How sorry is sorry enough....and why it matters.

How sorry is sorry enough?

In our world of feel-good, no one wants to be, feel, or say sorry these days. I mean, when was the last time you apologized to someone; or had someone apologized to you?

There is even a need for a book like this:

We are awkward, clumsy, unsure and unwilling about it.
Parents, especially moms are probably luckiest when our kids, very little, are fairly quick to say sorry.

But they outgrow it!

What does 'sorry' mean?

There are two things to be sorry about when something goes wrong. We are sorry for our actions. We are sorry for the effects of our actions; how it has impacted others.

Whilst the children were still little, I learnt from watching other parents to teach them to say, 

I am sorry I disobeyed and didn't pack my toys.

I am sorry I threw the toy on the floor. 

-- an apology that includes how they feel and what they did wrong. 

The thing is, well into adulthood, we continue to have our toys and tantrums. But we may well have learnt the fine skill of justifying and rationalizing it all. We would also have learnt the art of self-defense where our motives and actions are always somewhat right so there's nothing to really apologize for.

Deeper into the territory, we may decide that it is pointless to apologize or feel sorry since nothing really changes; we are just different and should go our separate ways.

This explains why with all our education and the best of spiritual persuasion, the world is full of pride and prejudice, selfishness and sin: we learn to be comfortable with it all; it's the way things are and we can’t really change it.

Some of us even parent our children into this reality -

You mustn't trust anybody so easily
If you don't fight for it, someone else will get it
Take care of yourself, no one is going to take care of you

Any wonder if our homes and churches and communities ricochet with hurt, accusation and apathy?

I wonder about this. No one ever taught me to say sorry. I was totally bad at it. There were very few instances I felt a need to express it, and when I did, it rarely found it way through my teeth. Feeling remorseful and wrestling with regret is more virgin territory to me than uttering the word 'sorry'.

What I saw growing up was folks making amends and coping: the uneasy, awkward silence, the clumsy attempts to patch up with deeds of kindness, staying away to avoid further trouble, or just being silent and hoping it will all be forgotten in time. I could never be sure where the relationships stood. They were not classroom lessons; but lessons nonetheless - more is caught than taught after all.

But these approaches didn't cut it. Not as a spouse, a parent or a leader.

My spouse is the expert 'apologiser'. I tease him (and believe) that his apologies have many times saved our marriage. Sometimes I look at him and wonder what on earth he is even apologising for! We are both sensitive souls; but perhaps sensitised to slightly different stimuli.

My children of course were not going to be able to learn well if they don't have a humble posture in life. To help them learn the needful art of restoring relationships, I needed to model apology for them; and there were plenty of opportunities for sure:

Mom is so sorry I raised my voice just now
I am so sorry you feel this way...
Sniff, I am sorry, please let's forgive each other and hug up...
Sorry I had to turn the TV off because…
Mom is crying because I am sorry I disobeyed God…

Life is about growing in Grace and Truth - the twin pillars of living for what's right, and in a way that is bold and enriches others - and being sorry is inevitable. The energy for sorrow and making amends propels us towards growth. We learn from our failures and persevere in our convictions. We hack away the tendrils of complacency and compromise to be able to stand tall and strong. We fight our self-preservation tendencies and pride to hunker down and do the work necessary to keep the ship afloat and sailing.

The power of being sorry, rightly.

Like all powers, it begins early and has to be trained and harnessed. It is not a true power when a child says sorry when told to. It is not a true power when an adult says sorry because he's backed against a wall. It has to happen from the inside out. 

So how sorry is enough?

It's easy to tell a child to 'say sorry'. But we must do more.

We must then progress to help them see the values behind it and nurture their hearts to embrace those values:

relationships matter,
truth matters,
your motives and methods matter.

Above all, when we are proud and loveless, when we choose the easy way out and lie or cheat, when we pretend and hide behind a veneer of respectability and good behaviour, we are doing self-harm and dis- honouring God.

Saying sorry needs to be taken to the highest court.

 I have found that no real change happens until this occurs. When we are willing to stand before God and admit our sin, when we can turn to another and admit the pain we caused them…..when we are truly sorry, we change. Short of that, we easily return our old ways and fall into familiar ruts again and again. This is how we get jaded and numbed and cynical of real change and Kingdom glory.

In fact, many traditions and cultures create a way for apology and renewal of trust; often at cusp of a new year.

The Muslims seek the forgiveness of their elders at the start of Adil Fitri.
The Hindus are stern about familial order - if you touched an older person rudely, an immediate apology is required.
The Chinese will organise a meal where the aggrieved party is served tea by the contrite offender.

For the Christian?

There is confession before God that can happen anytime - what freedom!

"if we confess our sins, he is just faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." ~ 1 John 1v9

And then there are Seasons for deeper reflections leading to root origins of some of our most pernicious and duplicitous behaviour. We are in such a season right now: Lent. It began with Ash Wednesday when we remember our mortality and our sinful bent and mark it with ash on our foreheads (not all Churches do so these days).

Christians who have known mercy and live upon Grace, and know how to say sorry will be peace-makers, and O how our world needs that!


And here is a portion of the wonderful movie Inside Out that can be a great tutorial. Sorry is a hard territory and can be a long way - through the places of pride and fear of being rejected or ridiculed. But Short cuts may not cut it... a clip from Inside Out... and this is what it's like - just a series of events...when we don't ever process all our jumbled emotions...

and if you want a proper study about it: when a Japanese apologises and when an American does.

Notes from a Pandemic to help us To Really Live in 2021

 Ok, that's a tad of a bold claim.

But that's the heart of this blog, of all I write, and this ebook experiment.

A bit of backstory about ebooks -

In 2017 I felt my writing well was rather dry so I gave myself permission to write something fun. The result was MEWSINGS - which involved three things:

(1) learning to self-publish

(2) helping an injured  migrant worker with some income as he sketches from photos of Chats

(3) gifting copies to SPCA for their funders

***

2020 the year of Clarity everyone had opined, is really been forcing us to see many things we have rather ignored, distract ourselves from, swept under the carpet.

Throughout this year, and especially during the first two months as the reality of a Pandemic unfolded before a shocked world, quite unprepared for this scale of disruption, I wrote bits and bytes to make sense of it all.

The result, among other things, is this little ebook: 

Notes From A PAN*IC ..*dem: getting ready for a new normal

My hope is that it can be useful for you to take stock and make some choices that will help you to really live, free, fierce and joyously fiery into 2021.

And honestly, this is how I feel about it all --

stay well,

jenni

a personal Jubilee: starting over happens everyday

J.U.B.I.L.E.E.

It was much anticipated. Singapore's wildest, biggest, most extravagant national party! There have been many movements and moments leading up to it... groups doing craft, entire blocks of flats getting a makeover with all kinds of motifs (I just saw a block that had koalas on it!), folks making videos, writing songs, doing new and wondrous things! As citizens we were given SG50 goodie bags, and over the long celebratory weekend, there will be carnivals, free rides and museum entrances. On the first day of that weekend I even bought a yoghurt at half price!

For someone convalescing and with a few commitments to attend to; I resorted to a vicarious experience of it all via social media... everyone was totally soaking up the celebratory atmosphere over the four-day long weekend. One friend wrote, "hopping from one activity to the next, the fun never ends!". Sounds rather odd for Singapore honestly!

And of course it culminated in this parade la grande ~

largest fireworks in our history

party!

amazing black knights flew '50' formation 

-- which the family caught on TV. I totally missed it, having booked to spend time over a very special conversation with someone who just flew in. I must say I feel a hole in me for having missed our Jubilee Parade.

But losses don't have to be total! On the last day of the long weekend break, we finally headed to one of our favourite places: the Botanic Gardens, now a Unesco World Heritage site. It was so heartwarming to see families and folks strolling, enjoying the vast gardens... there was laughter and one family even did a little race across the lawn. Lovely, energetic fun with a generally cool weather to boot. It felt so good to be alive after the brush with death, and just soak up the Jubilee atmosphere!

So we're 50; and how old that feels depends on who's talking --

As a nation, this has truly been a poignant year. The fact that we are a tiny lil isle in a vast sea that is now bobbing with tremendous uncertainty is not lost to us. Looking back at our journey from colony to statehood to affluent cosmopolitan city-state is an exercise in wonder. So much and so many could have gone awry. Still, it's as if Providence charted a course for us and shielded us through it all.

Jubilee as a notion is of course far more than a mere counting of years. It is a biblical concept that is all about justice, equity and second chances. When the fiftieth year rolls around, everything must be restored. Slaves must be set free, land that was mortgaged must be returned, loans must be canceled. 

Jubilee is all of our cherished hope - the chance to start over. Can someone please wipe the slate clean? Take back my harsh words, rash decision, too quick to press 'enter' trigger finger? Can someone pls cancel away my debts, let me off the hook?

The Jubilee sounds too good to be true. It is also easily abused. The Bible warns against the abuses, and appeals to the heart that desires hope to offer it to others.

But we grasp for ourselves - first.

We want the Jubilee. We may not be so quick to offer it to others. Just forget, forgive, let go? Ask the person next to me.

The Jubilee can be mighty uncomfortable too. We are all creatures of habit and routine. To have to change course, loose bonds, re-imagine what you truly own is quite unsettling. If Ami has been making your breakfast, you could well wake up to having to make your own! From these small shifts to larger ones including taking out title deeds and handing them over; the Jubilee is hard to live out!

So each heart is squirming in the juices of calculation and wariness.

A Jubilee can only happen when we want things God's way and not ours.

It is easy to glibly raise our voices and blow our shofars at the prospect of it; but within our hearts nothing really shifts. We return back to our old ways and set patterns.

Unless -- we realise that the message of the Jubilee is about a just society that depends on God - and that happens when we are personally set free  to depend on God and not see each other as competition, see the world as a limited pie that must be carved up, see our lives as desperate, lacking, unfulfilled.

Jubilee for any society can only happen when it becomes a personal Jubilee.

We must reach for the freedom God offers us in the paradox of offering it to others.
We must reach for the freedom God offers us in the releasing of what we have crafted and engineered for our safety, security and significance.
We must reach for the freedom God offers us in the forgiving of others, and in seeking their welfare.

Listen to this:
Things We Leave Behind

It's hard to imagine

the freedom

 we find
from the things we leave behind

There is some nervousness about the future of Singapore. We have an election coming. We are maturing, asking questions and challenging norms.
There is always some anxiety in our hearts, especially those of us who are parents!


But it's the Jubilee - try to imagine freedom. And pray about finding it in your own heart first.
And that is a daily prayer, a daily discovery, a daily commitment.

More God-years Singapore!

A Psalm pick-me-up

Raise your hand if you have felt --

like someone understood when you read the Psalms

like God has come close

reality is drawn out and the massive sense of being drowned ebbs away...

The Psalms are an amazing collection of pick-me-ups; affirming our frailty and calling us to faith. 

Today, I share with us how the Psalms fall into four large categories; and with this knowledge, you may know better where to turn  ---

1. hymns which begin with praise and recounts God's marvel in creation and acts of redemption and end again with a praise rejoinder.

These Psalms are great for personal, family and corporate worship! You can use he beginnings and write you own experience of God's wonder in creation or list out recent experiences of His Grace. A wonderful exercise of reflecting on God's presence and goodness for every one; i imagine the little ones can easily join in the grand fun!

{8,, 19,29,33, 46-48, 76, 84, 93, 96-100, 113, 114, 117, 122, 135, 136, 145-150}

2. Laments and cries for help directly calling out to God, often with a description of the woes and troubles, a sense of God's absence in some; and a re-assertion of faith in God. In some, the faith assertion ends the Psalm abruptly or is followed by a note of thanks; signaling a change in mood.
These Psalms model authenticity and a generous dash of audacity! But who can we open the depths of our being to - who will not cringe, counter-suggest, or try to command our feelings another way? God, i once told my seven year-old nephew is like a huge sponge and He can take anything that is spilling out of us.
Personally, these Psalms are the very things that first moved me to take up pen and begin writing my heart. I haven't stopped - for God has shown what a heart can fill up with...
Interestingly, these entreaties are not all solo. Groups can come together to mourn, wail, and cry before God. 

{Individual: 3, 5-7, 13, 17, 22, 25, 26, 28, 31, 25, 38, 42-43, 51, 54-57, 59, 63, 64, 69-71, 77, 86, 102, 120, 130, 140-143}
{Group: 12, 44, 60, 74, 80, 83, 85, 106, 123, 129, 137}

3. Thanksgiving Psalms are fantastic for any season for we are a people called to the way of grateful-ness. 

Alone or with others, giving thanks deepens our faith as we lift our eyes and hearts upward.

{18, 21, 30, 33, 34, 40, 65-58, 92, 116, 118, 124, 129, 138, 144}

4. Then there are Psalms that combine the elements such that one Psalm has hymn+cry+thanks. Psalm 119 stands like a tall tower as it develops the whole idea of God's Word with the human condition weaved in; making it sound a lot like Wisdom literature (ie. Proverbs, Ecclesiastes group). Finally, there are those Psalms that clearly have a prophetic pointing-to-Christ element. {2, 50, 75, 81, 82, 85, 95, 110}. 

What a grand idea to read these Psalms during Advent {link} as we prepare once again to welcome God's Amazing gift that begin with a young couple's outrageous obedience.

advent

ˈadv(ə)nt,-vɛnt/

noun

1. 1.

   the arrival of a notable person or thing.

   "the advent of television"

   synonyms:

   arrival, appearance, emergence, materialization, surfacing, occurrence,dawn, origin, birth, rise, development; More
2. 2.

   the first season of the Church year, leading up to Christmas and including the four preceding Sundays.

Which Psalm has held special meaning for you; touched you in a deep place... I'll be delighted for you to share it here with us. 

[notes from The New Jerusalem Bible]

There's a Question knocking on your door. Mine today: what to do about kids and phones?

Questions

I live with questions all the time. I suspect you do too. The kind we know cannot really be answered by Google.

These sorts of questions come knocking, and we have to decide if we will open the door and let them in. It’s a real risk because they may look shabby and smell worse. It’s a real hassle because sometimes they come with minors in tow - questions that beget questions.

But until we open the door, pull out a chair, offer a cup, take a seat, and listen, really listen, they never go away.

And by going away, it does not mean new ones won’t arrive. It means that our homestead, our soul has grown larger to accommodate and even enjoy their presence. For in time, we realise that these questions originated from us, and the need to come back home to us, where they are welcomed and integrated into our lives.

***

I woke early today while it was dark. It’s a practice I like to began a little more than a year ago but have had trouble keeping this year. This morning I was very surprised to find how fresh and even happy I felt to be sitting, waiting for the day to arrive.

As we know, each day is packaged by us in time slots and events and do-items. But this scaffold is hardly what the day is really about. It’s the messages, impressions, interactions and questions they pose that really make our day, because these are the things that actually shape us.

Annie Dillard famously said they how we spend our days is how we spend our lives.

She is of course referring to what we fill our days with. What goes into the blocks of moments and hours. What preoccupies us and more.

But what is this life we have that we are able to spend? Or expend? What do we lose as we spend it, what do we gain as we expend it?

Julian Alden Neer

I stood by the window, focusing on the bird calls to block out all the ubiquitous construction noises (welcome to Singapore - the island that every builds).

***

Like many parents, I struggle with how children adore their devices and spend inordinate amounts of time on it. We have done all the talking, structuring, threatening, rewarding and more… mine are not addicted by any stretch, but there is a pain in my heart to see that it’s such a default mode for them.

I admit that not being a fan of tech (and having severe worries about its effects, having being a student of philosophical positions of Ellul and Muggeridge) did propel towards a offensive-defensive game about it, with me mostly being sent to the bleaches in time out. Yes, it’s hard to win. You end up being the loser parent, who’s stuck in ‘her time’, unreal about things as they presently are… especially when your kids are plugged into a system that forms them for most of their waking hours, which uses tech with little careful thought.

Children bored after exams? Show them a movie or funny videos.

Hard to explain that concept? The entertaining explanatory Youtube vid to the rescue.

Too much to juggle? Update them via whatsapp.

Keep up with the times! Let every kid use a laptop (necessitating an entire IT‌ dept to police their use)

I tried to understand that these are ‘digital natives’. Machine learning is fine. At one time, it’s as if all kinds of craft and trade were enhanced - when the hairdresser or the architect can simulate, calculate, postulate.

But so much is plain mindlessness now.

So this morning, a question bubbled to my consciousness: are we losing entire generations to a soul numbing, mind dulling, relationship-starving way of life?

I realise this is what bothers me about it all.

Life is such a precious gift and we squander it, spend it, expend it so foolishly.

I ask my son, “don’t you want to explore anything? how about build something” go someplace?“

The answer is invariably no.

This is a kid I took to museums, maker faires, baked with, had long conversations, read poetry and made videos with. Where did he go?

Then something else hit me.

The phone and all it promises is way too easy, and our kids are way too tired.

So there is something corroborating here: adults, who build systems.

Parents who build systems in the home usually described in two words: busy and functional.

Educators who build systems our kids embed in: competitive and crowded.

The larger societal systems our kids whiff: dangerous and difficult.

Don’t you want to hide too?


My son will say I over-psychologise. I can and do. But almost always, I am also on to something. My questions are trying to serve me.

At this point, I wonder then if my children are really media literate? What am I modeling with my use of tech? How else can I build a family culture that really serves the generation entrusted to me? Is there a rallying call here for parents to arise to intercede and take back lost ground? Should we push back and get schools to really examine their methodologies?

It’s a big question. I just made a cup of coffee.



What question is knocking on your door?



notes:

Annie Dillard - American author, famous for her powerful nature prose. Quotable: "A schedule defends from chaos and whim."

Jacques Ellul - French philosopher and aly theologian, Quotable: "The goal of modern propaganda is no longer to transform opinion but to arouse an active and mythical belief."

Malcolm Muggeridge - British journalist and social critic. Quotable: "Every happening, great and small, is a parable whereby God speaks to us, and the art of life is to get the message."

aura photo headshot?

there were these two photos aligned for comparison: one with, another without - aura! yup, that's the new thing to hit spas. find out your aura and improve everything from circulation to waist-line!
this prompted my mind to recall a Q my seven-year-old posed to me just recently: why did adam and eve eat from the tree of theknowledge of good and evil? why didn't they eat from the other tree?
i told her i dont know. but one thing i do know: we can see the effects of that decision everyday.
i mean, isn't it true that we humans live on the brink of finding that one more piece of information that can make life healthier, happier and richer? from auras to patents to spirituality - we are continually on a hunt for the better, stronger, wiser, more efficient way to go about life.
which makes us run like mice on the ever-turning threadmill of effort.
i better sign off before i my writing leads me to some premature conclusion about how this would all turn out better...if only we knew...

Traveler's Views and Notes

~ an expensive trip for a frugal soul

the last two years we made long, costly trips. in 2012 i felt we needed to visit my brother in the USA. thankfully we did and enjoyed precious memories together: trying to ski, sitting by the fireplace, talking about the American elections, and most of all, the late night talks between us, about God. I still remember praying for snow for my son who has never seen that most magical sight: a snowfall. and just an hour before we needed to ride to the airport; there they came, floating down, gently at first! we grabbed our coats and dashed out the house to dance about in the falling of water in most beautiful forms! Hope seemed to bounce about us.

last june, i made a similar trip - but to bid him adieu from this side of heaven. a very different trip - back to the same lovely house of his on his sprawling yard; but this time it was sorting things out, crying, some laughing and as the family members poured in, food and more food; and more tears even as Grace wrapped around us and wove some fresh bonds.

earlier this year, the hubs and i while talking realised we never ever did have what is called a 'sabbatical'. still, we were grateful for the many pit-stops over the years to refuel and stay sane. then we thought, why not go to the one place we both love alot; and now that the kids are older, they will appreciate it more. New Zealand. Land of seas, sounds and sheep! 

but as i began to plan, i struggled. drawing out money to pay for trip to be with people we love makes sense to me. going on a trip just to enjoy ourselves felt so indulgent; especially when i am still learning Jesus' heart for the poor. i felt this strange conflict brewing in me. i wasn't sure where to place the line. my children have asked me before, "are we rich?". at first, my answer was "no". we were not rich by Singapore standards, when compared with many of our peers. But then, more recently, i have told them we are; because more than 80% of the world live with less than $10 a day.

so i kept checking back with the hubs our budget. can we really do this? 

we did it. we paid a tidy sum to-just-rest. it seems rather silly; but this is the state of our world. it tires

 us out so much. 

we skipped around animal poo on farms and talked with llamas, deer, sheep, chickens, ducks, seals, dogs, cats.. we drove or sat in an 11-hour train journey and went ooo and aah over the endless stretches of sea, rolling tussocks, sheep and cattle. we cooked and ate when we were hungry and basked in the long summer hours, exploring lakesides and glaciers. it was a lot of fun! we felt so enlivened to be so immersed in the beauty and power of creation. 

i had told the children why we are taking the trip: that we have both love the vast land; that there will be plenty for them to experience, that we will build great memories. i had reminded them of the expense and our values of not wasting and although i had thought to give some a little pocket change to spend; in the end, they both held back and didn't spend a cent on purchases! we came back just with ourselves, fattened by our wonderful experiences.

despite my inner struggle with the cost, amid the fears of spending alot and not getting a good return, the real and present danger of having to manage little tiffs and skirmishes of the heart..this was a trip held by Peace.

it was not so much about going away to get; but a making time and space to go deeper into something God had been seeking to deposit in our lives. Some times, we have to break our rhythms and even escape the scene to see and feel God's gifts deep enough they enter our beings.

At one point, i felt as if God himself stood between me and all my questions and anxieties and shielded me from the raucous soul-noises and just let me en-joy. a true vacation is one where you vacate the scene and just be.

and like the waters that are still reflect all the grandeur and beauty here, a quieted soul can take in the light and shape of all that is around and let them express without distorting them as rushing waters would.

~ wow, we did that?

i have a fear of heights while the hubs gets sick from motion. but i mounted a horse that must have been twelve hands tall and we took a small ski plane up to walk on snow upon ice! a lot of the time we felt too cold than we were used to; but mostly the weather permitted us to drive safely and enjoy the activities we did.

at mount cook, we were told the winds could get so strong that once the hotel windows all blew in and crashed. the hotel is solid reinforced steel and quite metallic and ugly-looking in order to survive the wild winds that come with such virgin territory. for the four little Singaporeans dizzy with delight? we had that "one fine, fantastic day" to fly out into the mountains the guide told us. 

young explorers at mount cook

without very precise planning {as i am not capable of it}  - we had moved in car, train, ship, horseback and on foot. we had lived in the city, in a monastery cradled in a valley, next to the sea, in the mountains and in a forest with deers around us!

Sometimes it's the journey that teaches you a lot about your destination ~ Drake.

Travel well friends!

To grief, mourn - for a stronger soul, and a gift of song

The way we grieve tells us more about who we truly are than all our acclamation. After all,

you mourn if you cherished
you cry if you feel loss
you sob silently for the broken heart is one that no longer holds it all together

This week will reveal our hearts, yea, our soul Singapore.

A visionary, sacrificial, bold architect of our little isle-state, one who is synonymous with our national journey is so many dimensions, has passed on.

We have been -
children who played
Teens who sulk
Adults who sweat and swear

But children, teens and adults all share one reality: we embody a soul. In times of grief, we cast off  our trappings and don the same apparel of mourning. We strip to basics and wear the cotton and linen and slop around in slippers, keeping vigil, losing sleep, living a different timetable and purpose.

Grief is our internal process, thoughts, feelings, the weight in the chest, the churning in the gut, the unspeakable thoughts and feelings. Mourning is crying, journaling, creating artwork, telling our story, speaking the unspeakable. Mourning makes it possible for us to touch, express and release our grief. {trans-formative power of grief}

This is why I urge all Singaporeans to find a way to mourn. I am glad that was the word the Prime Minister chose in his announcement. 

The late Mr Lee stirs us all up in different ways. Most of us are filled with an admixture of admiration, awe and angst. We are grateful for his grit, we may not be so thrilled with some of his iron-clad ways. This is because he is just human, like you and me. He is responding to his times, with his personality, training and convictions. We will never find anyone totally agreeable to us. What moves humanity along is a level-headed and full-hearted embracing of persons for who we are, recognising the difference we all make to each other.

What feelings are within you? It may be purple today and grey tomorrow.

Mourning is thus a deeply personal experience. But when we share a grief and a loss, it can be a collective experience too; one that calls us to go beneath the surface and reach out to one another. One that calls us to pause and consider, for

Loss is not just an ending; it marks the beginning of a new way of being.

This is not the time to scramble or fear. It is the time to remember, revisit and recast. 

This SG50 year, we had a song competition. I thought of our little nation and all that we have built: the infrastructure and functional values. On the Maslow's hierarchy, we have met our security needs. We are at the place where we seek the higher order needs of soul and spirit; the stuff of fulfilment. I am immensely gratified and proud of the many good Qs, initiatives and ideas that have poured forth. The late Mr Lee has helped us built a robust foundation for us to pursue these higher order matters. 

As we walk the next leg, let us take a leaf from other cultures and societies for this journey - observing what works and what backfires or even unravels. 

But it is time for dreaming again. 

Dreams do come true
We set our hearts
And pledged
to be
Happy
to prosper and progress

Chorus:
Miracle island
Shining in the world
An inspiration
That small things can
Make a difference


Look at us now
With our pioneers
Setting pace
We arise
To cherish and aspire


Bridge:
Our journey continues
A richer soul
Where each one is part
Of the greater whole
hearts are free
Every dream grows
as surely as the river flows

{lyrics: jenni ho-huan tune: dorothy yew for The Gift of Song, 2015}

And while you dream awhile, let these pictures stir you: is this what you dream of, or is it something else? Top 10 cities {Lonely Planet}

You are the best parents for your child(ren): of P.S.L.E., Pain, and Purpose

Nothing gets us through like Purpose.

Viktor Frankl survived the Holocaust and went on to produce his groundbreaking pyschotherapeutic method, because he realised that a sense of purpose is what made his suffering bearable.

The suffering I am about to describe is certainly pale in comparison, but it is nonetheless real for nearly forty thousand children* and their parents: the Primary School Leaving Examination (yes, the dreaded PSLE) where twelve year-olds take standardised tests which results in where they get to go on to next in the educational maze.

Being Asian and living in a society where our state leaders are constantly reminding us of about how "no one owes us a living" (yes, that's a line in our National Education), underneath our sparkly exterior and world-class airport, is a nervous rumination: what if.

What if my kid does not do well?

God forbid. So the frenzy:
- to find out how the exams are structured and scored
- to diagnose where the kid is not making it
- to find the absolute solution that will turn things around/ pump things up so that an A is a given

I admitted in earlier posts (see below) that I too got sucked into the frenzy.

Seriously, it is a vortex, and forgive me for being a tad skeptical because I don't think there are parents (except those who should be charged for negligence) who would not agonize over this transition.

Despite our persistent efforts to reassure our little fella, he piped up during one dinner: "This is so important, it's going to determine the rest of my life!". Yes, incredulous. The school has succeeded, or should I say the system.

Over the months of being bombarded by Facebook ads about Tutors and Coaches who guarantee jumps in grade, going through his work at school, emailing teachers (who do not always reply), and dealing with my son's lack of motivation, anger outbursts and dyslexia, I was finding it really exhausting and pointless. The latter added to the sense of weariness, for both of us. The father who is trying to be 100 percent involved (as a busy working man can) helped but also created more work in a way. I had to explain and discuss and decide with someone who doesn't always see things my way. This is the necessary spill over effects of any major undertaking + a marriage-at-work.

Over the many sessions of silencing the cacophony of fear, anxiety, frustration and tiredness, I realised that if I was finding this quite overwhelming as an adult, my child is probably feeling worse. This was when I decided that Purpose needed to rescue us all.


So what is the point of this PSLE thing?

Of course, there is the overarching reality that life involves work. A good friend reminded us that we live for God's glory and live out our seasons with this orientation. These are message we transmit. But we also needed something more concrete and specific for this exam season.

With my son, grades would really not be a good thing to shoot for. He has exam anxiety and his overall performance is simply inconsistent. He wasn't mature enough for it.

We have many close heart-to-heart conversations. Already we had assured him that grades were not that important. But we all know "doing your best" is hard to measure. So we decided that for him, this will be a rite of passage for his maturity. This is going to be a period of a few months where he will grow, specifically, to be more structured and focused.

For a child with ADHD and dyslexia. these are huge challenges. So I pared it down to as specific details as I could for each subject (and trust me, I never knew I could do this!). Progress was slow, but he worked at them. We could not cover alot of ground in one day because we lacked the stamina, so I made the difficult decision to let him step down his second language, which would fill us with some uncertainty. But I knew that growing to be more able to spot his own flaws, take responsibility, create solutions and put in sustained effort is what helps him turn from boy to young man.

It was not an onward, upward journey. We dipped. Towards the actual exam week, he lost steam. But his growth is evident. I surrounded him with positive reinforcements from Scripture to posters to treats. We planned post-exam celebrations and "top things to do".

On the second last day of his exam, my back protested by locking up in excruciating spasms. I could not even take him to lunch and a playdate after his final paper! What a bum. Thankfully, his classmate's mom gamely took the few of them out, and he came home with a bright smile.

But it was a mom in constant pain that greeted him.

The last few days were the marking days for the PSLE and he did not have to report to school. Without the momma-commanding officer in action, he chilled a lot! He also did chores and went with me to the doctor's, to lunch and to the pool. He learnt to feed the cat and clean up after it.

We had many more conversations. As I listened to him and watch how his frame is growing lanky, his hands now larger than mine, I realised he is turning into a young man-to-be. My heart swelled with joy to hear his wisdom, his probing questions, his crazy humour, and his take charge exclamations such as, "Mom, you should definitely take the X-ray!".

Just over the weekend, we sat down and talked about the options for education that lay ahead. We had at first thought we would choose for him and just prevail over him about it, but I can hear the wheels turning in his head and the concerns of his heart, and I think he will make the choice with us supporting it.

Most of all, there is a Person who bestows Purpose and watches over our steps. This little verse which we used to sing in Sunday School has been ringing in my heart:

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.

    He delights in every detail of their lives.

Though they stumble, they will never fall,

    for the Lord holds them by the hand. ~ Psalm 37v23-24, New Living Translation

Enjoy this oldie: The Steps of a good man by Jack Marti

What gives you Purpose for what you are going through now?
What purpose do you offer your children for going through a massive exam?

Related posts:
The confession earlier
The PSLE blues first time round
Power & powerlessness in mothering


*taken off MOE data from 2015

away from city! and other ideas

City life has become the epitome of power, prestige and pleasure. Bright lights, action, colour, hype..everything it seems comes from the city. So we keep flocking to form them, to be a part of one. it's a strange thing really. yes cities are exciting; but when it comes down to it, what human beings all over the world needs are food, friends and purpose. The city is rather a poor offerer of these things. So few jobs in the city actually produce food for example. I sometimes worry for Singapore since we rely almost completely for imports - to eat and just be alive.

I heard on the BBC that scientists with The Living Planet calculated that modern lifestyles will deplete earth's resources in 30 years! we either change or we better get lucky and inherit another similarly endowed planet.

Wow. i was driving my daughter back from school. i feel bad that at 8 years of age her carbon footprint is already so huge; even though we use very little air-con and the car ride is 10 minutes.
perhaps it's time for some radical ideas that will truly make the world a better place.

Everyone goes to a school nearby and walk - this means more exercise, more conversations and less traffic snarls.
Every product gets an innivation quota. Make no more than 5 new handphone models a year - this forces companies to actually make real innovations that count; not fancy footowork. We go for substance than sleek. We also work less crazy hours and have more time to live.
Every economy and industry submit a bi-annual audit of how they are contributing to the world's growth and health. - this makes coutrnies alrge and small think globally in more responsible terms and combats insular and short-term vision.

For a start: these ideas are really mad; but i keep thinking, why not? Who says that healthy = consumer confidence = spending?
Actually i dont feel very confident as a consumer these days: i dont know the quality of what i am buying any more! from whether it is safe to consume to whether it's truly worth my dollar...

IF you like these ideas, pass them on! Add on to them and write me!

to be fully alive!

Sabbath? Nowadays... You have to be joking!

24 hours? That's an entire day! We don't have enough hours already as it is. Besides, what do we DO on a Sabbath? 

I don't really have a 24-hr Sabbath right now.  I hope that makes you feel better already and will read on, knowing I am not here to pontificate or direct your life.

In fact, I am writing this post because someone asked me about the Sabbath.

There's the command. How do you feel? What goes through your mind?

Let's back up a bit and observe how we respond to this command given in the Ten Commandments that back up God's design for life.

It is easy to see that our first reaction to it is really to reject it. We back up our rejection with 'empirical' evidence, the way businesses run, the extent of our busyness, the scope of our commitments and so on.

This approach is plainly faulty. It puts God's Word at our service, where our life habits and priorities are held so dear that they resist being challenged.

In truth, as a child of God and a disciple of Christ, we are called to continually challenge "the way things are" because the world is ruled by the prince of the air and he is antithetical to God and to life!

No business (or busyness) as usual for us!

Well, when I was a teen, I loved the adrenaline this "challenge the status quo" gave me. It was cool being counter-cultural. But as I grow older, I find that more and more I am exposed to, and at odds with the world. There are now a zillion ways to feel the pressure to conform: and the gamut ranges from the public arena of trying to keep pace with the successes of others which infects our work ethic, financial values, to marriage and parenting, to even the private arena of my personal health, habits and preferences.

Just recently, I asked a few ladies this:

In what way do you feel the pressure to conform to something in our culture?

You  are conforming when you have not thought it through, when you plod on even when you don't feel it's a fit for you, when you are grappling to keep up.... Yet, despite the doubts and perhaps even a still small voice that beckons, you remain engaged, and breathlessly so.

Unless - you - Sabbath.

Sabbath is to take a break from our mechanisms, machinations, methods and even motives. It is sheer rest, that restores peace and perspective, purpose and patience.

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:
“In repentance and rest is your salvation,
    in quietness and trust is your strength,
    but you would have none of it. ~ Isaiah 30v15

We would have none of it?
What madness has us in its grip that we reject rest and strength, so essential to living meaningfully with passion and resilience?

This madness is fed by several streams:

1. We mimic others

there is a powerful theory that explains how we routinely mimic what others do. All it took was the first selfie to set us all off. Clothes, travel, work, even religion. Actually, this is a short step from breaking another commandment: not to envy. But mimicking others come so easily and naturally to us. Being like others makes us feel belonged, accepted, approved. Those are innate desires which we have to meet.

But the Sabbath allows us to disconnect with this tendency (even bondage for some) and really find that our desires are met - in God's unconditional acceptance of us. Looking outside of God always requires us to do something (smart, beautiful, connected etc) to find belonging and acceptance. Not so with God. He invites us to rest from trying to meet our deepest needs ourselves.

As we disrupt our usual frenetic pace, as we lose ourselves in worship, Scripture, prayer and activity that rejuvenates us, we are being changed and empowered in small increments to become our own person, less dependent on the need to mimic others.



2. We struggle to trust God

trust in God is something we have to experience and learn. Thankfully, God does not refuse us salvation for falling short of the Sabbath! But without a deepening trust, our faith life can become shallow and even a sham. In a world which teaches that "if it's gonna be, it's all up to me", trusting God can be challenging indeed. Also, it is in the nature of systems to punish those who don't conform and we are afraid of the consequences of not keeping in lock-step with the world.

When we keep the Sabbath, we dare ourselves to take our hands off the steering wheel, to stop agonizing so much over outcomes, to learn to let God bless us. We stay away from work-related habits, stop checking our emails, occupy our hearts and minds with the gifts of being alive and being able to explore and enjoy life.


3. We are creatures of habit

most of what we do can be done without much thought each day, and our habits create a sense of safety for us. Doing the familiar gives us a sense of 'family', of being embedded in something trustworthy because it has worked so far. It is hard then to jam the brakes and do something different. Even working or being busy 24/7 is often a result of habits we form: keeping our phones with us and online, talking and posting (way too) quickly, saying 'yes' too soon...

The Sabbath offers us a different way to pass the time and expend our energy and resources. Solitude and silence can surface for us habits that may not really serve us. As we join with others in worship and serve the needs of a community or others, we challenge our habits of 'looking out for ourselves' or 'looking out for number one'.


Our mimicry, our lack of trust and our habits grow out of the soil of our lives here in a world insistent on being apart from God.

Notice that the Sabbath command ends with a call to holiness.

Holiness in its etymology is being set apart, distinguished, differentiated, distinct, separate. Hence there is a day in the cycle of days when God says that we are to live differently - in order not to be sucked into a way of life that is contrary to God's loving design for us.

Indeed the call to holiness is a call to a different kind of life, which is made possible because of a new birth:

... no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. ~ Jesus' words to Nicodemus in John 3

The amazing thing about this new life is the diverse ways we can express it.


Does it have to be 24 hours?

If God says so, I should think we ought to humbly agree. Alas, that can be challenging. It isn't just our paid jobs, but so much of modern life requires attention, energy and resources. To relax, we have to work to plan our vacations and so forth.

So for a start, we have to simplify. So much of modern living is clutter. While the first thing that comes to mind is material possession, the more insidious clutter is in our brains and our hearts. Do we have to spend hours scanning online for the cheapest airfare? Do we have to spend hours online shopping? Do we have to have work-meetings where we typically don't eat well or work well?

We need to get serious about wanting the life of salvation God offers us. We have to re-examine our habits and priorities and design our lives to thrive such that we discover a way to incorporate the Sabbath as a part of our lifestyle.


I said at the start that I do not observe a strict 24 hour Sabbath right now. Perhaps I am wrong. If I am thinking of doing nothing, then clearly I don't have that, or will ever have it. But if I see Sabbath as a posture, a priority and a re-purposing of my life, then I am on track. Certainly, I want to get to that 24 hour pattern.

But for now, I am practising another facet of restedness. Not in terms of time, but in terms of learning a posture of trust, prioritising time with God, and putting in place habits and things that remind me that this world is not my eternal home.

So I fiercely guard my time and ensure that my calendar doesn't clog with commitments. So I figure out what refreshes me and seek those things out. So I journal and pray to lean into trust rather than fear and fret. It isn't Sabbath-on-the-go though, as each of these things do take hours at time.

Then I plan for longer one day stretches and few day retreats several times a year. The barometer for all of this is not to keep a law because God may be angry if we don't, but to observe a command because it came from the Designer and it calls us towards our destiny as God's beloved children.

Jenni's help for you to cultivate a Sabbath life:
a) Books
b) Quiet Morning




 For those who like a bit of dark humour, here is modern life in twenty slides.

A letter from a 50 yr-old to my Ma and Pa

Began Friday, 1 July 2016
1:53 PM

Dear Mother and Father, I will turn fifty at the end of this year. Considering that the earth may be 6000 years old, fifty is pretty old - just take a few zeroes away!

I so wish you both are around with me; living together in good health, mutual respect and easy love.

Of course this is an idealized state - except for the mutual respect which we clearly had -  and even that required a lot out of us.

Mother and my firstborn. Every grandchild knew your love.

I remember grumbling so much about you Father: that you did not have a job title I could report to my school teachers with pride. While my classmate rattled off 'driver, manager, hawker'; I had no clue what it was you actually did. That in turn triggered off memories of times when Mother would say quietly, "just tell the teacher I will pay her next week" , I wondered if you did anything for us. What was obvious were the Toto receipts, the smoking, and the long stretches of time you weren't at home. 

But of course, I was only just figuring out about life as a kid.

No one, absolutely makes pigs' tongue soup like you did. I can still taste it; clearly some fireworks went off in my brain the few times you ladled it out for us. The pasty combination of soy, onions and melt-in-your-mouth potatoes and the chewy bits of meat (I ate unquestioningly and avoided the unfamiliar looking bits with the gristly surface, but knowing it was tongue did not deter me in the slightest for I had been won over by the aroma and the taste!),

In my teens, my self-righteous indignation ruled me with a ferocity and I persuaded, scolded, debated and gave you the cold shoulder for the many imperfections I saw in you.

It would be a few years of such suffering for you before your daughter grew up more to realise that you have a personal story that may account for the person you are; and to develop a compassion and curiosity to know about it, and so treat you as a person and not just someone who owed me proper fatherhood.

Mutual respect took us a long time. But I am glad we reached that shore.

Probably out of convention, I asked you to all the most important occasions of my life: my baptism, graduation, and my first public sermon. Convention has its place for sure; because your presence normalised us - I now have regular photos with parents - and for sure, we are both glad for it.

We did grow to respect and like each other. If there is anything I feel sad about now; it is that you did not get to walk me down the aisle and blossom into the amazing Grandfather I am sure you would. My children will never get to hear you tell your lame jokes, play the accordion, and watch your favourite Hindi movies and follow every episode of whatever David Attenbrough was up to ( I was shocked one time when I heard the august commentator's voice and instantly recognised it). And of course, that soup.

I wonder if you tell stories about us in heaven.

One thing we felt sure would happen in heaven. In fact one of us dreamt about it even. It was that when Mom arrived, you were thrilled to bits but she ignored you, like she did on earth.

Mother, you are a wondrous mystery to me. You weren't perfect for sure, and you often lacked the wisdom to guide us as the world spun crazily fast in the decades of immense change. You had no words for what to study, who to date or marry, what to do for a living. 

You did better than that. You showed us that learning is something we can all do. You did not get to start school because the war broke out, but you did not shrink from learning: going out to work, basic English conversation,  singing, crochet, reading your Chinese Bible, swimming, using the ATM, traveling, cooking new dishes, dancing… Your life demonstrated the meaning of the word 'possibility'  for us. What a precious gift. We knew we could suggest anything to you and never feel put down.

When we felt like quitting, you wouldn't let us. Opportunities don't come easy. While you never pushed us in any direction; you showed us that some things are worth every sacrifice, and that effort is what counts. Your fierce commitment to the family, your pride, your core values are the lights for a family that had little and could have turned out very differently. You took illness, nasty relatives, work injustices, hunger, lack, all in your stride. Never once did I hear you whine, complain your lot or blame others, except the glaring frustration you had with the government when you applied for public housing. If it had to be done, you saw to it that it was.

You stayed up long nights to twirl old calendar pages into beads and strung them so we could have some beauty in the home.  At night, as we lay together like sardines on floor mats, you sang us the silly song about the boats at Clifford Pier that 'fell down' and ate dog shit. I never got to ask you where that came from. You did everything you knew to ensure the family would be provided for: cooking and selling fried noodles at dawn to folks making their way to work, operating a Tontine, going out to work at the hospital despite your aversion to it (just take the job that comes), joining an MLM briefly….and always, bringing whatever donation cards schools required of us to help us get it all filled out.

I dig not know it then although I certainly felt it - mothers have a way of being pervasive in their influence.

You grew up without a father, and your own Mother was a compulsive gambler. As a daughter, your future would be marriage. In the meantime, your older Brother must be cared for, and supported through school; so from an early age, your life was turned outwards to solve problems and care for others. You survived the war after being recruited to work in the soldier's mess, and your diligence sometimes paid off with a few sweet potatoes above the rice they paid you with. You figured out how to make a quick buck by selling theatre tickets at black market prices.

But when it came to your own life, you did not take charge as you had for others. Your mother took a liking to Father, in part because they were both gamblers and had good chats over their games. So despite your own conviction about the evils of gambling, you acquiesced and married Father - and stayed faithful to him all the long and hard years.

 We are a bundle of contradictions aren't we?


I am not sure why, Mother and Father; but I really want you to be proud of me.  I want you to know that your pain, suffering, sacrifices have meant something.

It feels unfair to me that only as a young adult, when I was beginning to take the effort to understand and truly appreciate the contours of your lives; that my life became so full of my dreams and commitments, that although our conversations and interactions could be so rich; they often stayed mundane and thin. That when the roles were reversing and I was meant to take charge, I was too absorbed with my world. I did not neglect you per se, but there is so much I want to say to you and do for you still.

And then, you left suddenly, painfully, and alone.

Some things in life just cannot be managed: the heart attack, the car accident.

Father, we could go bargain hunting together. I now see the value and fun in it.
Mother, where else did you want to travel to - for once - not in order to visit one of us?

I don't know how you two did it. In your authentic and courageous lives, I witnessed and received Providence, Grace, and Mercy. Through your refusal to give up on life, I have a legacy of resilience and optimism.

Fifty years feels a long time. You were more than half of it; and I am going to make sure you will always be a part of whatever remains….until we meet again. Then, let's read this letter together.

Love,
Jenni Popo