milieu would take to this. They prefer more intimate settings which feel more authentic to them.

This in turn led to the issue of my age. For a few years now I have wondered about my role as an inter-gen person. In my fifties, and not being a senior pastor, I don’t belong to the older ranks of leaders. But I am certainly not a ‘young adult’ any more, no matter how much I feel like being a millennial trapped in a time warp, captured in this post: searching for my generation, in which I share about how the word ‘bridge’ came to mind. Clearly, I can be a bridge between the generations. I have grown up with the days of one guitar and praise songbooks, the overhead projector and cyclostyling stencil machines (you may need to google this), to donning a pager as a pastor (which my kids merrily drowned when they threw me in the pool once), and am now on social media et al.

My concerns began to be addressed!

First, there was an inter-gen session where we listened to four older brothers talk about their experience of the Billy Graham Crusade back in 1978 (I was twelve then!). All of us present witnessed the warmth between the men, two of them biological brothers… how the memories of those heady days of faith and sheer gargantuan hardwork to get a national level rally going in a mere eleven months, shone as they spoke. Most of all, all four of them still blazed with a fiery zeal for the Gospel. To say we were educated, humbled and inspired is an understatement.

(You can read about this gathering here: two generations talk about the BG crusade)


As I prayed and met with more people, I felt a genuine sense of conviciton and excitement growing.

We are not working towards an event. We are letting this vision of a people gathered in celebration catalyse us to ask hard questions, such as what is Hope to you?

As the gravity of our holy calling to seek and to love, to pray and to care dawns, may our spiritual poverty lead us to seek training, to pray, to believe afresh, and o unite deeper.

It is a beautiful journey that is propelling us towards our destiny, if we would see with eyes of humble faith.

A huge piece was this podcast conversation  with Bishop Rennis and Rev Tony Yeo. Their affable and genuine answers help capture a sense of all that God has in store for us through this! Be sure to listen.

Really, what is Hope to you?
Who around you needs Hope, and how can this Celebration be a part of sharing Hope with them?