You, beloved, are an answer (in this dark, bad world), but not the usual way you think.

"Bad news sells".
"You need an arc, with a rising tension.."
"The hero must meet a challenge so great, he must risk death..."

It turns out, these are true, in news reporting, in movie-making, in our experiences.

homeless Koala

Still, we dream, yearn and often naively imagine life can be smooth-sailing. Which explains why prosperity gospel succeeds, why disciples hike off, why so much continues to break around us - from friendships to partnerships, marriage to parenting. We refuse to be heroic. We reject our villainy.

Yes - we are both heroes and villains. Light and Dark. Life and Death.

And the typical advice given is to grow the light, starve the dark (yes that tale about the old man with two dogs, one good, the other bad)... focus on the good, do more good....


Jesus tells us plainly:

No one is good—except God alone. {Mark 10v18}

You know, Jesus gets pretty absolute about things. We, prefer to hedge and fuzz.

Goodness is a God quality. We aspire, pretend, and at times achieve some good. Sometimes, even astounding good. But, our good acts aren't the same as us being good in essence. Because, honestly, our motives are rarely a hundred percent without self-interest.

God, on the other hand, is Goodness - because he really, does not need us or anything from us - but he considers our needs and cares for us.

PhyoMoe Agora Images

So I am going to suggest Another Way Altogether that will take the strife, comparison and hard edge off doing good. A way that enables us to honestly acknowledge our villainy and at the same time, arouse our heroism.

It is called Blessedness.

Blessedness is not an intrinsic or earned quality. It is bestowed, given, offered - and there is great power when we realise our blessedness.

Blessedness is not about avoiding pain, skirting hardship, being protected from loss, confusion, regrets or even recurring struggles.

It has very little in fact, to with the externals of your life: from relationships to possessions, realities to potentialities. Rather, is is a depth-experience of being wanted, being a great idea, fearfully and wonderfully crafted. It's the truth of your life as being valid, precious, unique...of you being sensed, felt, loved...

It is a truth that gets infused into the sinews and molecules of your being when ordinary life is touched by the Transcendent, when the temporal shimmers with the eternal, when the wind from angelic wings whiff close..., what Paul described as "being seated in the heavenly realms {Ephesians 1v3} --- a Position, a Posture, and a Potential that you cannot bargain for, access by force or sneak by scheming.

Instead, you are led to such a place, with royalty, with God, because you dared to follow...and you find yourself coming...Home. The one Home you have been searching for all you life!

 In this Home-space, feel safe, it's bounteous, and full of Life -- even though not a bit of your circumstances may have changed...  yet.. --

From here, you regard everything with a strange sense...like invincibility: 'how can anything ever really hurt you, again?'.  At the same time, you have a ready vulnerability, where you are no longer afraid and feel the need to hide your darker shades of your story.

Both the Light and the Dark become stark and real, and you know a Greater Truth embraces and encompasses both.

Your power of choice is pressed upon your soul and you find yourself choosing again, and again, for the Light.


At Home, in God's courts, which are held by the pillars of righteousness and faithfulness, there's no falsification, pretense or role-play. Rather, there's an inverted sense of abandonment. Whereas life in general reinforces our loneliness and weaknesses, often causing us feelings of rejection and abandonment, here, we can release our efforts and masks and rest in a security and safety that makes -no - demands of us, yet gently compels us to be the best versions of ourselves.

Home is where we belong, where we are beloved and come to see our Blessedness. Home is being with God in complete honesty and surrender.

And so, we can do the most good because we have come Home to Goodness.


The way home is a mixture of large, determined, upward strides, as well as small, consistent steps. These involve three trails.

(1) Detachment - to free us

This is not to become some unfeeling glob please! Rather, it's about refusing to be fooled into thinking that our identity and worth depend on people, possessions and pains. We can define ourselves in so many ways. Some choose family, others choose achievements, yet other still, frame themselves in their pains.

Things that are a part of our lives shape us, and may even confine us. But they don't have to define us.

Yes, every day, something, someone, your past or your future can threaten to cloud over the truth of your Blessed Belovedness.

But, if you step away from it all for a bit, and sit with the deeper truth that you are Blessed and Beloved, that in the midst of the hard and nasty, God is with you and offers you Life and Light.... in time, the veil is torn and you find that you are Home.

Try it and see.

Cry when you need.
Rant when you need.
Then, silence your rancour and let Scripture's cleansing and renewing power do its work.


(2) Contentment- to anchor us

Life cannot be savored in retirement. It has to savored now. (In fact, if you cannot taste life's goodness now, you may not later, and..what about.. heaven!).

Money loses its charm after a time, and can turn around to be a mean and demanding master.

Jesus used very graphic language:

the pagans run after these things... {Matt 6v33}

Running is a strenuous activity. It demands a lot, engages a lot, and leaves us winded. Running can also be rather addictive and during a second wind, you can feel rather powerful. But you cannot run forever.

When do you stop running? When you wisely consider and realise that there isn't even a race. Or when you are finally exhausted? Which state would you rather be in?

The practical way to develop contentment is of course, to practise gratitude*, which is well supported by health and brain science to have enormous benefits to our overall well-being.

When we are not busy asking -
"where is the good deal?"
"how come he has more?"
"when can I have ...?"

We can slow our pace to anchor.

A ship cannot anchor while sailing at twenty-give knots. It has to slow. Modern consumerism's evil is that we are being 'eaten' alive while we think we are 'happily consuming'. We have eschew the insatiable needs consumerism generates in us, slow down, and anchor.

We have to face the dark of our fears that we won't be noticed, known or celebrated. We need to soak up the Light that we are noticed, known and celebrated -- and by One who doesn't change His view of us because He is in a funk!

It is only when we anchor that we can be ready to be an answer to the many cries and questions that are churning all around us.

- Stock-take your consumer habits (turn off notifications perhaps)
- Design and live within a budget (it's a thing that works and is great for training kids)
- Make giving a regular habit (for eg. if you plan that each time you buy an item, you will buy a second to give away)


(3) Attentiveness - to liven us

Most of us live in the past (stewing over what went wrong or what could be better) or in the future (imagining what could be). Often, in the present, we are fretting about our responses and how others view us.

Where are we actually? Rather absent.

Attentiveness opens our eyes to notice and marvel at Life and Light. It makes complaining harder. Striving feels like such a waste of the moment. The wonder and giftedness of so much begins to dawn on us. Details present themselves to us and creates bold relief for us to recognise that we are hidden glory.

We take ourselves both lightly and seriously at the same time, knowing when to do which.


So friends,

Continue to bend towards the Light
Do all the good you can

But - follow the Spirit's call to walk into your Belovedness, where you touch the shimmering Goodness of God, and let it find its expression in and through you.

We can change the world we are a part of - through this deep, total revolution with us.

When we are attentive, we may be better listeners (and that will heal so many broken hearts and even help in the restoration of those who are suffering mentally) 

When we are anchored, we may be better givers (and how much inequality and injustice needs addressing) 

When we are freed, we may be better lovers (and how that will save so many relationships)

The Dark is real. It lodges in hearts. It connects on and off-line. It embeds in systems. The news, movies and our experiences magnify it. It can intimidate us. It can overwhelm us. It can unsettle us. But you know, systems are after all, practical frameworks and protocols established according to values we uphold.

Every heart
Every mind
Every life

that begins to sense, believe and live in the Truth of being Beloved and Blessed -- also connects and embeds and can be magnified, to the praise of His Glory.

So, our world needs -

goodness
serious answers
you.

*How To Be Grateful

How To Grow Up Spiritually

How To Press Past Setbacks


[I chose animal photography for this post, because animals are impacted by whether we are good or selfish... And birds of course, were used by Jesus to remind us to trust in our Belovedness and Blessedness].

God's Amazing Plan of Motherhood (and Sp Parenting)

Fearlessness is faith unleashed.

Mothering ignites faith.
You have to believe.

That breastmilk is best and so time, pump, feed, store (Olympic athelete Montana pumps, stores and ships her milk across the globe!).

That your child is unique and worth protecting, nourishing, nurturing.

That sacrifices are a holy exchange of life when you lose sleep and develop a whole new lifestyle so that a new life can be birthed and raised.

That while the system is good, it isn’t perfect and you have to many times, stand up for your child.

That your words, hugs, look of love, meals, stories, prayers make a difference.

And faith unleashed, makes you a fearless warrior, fighting for what truly matters: life.



Any good warrior tells you there are

boring routines

necessary and often painful disciplines to gain muscle and develop strength

sacrifices of comfort and ease

the need to develop a mindset and a tough heart

because there is a battle worth fighting for.

And the warrior is made, not born. He began as a recruit, a legionary, a simple soldier reporting for duty.



There are many ways to see and do life.

The most common is to go with the flow.

You move from one stage of life to the next, because you are ‘old enough’, ‘it’s time’, ‘expectations and body clocks kick in… This does not mean you don’t plan. In fact, you plan quite well, from thinking through options, weighing pros and cons, consulting others, doing the Math and so on… The question is whether these ways are life-giving ways, wise ways, enduring ways.

Another way to go with the flow is takes a ‘come what may’ approach and hate to plan, it’s a moment-by-moment flow. This is highly popular with the younger set, who eventually give to the need to forecast and therefore to endure the dread of discipline grudgingly.

Following the flow isn’t morally wrong, but it is easily driven by FOMO (fear of missing out) and by sheer fear (of change and taking ownership). It is easy to see how one can drift or become indistinguishable from the crowd.

This is the soldiering part of life.

At some point, life presents you with the opportunity to become a warrior.

You choose battles

You train

You fight

You win and you lose



Along the way, faith is built and fear is banished.

This is God's design, where he invites us to give up what we hold so tightly on to, and trust him for something better. Perhaps our success-to-date, our comfortable lifestyles, our well-planned ideals... which wrap within them a whole lot of fears and anxieties, aspirations and disappointments. We grasp on afraid to let go...

But if we only will!

The journey of leaning into a new journey, unfamiliar experiences, stuff we don't think we can do... that how we get to feel in our bones and our sinews the deep truth that even if our battles are similar or related, each of us is a unique individual with a destiny.

A journey that requires maturation - a dedicated process that works.


The guys have their journey from motley solider to unique warrior.

For women, mothering is the unique journey.

As I have yielded my body to God’s wondrous design to host life. As I have let my heart soften to the coos and cries of my child. As I have given up sleep, entertainment, a whole familiar and comfortable way of life. As I have made choice after choice to be the adult, grow myself and be at my best for my child(ren)....  I have done the equivalent of digging trenches, countless marches, sweat-soaked training, even arming myself. (and hence we have asked a Minister once to pay SAHMs coz it's like national service).

The trench of going over the same thing, feeding, diaper changing, repeating that story for a hundredth time… these repetitive acts dig a trench of safety for us to huddle in. 

The march back and forth to soothe and quieten, fetch another drink, patiently guide unsteady hands to pick up another toy. 

The days when there is hardly time to get a proper shower (and thankfully bub never ever minds it) much less have a slow go at the throne. 

Picking up my weapons of prayer and intercession….polished to a shine from use.

It’s so common to hear moms say they are surprised by how they can sacrifice, and how they now realise the depth of what their moms went through. But that’s merely scratching the surface.

Motherhood is deep stuff.

God carves capacities in us that cannot come another way.

The capacity of faith lies at the heart of it.

Mothering (and Sp Parenting) is hard. It can be unpredictable. It’s been said there are no guarantees (but that’s most of life anyway). You recognise the limits of control... yet -

If we accept that this is God’s wisdom and lean into it, we can become warriors who are fearless.



We know what it’s like to sleep two hours and still function.

We know our bodies mend and heal.

We know we can think deep and talk simple.

We know we can invent solutions and face crises (from meal planning to stretching the dollar to averting accidents).

We know we can adjudicate, negotiate, persuade, coach.

We know we can serve joyfully.

We know we can appreciate the present moment and find delight in simple things.

We know we can speak up and stand up for what we believe in.


Tell me, is this not maturity, a growing fullness in our humanity, a carpe diem seizing of our lives to make it count, and a confident way to leave a legacy?

I remember a young mom who was abjectly frustrated for her style in life is to plan to the hilt and enjoy the control she had. Mothering shattered this false illusion for her. Hopefully, more than merely soldiering on and hoping things ease up, she dug in and transformed into a warrior!

Soldiers become warriors when they quit pining for life outside the camp, but dig into life in the camp and take the battle seriously.


The ‘wisdom’ of the world is to lie to you that it is all about loss. Sniff out this false narrative quickly. That’s the world’s favourite presentation: you are going to lose out.

And sure, perhaps you may never get that job (or your figure) back.

But is that truly a loss? Really, is your life the work you do and the shape of your body?


The world isn’t operating on God’s agenda, but is reeling from a determined rebellion against God. How can it offer you and I what is truly life-giving and eternal?



God’s ways are going to be inconvenient and counter-cultural in such a world.

Caring for someone else, being generous, ‘wasting’ time going over the same “why?”, not having full control over life (you cannot even control bodily functions of your baby ok) - is how God designed life so that he can delight us with His care, provision, wisdom and strength.

Mothering and all forms of parenting  is God’s marvelous design to build life into us as we follow our faith.

When I decided to prioritise my family, I wasn’t able to foresee much of anything. But I knew enough to know that it’s an illusion anyway to think we can shape outcomes so easily. But the true north of this priority unfolded in marvelous ways.

Today I continue in my pastoral calling (although it isn’t a very conventional ‘format’), I have embarked on a writing journey and authored six books. I have had to face up to my many skeletons and heal! Along the way, I have found so many wonderful women soul sisters. Now that my children are more grown, and I am warrior-like, I feel so excited about what faith will unleash next!

This is the other way to live: go with the faith.

What do you really believe in?

You are the best parent(s) for your child(ren): #5 Legacy

Mastery.

Without mastery, we are a short step away from madness.

Exaggerated
Excessive
Impulsive
Divisive
Extreme

We turn any way today and we find these are true. From Instagram to news, from the private to the public sphere. Within borders and beyond.

Debt (from weddings to lifestyle)

Family breakage (from our way to my way)

Brexit (complicated, but the unmeasured words are a huge contributing factor)

Bombings (Sri Lanka, New Zealand…)

Assault (bloody chop-up at hawker centre)

Violation (voyeuristic videoing at a tertiary institution)

We love being masters. We long to be. Masters of wealth, the dream relationship, vacation…of the universe (albeit of the screen variety). But we are not meant to be masters. Masters own their success too keenly and often break apart when that goes away... Although we got the idea when we crown those at the pinnacle of their game, masters. But let that teach us it is all about mastery, a posture and a commitment, not a position.

We are meant to develop mastery.

“Let us make man in our image….and let them rule…” ~ Genesis 1v26

To rule, we have to know the rules.

So God gave us minds to inquire, observe, study, make connections.


To rule, we have to reign.

So God gave us abilities, gifts, opportunities to grow in knowledge, discipline, strength, resolve and resilience.


To rule, we have to relate.

So God situated us in an interdependent ecosystem.



This calls for us to develop mastery -

where we own our agency and submit that to a higher vision of a flourishing world.

We need to master our weaknesses -
so that they we don’t give in to sloth, compromise, convenience (plastic is a case in point), blaming.

We need to master our strengths -
so that we don’t detach from others and the larger vision of life, and start using people and commodifying everything.

We need to master our emotions, thoughts, impulses and choices -
by submitting them to a higher Authority so that they are revealed for what they are, and in trading in truth, we walk free.

And what better to illustrate than this entertaining and o-so-true experiment with marshmallows!

“I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free”

~ Psalm 119v32

This verse has a dialectic to it - where one leads and reinforces the other. Both are bound together: obedience and freedom.

Freedom is not being a master - getting your way. Today, that’s the message sold to us.

Self-care!
Express yourself
Change the laws that limit you
Change anything about yourself

There is no respect for the ecosystem. People can hurt, forests can burn, oceans can be poisoned.

There is no rest as we cast off our boundaries and limits, constantly coveting what others have.

There is no clear result of what we are pursuing as we break the rules and head towards anarchy.



It’s important we return to the mandate given to us in creation, which requires us to develop mastery.

Tragically,

There are grown married men who remain selfish and neglectful of those he’s meant to take care of.

There are mothers who abandon their children for ‘love’ and ‘a better life’. 

There are leaders aplenty who line their pockets and are blind to the suffering of the people who elected them.

And mind you, mastery doesn’t come with big strokes of genius. It is developed through the small stuff.

And here’s where Parenting comes in, and our worst fears too.

Where are the parents who are willing to develop and model and teach mastery because they can

budget, simplify and live by their values - which if you chose to be a parent - means you value life itself (not it’s accessories such as grades, fancy food and costly vacations)

do the hard thing of losing sleep, endless rounds of diaper changing, answering the hundredth “why”, sound like a broken record with “you cannot have that now…”

slow down to help the child grow his bodily, emotional and mental muscles when you know a mess is waiting, a meltdown is coming, a demand and a pout are moments away, all of which we would rather not deal with (have the maid feed and clean, give in, shut them down with your anger).

Heck, I would love to see parents stop using their phones when they are with their little ones! That would be mastery!

Parents, we need to stop worrying about the kids making it the future. They are designed to make it - if they have seen you model mastery and find they can too.


I have a plan (vague I admit) for every stage of my child’s growth. It starts with:

What is a reasonable thing that my child should be able to do at this time?

I believe the first thing was pausing to give thanks before drinking (after the bfeeding routine settled). Then came holding his bottle. Then came listening to instructions, and obeying them promptly (this is still ongoing ya).

Not so much to score your kid, but I found it fascinating as it helps me take note of his growth, give thanks for it and envision what is coming and work with it.

What is more life-giving than to witness growth?

The paradox is parenting is the most tiresome and yet most rewarding thing there is.

The boss may toss your proposal into the bin. Your best output may never be measured or commended even. But children - it’s pretty instant feedback! You get short shifts to stay on your toes, dig into your creative reserves, and draw on every ounce of energy, motivation, prayer and help there is.

Children plug us back in the truths:

Ecosystem

Growth through discipline

Rules exist

--- which lead us down strange paths of freedom.

And remind us that there is a vision called Life, which is Legacy.



Countdown to the 5 things a parent MUST do:

#4 Let Them Grow You

#3 Build Competence

#2 Give Them Safety and Security

#1 Build Emotional Bonds


If you have time, save this link where other aspects of Mastery are talked about: from faith-life to sex.
If your emotions need a bit of help, then save this link: Mastering Emotions ++

You Are the Best Parent(s) for your child(ren): #4 Let them grow you

Recently I came across an article about Toxic Parenting.

'Toxic' seems to be the word of choice these days: toxic BGR, toxic workplace etc.... It's a harsh word, and I want to avoid it -

"containing or being poisonous... capable of causing death or serious debilitation"
 "extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful"

But alas, I have seen that humans are capable of being toxic. We may not murder a child but we can certainly kill their aspirations. We may not set out to be malicious, but being careless with our words and often too tired to really listen, we can do serious hurt to their souls. We may even set up life to veer them towards success or protect them from heartache only to find that we have hurt rather than helped them.


The human soul is fragile, vulnerable and invincible all at once.

We just need to know when it is which - and respond appropriately.

Much has been said about allowing them to develop according to their pace, and meting out expectations and consequences that fit their age and behaviour. But there is a piece that is often overlooked.

In order to grow under our shade, we need to be a growing tree ourselves.

pics from TreeNation

One form of toxicity in parenting that happens commonly, especially in Asian families is the 'father knows best', 'mother has it all under control' mantra. This form of parenting can occur quite subconsciously in a few ways:

- we are too busy to really listen and discuss things over with our children
- we are too impatient with the issues which feel unimportant to us, so we brush them off
- we are nervous that we don't have an answer, so we offer one too soon

A vivid way to see this happening is what I call the distraction tactic that so many use. When a young child fusses, we turn to a distraction - offer them a toy, point to an invisible airplane, promise them some goody later...There is a place for this with a young toddler who may not be able to manage their impulses. But some parents continue to use this even as the child grows! We change the subject, take them shopping, plan a vacation.... all the while, the pain point is not addressed.

Adults always think we are rather done with growing up, and fixate on not growing old. 

In truth, each of us is such a complex being that there are always areas and facets of us that need to mature. We may hold a post-graduate degree but be pretty infantile about some matters. We may run a successful business but struggle with anger outbursts. We may even be a religious leader but go weak in the knees when we have to manage a conflict.

This is where the children come in so wonderfully.

They grow us in generosity when we save the best piece of chicken for them.
They grow us in simplicity as we embrace the humdrum of simple days in their earliest years.
They grow us in patience when we have to repeat the same instruction which seems to slide off their teen teflon brains
They grow us in character when we have to help them navigate choices that are right for them.
They grow us in clarity when we watch as our cherished dreams come crashing as their unique personalities blossom.
They grow us in grit when we have to be the adult and model the behaviour we want to see in them.

They also grow us in courage when we may have to stand up for them and with them.
They also grow us in faith when we recognise that our parenting season has a limit, and we have to wait to see the full flower in years to come.
The list goes on...

How has your child(ren) grown you?

One thing I like to do on their birthdays is to thank them for how they are helping me to grow. The very first time I did it, their eyes were like saucers, surprised as they were that they have agency and can impact another life!

There is in fact a perfect listing of life virtues, traits of Christ that goes like this:

BibleStudyTools

- and you tell me that your children don't present you the opportunity to grow in these!

In fact, which one of these is wanting to develop in you right now?


In order to let your child(ren) grow you, 2 things are needed:

1. accept your child

Not a single one of us is totally satisfied with our child(ren). I regret to inform you that this is a no-return policy! We love to play games guessing who was responsible for what gene component, which seems somewhat harmless when they are two and we want to know where the curly hair came from. But soon enough, we are talking about personality traits, habits and even automatic responses that trouble and upset us.

To just get a glimpse of my journey with these surprises, you can check these out:

When You Don't Feel Very Confident
When Your Kid Marches To A Different Drum And You Feel Beat

Thankfully, we are more than a bundle of nerves predetermined by our genes. There is the power of prayer and nurture to both call forth and even reverse genetic predispositions! In this, our children present us ongoing opportunities to grow as we search our hearts for what to pray and how to nurture.

The God of the generations marvelously sets us up to grow into and with each other. I winced when I see parents wishing their kids were different and inadvertently convey that!

If you find your child difficult, it means you expect something easier. Question that expectation. Then dig into your soul and pray for your heart to shift. The tussle must give way to a dance, for dancing is what brings momentum, joy and movement.


2. acknowledge your fears

FOMO much? Yes! I am afraid we live in an age of anxiety now. If you use distraction (shopping, socialising, travel) to avoid confronting your own fears, you really won't have much to cushion or process the fears of your children. I regret to inform you this factoid: coitus means you are an adult. Our world has made pleasure such an idol and narrowed its vision to a self-seeking version, that all forms of responsibility seem devoid of pleasure, which is a lie.

There is a satisfaction and quiet joy that comes from doing what is right, staying the course, being the adult.

But those fears, they will sneak up on you. Like the good adult you are, turn and say, "I call your bluff".

To be fair, we can have rational, legitimate fears, like Math (haha)! These too we must face and deal with. I am never going to be a Math whiz, but my children have certainly seen me nearly die trying!

What Kind of Tree Are You?  ~FreePik

I grew up in an era when we thought that the best thing we could do for our parents was study hard and get a great job. When I sensed God call me to become a pastor (what my mom considered a poor church mouse), her heart was quite broken, as was mine. The future of security and financial enjoyment I felt was the repayment for her sacrifice and love for me vanished.

But God shifted both our hearts in this matter.

Her mother love overcame her disappointment. My filial love made me determined to set up a savings account for her. In a sovereign tick-tock moment, my mother openly and cheerily said she was ready to go to church and was baptised within a few months. Our bond of human blood was thickened and strengthened by the Saviour's. We were now able to talk about many more matters, and pray together. We were looking in the same direction towards our eternal hope.

My mother did not have a chance to go to school. She grew up with great deprivation, even toxicity by our standards. But in the amazing Providence of God, she had a quality that shone: she allowed us to grow her. Instead of diminishing her authority or influence, we knew she stood her ground where certain values were concerned (I had cane marks to prove it), while at the same time, being willing to interact with our crazy growth journeys by accommodating and adjusting her schedule, priorities and resources around us. She was reliable but not rigid. She was committed but not controlling. She was encouraging but not enmeshed.

She was our oak of righteousness, and we had such a sense of safety and contentment under her large shade.

She showed us that life comes with hard things and we are not to run.
She showed us that a growth mindset primes us to overcome and succeed.
She showed us that one can always keep growing up, even as one grows older.


So yes, 5 things you must do as a parent. It's not the best childcare centre, not the cord blood, not the vacation...it is:

#1 build emotional bonds
#2 provide safety and security
#3 build competence
#4 let them grow you

and watch for the last one: I won't reveal what it is yet...

You are the best parent(s) for your child(ren): Give them a sense of safety and security

Safety and Security?

This is Singapore! Yes, it is, and we are very grateful for the amazing degree of safety we experience here. Our children can walk to the store, take public transportation, use the school bus, visit the toilets -- once they are able, without a lurking fear of imminent danger to their lives and safety.

But there is more to safety and security.

Maslow's hierarchy places it as the very first item we need to live. Of course he was thinking of actual straw-wood-brick homes and most of us would not be struggling with this.

But there is more to safety and security.

To help us understand this need, that we all have through life, consider the following questions through the seasons:

Will I have friends?
Can I do this?
What grade will I get?
How do I know if I have done my best?
Does my colleague dislike me?
When will my boss appreciate my work?

These are real questions and concerns we have, and yet, most of us do not know who to share these concerns with or get help for them.

I imagine then that if we stretch this same concerns back to the earliest days of life, even a baby may experience such existential angst, just that all it can do is cry or fuss or fail to settle or become very clingy (wait, I know many adults who still do these!).

What can we do?

enter life, but are they ready? (Erin@Pinterest)

The phrase 'strawberry generation' was coined to refer to the kids who grew up in the 80s, but the term has stuck. Why do we have a strawberries growing in our yard? They bruise easily -- because underlying this sensitivity is a fear, an insecurity, a lack of safety. It's easy to be mad at them because they grew up in a time when we were prosperous. It feels like they turned soft and are entitled (we still say that now of the millenials). But perhaps as we consider the tips below, we will see how we indeed can raise such a generation when we are not careful.


For infants - 
have a stable routine, have a safe, clean, peaceful home environment where her needs are attended to as soon as possible. You cannot spoil an infant. Shuttling an infant between homes, keeping them up and tiring them out is a bad idea unless you enjoy a cranky child.
Infants come with genetic dispositions and some are more sensorial, sensitive and easily startled even. A good clue to this is to look at yourself and some close relatives. There is no point in complaining, just embrace that you chose to pass some genes down!

The good news is a secure child, with strong bonds (see previous post) becomes more teachable and resilient which makes growth and change more welcome. Thanks to neuroplasticity and the power of prayer, genetic dispositions are only half the story.


For children - 
stay within the safe zone for what fills their young minds and hearts. This means take your fights outside the home (yes, nearly impossible, but worth the attempt. Have date nights to keep track of your souls). This means be proactive about reading and watching good material with them.

A foundational quest of all children is to know if the world is safe, and if there are adults who will be there for them. Be with them and teach them how to navigate life in real-time. I am sorry that unlike work, children cannot process things with you at the end of the day. They just cannot live by an agenda like that. They have to learn what think, have words for their feelings, understand that they can overcome their own natural compulsions (to snatch that toy). Just saying "no", "it's wrong", or worse, labeling them "why you so selfish" is not helping them feel safe enough to grow.

Another area is to discipline your conversation. If you go complaining about everyone, bad-mouthing every authority, dissing others, or discussing apocalyptic news where your own fears are leaking, the child will find the world a scary place and will be inhibited from exploring its treasures. Young children can handle some of the stuff in the world and if they are at school, they will get to hear of it. But I can still remember how once when we were talking about ISIS, that my son grew suddenly very quiet. Unlike my daughter who is more logical, he is a creative and tends to be very graphical. I realised I needed to consider what purpose lay behind the discussion of world news and beware if they were ready to handle it.

Never give a child a smartphone with internet access. Install parental controls. You see, before the internet era, children had fears about imaginary ghosts, the fierce uncle or the weird person in the neighbourhood. All of these can be managed with a clear reminder from an adult or with the presence of an adult. With the internet, a child is standing on a highway with traffic coming from all directions! All they need to do is google. If you are not there, and you have told them to go to the internet for answers, they will, and a little information is a dangerous thing. They can learn nearly any wicked thing there.

I remember that when my children were less then eight, I banned the word 'stress' from my household. It's true we feel stressed, but it's so easy to become a shorthand they can use to escape from thinking harder about what they are feeling, and it tempts them to magnify their difficulties so that they are less likely to overcome them. Adults alas routinely use it as a cop-out.


For Teens -
You won't want to hear this, but teens consider us a kind of threat. Please don't get upset. If you pray for a jolt in memory, you will realise you felt the same. Teens need to explore their identity, and it requires them to challenge us. If our bond with them is good, it sits beneath all the storms like a safety net, so it's ok.

Teens feel unsafe and insecure when they cannot get answers. They also feel that way when they are socially inept. The antidote to this is extremely hard for parents at this point: we must not just love them, we must like them. Hard it is - we miss our cherubic younguns, they are hard to talk to, manage, relate with... yet - we have to look past their hormonal surges, changing bodies, voices and sucky attitudes to the person we always loved and always will.

My best ideas for this: cook their favourite food, keep up the hugs, have that regular awkward meal with them, welcome their friends home, find an activity you can do together and give them space to chill.

Teens are literally doing battle each day with their self-image, performance, friendships, infatuation, expectations laid on them, God... it is a tiring season of life. They will choose distraction any time. Yet they have to confront these issues in a way that is kind to themselves. Help them make their own choices and experience the consequences with them. This is to prepare them for life. Also, as a parent, sometimes the best thing you can do is to surround them with other young adults and adults.

judy foo

"He will be the sure foundation for your times,

    a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge;

    the fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure" ~ Isaiah 33v6

"Do not tremble, do not be afraid.

    Did I not proclaim this and foretell it long ago?

You are my witnesses. Is there any God besides me?

    No, there is no other Rock; I know not one." ~ Isaiah 44v8

The bedrock of all stability and safety is God Himself. 

I don't have all the answers.
I get lazy.
I am inconsistent.
I struggle with my own insecurities, doubts and fears.


So I model for the children that there can be safety and security - because God is real and living, active and working in my life.

So I gather them for prayer, family devotions, Advent and Lent - because a deep well is needed for such parches times.

So I talk to them and pray with them as they leave the home, when we snuggle in bed, when the doors finally open after they were slammed shut.

So I pray for them and record the God immortal, always wise, coming to save us and help us feel safe again.

And this song comes to me:


Immortal Invisible - hymn background & contemporary version

Immortal Invisible trad hymn version


God loves you and your parenting journey.
God loves your children.
And He is Strong, and Safe to go to.


Further reads:
PSLE!
Those Tough Teen Years

You are the best parent(s) for your child(ren): Take Care To Do These, You Must.

Every parent-child relationship is unique.

Yet all relationships thrive with the same basic ingredients.

Last year at the launch of my first children's book The Seed From Heaven, some twenty eager children, confirmed this for me as they raced to answer my question:

What makes a seed grow?

Yes they all knew - sunshine, water, fertilisers. Care. A Source that gives.

Last night I asked everyone around the dinner table to talk about their average day. Predictably, we all talked about the tasks and the events. As if we are nothing but functionaries. Yea, do you feel it too, that our conversations revolve around tasks, functions, timings? Then when you hit a pause, you feel this vast emptiness or a breathlessness? And before you can examine it, the next thing is screaming for attention?

So we move on from task to task, often not quite clear about the Why, and at times, weariness and even resentment builds up. And our best coping mechanism is to turn to our screens for distraction.


An educator shared with me how teenagers in Singapore when asked about what mattered to them, how they felt about certain things, who they deeply connect with, struggled to give coherent, convincing responses. Most of them quizzically asked if there was a 'right' answer!

Folks, we are

Feeling
Thinking
Acting

beings. But mostly, we Act (pun intended), and we do so without enough sensitivity to our environment: how the person is feeling, how many things we are managing at one time, what are the real costs involved (besides monetary), who may be affected in the longer-term, what is being heard and imbibed?

In Singapore (and it's spreading), when we tend to make simple equations eg. hard work = good grades, we can lose sight of so much and really mess up!

With hindsight, now that my children are 18 and 13, I believe that if we are to raise proper persons, fullsome beings, there are 5 things we must do. 5 areas we must become adept at. They aren't easy. We can protest that no one did these for us. We say 'there's no guarantee anyway'. But friends, parenting isn't easy. It's the one job you can't put a price tag on. You will tear your hair out at times, cry, be sleep deprived. worry silly... If it requires so much of us anyway, let's use the energy and make the sacrifices count!

We each have only so much energy in a day. I challenge my fellow parents to use it wisely and prudently. With your energy, would you spend it posting on Fb, creating Insta, shopping for deals, or developing your parenting wisdom and muscle? Learn to master these 5, you won't regret it.


#1 Build Emotional Bonds
I still remember asking a childcare teacher why the toddler was crying. She replied, "I don't know, she likes to cry". So I shot back, "Do you like to cry? There is always a reason."

What does an infant, a toddler, a primary school kid, a teen, an adult have in common? Emotions. The full range of it. It's just that we have to be taught the words for them, what they mean and how to master them so that they serve us.

The only way to do this is to acknowledge the emotions, connect with it and help them make sense of it. And even the infant can get this - and this is how you bond.

Emotions are ferocious things. Even adults get into tailspins from them. Affairs? Misdemeanour? Road Rage? Yup, those emotions kicked started them all.

An infant who is soothed, rocked, kissed, spoken to gently will not grow up afraid of her emotions. With each growth stage, we can teach vocabulary, coping strategies, communication skills.

You are feeling sad (to a two year old)
Tell me why are you sad (to a five year old)
What do you feel like doing when you feel this sad? (to a teen)
What is sadness really, what does it point to? (to a young adult)

The seat is saved for you, mom//dad!

When our emotions are not acknowledged, we don't connect. Cue the wife who says ruefully, "he never listens, just want to jump to a solution". Or the boss? Yes, we get it. We long for connection, to be understood, not to be fixed.

This is so foundational and so critical as connection creates a safety net.

Emotional connection is developed in myriad ways. There is a reason why the human baby is so helpless compared with all other animals. Your hug, hand-holding, pat on the back, look in the eye, gentle words, everyday things you do for them...tells the child he is not all alone in this vast and scary universe.  It tells him there is a home base he can return to after he has explored, attempted or failed.This is why it is so important not to let the maid (if you have one) do the work of caring for your child. It is easy to see feeding, diaper changing, rocking to sleep, bathing as mere chores. They are not. They are means of communicating love, affection, care, security. They say, "Your needs are valid. You are important enough for me to stop and meet your need. I want you to be clean, safe, satisfied.". They are opportunities to connect.

image from SingaporeMotherhood

Without these, parents can turn into administrators, finance officers and disciplinarians! How many of us feel a happy connection with these?

Parents, you are the real home your child needs.   


I remember that Dove once did an advertisement where they asked moms and maids questions about their young children. There was a huge outcry when the videos revealed that it was the maids who could answer

what is your child's favourite food
who is your child's best friend
what TV program does your child like to watch

I can understand the many reasons mothers go out to work and so forth. But what a sad commentary, and I fear that there may be a greater outcry later when the kids pull away from the parents or when the relationships remain largely functional and shallow.

Without oversimplification, we can see several social trends that may well be related: working women, increased anxiety in children, families characterised by stress, parents who are suing their children for neglect.

We do reap what we do
What goes round, comes round.

Fear is a bad motivator, so I prefer to tell you this: truth, fun, silliness, and authenticity characterise my relationship with my children. We are drawn to each other. There is enough safety for us to talk about our fears and flaws. As much as I pray for them, they know they can and must pray for me. We look forward to family meals and times away together. They still fight to share the bed with me. I have grown in stature and strength, wisdom and wit. I am thriving professionally.

I did not grow up with much of this. We were poor and heart-to-heart conversations were hard when your parent speaks mostly a dialect while you are more conversant in English. But I have a rich bond with my mom, and now a richer one with my children. My mom modeled amazing parenting with her limits, and I have sought to be more for I have been blessed with more.

You can start by making a simple checklist:

Have I -

_ met a physical need my child has personally with a smile
_ said something affirming and kind today
_ sat with my child quietly for a few moments
_ showered physical affection
_ observed my child carefully for her growth needs
_ done something my child enjoys

My parenting years have not been easy, especially with a back injury. There have been many sacrifices. My children were so different, I had to learn two distinct parenting styles. My marriage wasn't always strong. I have  suffered traumatic losses of loved ones. Yes, there are many fronts to battle. Forging on with some clear anchors has made all the difference. And though the entire journey, I am encouraged and enabled to take the next intentional step because there is fruit - every step of the way, and now, there is a maturing of that fruit. I look forward to the days ahead!


Your journey will be different, but the basic ingredients are the same dear fellow parent.


Please share your thoughts, and help me think stronger with any questions you have in the comments.

Watch for the next post on #2: provide a sense of safety and security: are we rich?
To be sure you don't miss it, fill in your email on the right, and the post will be in your Inbox when I post it - the wonders of technology to serve us :)


And by the way, this is how the Bible describes those who turn to God in faith:

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, 

that we should be called children of God! 

~ 1 John 3v1

You are the best parents for your child(ren): so he's different, and it shone- because Love never fails.

When we think of kids shining - in our performance-oriented world - it's easy to look for trophies, accolades, performances and grades.

During the recent school holidays, my son invited his classmate over thrice. I have not met this boy before, but was glad mine is getting off the couch! We arranged for the boy to make his way to the train station. I was going to meet my son for lunch, and then we would pick his friend up. Then I remembered I needed to get the groceries so we revised our plan to include doing the grocery. Instead of having my regular one minion, this time I had two to push the cart! 

The boys talked incessantly. Boys! O well, somewhere between the bread and the cheese, I overheard mine telling his friend, "my family is very supportive of me...". I am not fully sure what they were talking about, and it seemed unlikely that they were comparing family profiles. I tucked the little gem in my now warmed bosom. 


When I pulled out the gem to examine it, I marvel. This is why the simple statement means so much.

My son does not shine, very much or very often. In fact, going by the usual parameters, he does not shine at all. He's never brought home As, received heaps of praise from teachers or get glowing approvals from peers and other parents. 

In fact, last year, as a Secondary school kid, he had some of his worst school experiences.

Our parenting and family dynamics are far from perfect. His older sister often runs out of patience with him. 

But the Bible says: Love never fails.

He can fail his exam. He can fail at meeting the expectations of a society bent on conformity and performance. He can fail at figuring out his best and almost daily, he fails to remember stuff!

But as long as we love him, we tie a chord of safety around him where his failures will never be final.

I believe this is what he feels when those words emerged, that we are supportive of him. He shines from the love he feels. It keeps him afloat in a storm-tossed reality that is common for boys who tend towards impulsivity, hyperactivity, and anger.

The following explains what it's like for boys like him:

It’s a sad fact that many students with LD or ADHD have more failures than successful moments in school, and this affects their attitude toward learning and their behavior. A student with impediments to learning needs a developmentally appropriate level of knowledge about his own cognitive profile. Without it, he is likely to attribute his lack of success to a lack of ability or intelligence.

Repeated bouts of fear, frustration, and failure in school create stress that builds up over time. This state of mind is actually neurologically damaging. It impairs brain function by fouling up the brain’s chemistry and even shrinking critically important neural brain tissue, making problems with learning and attention worse.

Chronic stress decreases memory and cognitive flexibility, as it increases anxiety and vigilance. This ratchets up a student’s alert level and gives rise to a protective defensiveness. As a result, too much energy is put into escaping the threat by avoidance, resistance, or negativity.

When teachers, administrators, and parents misread this behavior as willful or oppositional—not the defensive, protective stance of a student trying to avoid looking inadequate—they compound the problem by casting the student as a bad kid. Most students would rather be thought of as a “troublemaker” or a “class clown” than as stupid, and many, therefore, live up to their reputations.

Faced with real or perceived fear, we respond by fighting or fleeing. This is not a conscious choice; under stress, the so-called fear centers deep within our brain (most notably the amygdala) go on high alert.

When the fear centers of the brain are activated, the area of the cortex in the front part of the brain, called the prefrontal cortex, is de-activated. The prefrontal cortex, along with the basal ganglia and the thalamus, controls the executive functions (organizing, planning, and executing tasks efficiently) that are critical to learning. In kids who are already at risk for academic difficulty because of ADHD, the secondary impact of stress puts them in a tailspin. Just when they need this important part of the brain, it shuts down. When stress goes up, cognitive ability goes down. 

In fact, research shows that chronic stress is associated with a larger amygdala and a decrease in the size of the cerebral cortex, suggesting that repeated, highly negative experiences actually re-form the architecture of our brain.

The mental relationship a child has with a challenging task in great part determines how he or she deals with what comes his or her way. When kids believe that they have little control over a task, and they are about to look ignorant or incompetent (yet again), this triggers the stress response. When a kid’s brain is sending the message that “This is too difficult! There’s no way I can do this!”, fear centers go on high alert, and the thinking part of the brain shuts down in the service of survival. It’s a circular, self-perpetuating cycle of fear, avoidance, and escape.

Some days when I think about how hard it can be for children like him, I feel so broken, and so helpless.

But if I, the parent, the adult, cannot be that North Star, that stability, that strength, and that clarity, what hope will he have?

We have had many honest, vulnerable, conversations over the years. Often with tears. Frequently wrapped in silence and then a prayer.

I have wondered about trauma, questioned the system, petitioned the teachers. Then, I find I am alone, again. No one has answers, and certainly, no one can 'fix' this. 

It is our journey to embrace.
It is our quest to embark on.
It is our adventure to hack.

With God, by our side.

We sometimes don't work well as a team either. Our assessments vary. The father, the sister and I don't always agree. That can add to the difficulty. 

Yet- one day at a time, one meltdown to the next... we keep taking the next step. We keep coming back. We step back into the ring. 


My son's simple statement tells me that Grace will win the day, that Love truly won't fail, that family is about sticking by each other.

the lil warrior

He, made in the image of God, a precious gift and trust to us, is worth all the prayers, reading, observation, conversation, planning, and hoping.


I cannot see how it will come together. But sparkly moments like this one tell me there is a bright, fierce Light within. It will break forth one day.



Amen.


What's your story of love?


-------------


In case you think your child is stressed at school, look out for these signs:

> Refusal to do the work (passive or aggressive negativity)

> Devaluation of the task (“This is so stupid”)

> Acting up or acting out to direct attention away from the challenging task

> Acting “in” or becoming sad and withdrawn

> Exhibiting signs of anxiety (sweaty palms, tremors, headaches, difficulty breathing)

> Becoming engrossed in a task in which he is successful or one that’s fun (refusing to stop writing a story or doing a drawing, turn off a video game, or to take off a headset and stop listening to his favorite music)

> Efforts to encourage (“I know you can do this”) are met with more resistance

> Asking an adult to stay close and help with every problem (over-dependence)


How to de-stress.
Neuroscientist and Nobel laureate Eric Kandel, M.D., explained that just as fear, distress, and anxiety change the brain to generate sequences of destructive behaviors, the right interventions turn the cycle around. That’s what the DE-STRESS model aims to accomplish. 

It includes the following steps:

> Define the condition. 
Make sure that the adults involved in the child’s life understand and agree on the cause of the challenges. If there are “dueling diagnoses,” valuable energy is wasted on disagreements, legal challenges, and “doc-shopping” to resolve differences of opinion. The adults need to come to some consensus about the child’s condition. A plan built on guesses or misinformation is destined to fail.

> Educate. 
Informed adults (parents, psychologists, teachers) need to educate the child about the nature of his/her challenges. Only an informed child can be a self-advocate.

> Speculate. 
Think about how the child’s strengths and assets, as well as his challenges, will impact his prospects going forward. Think ahead: What’s going to get in the way of success and what should be done to minimize disappointments and derailments?

> Teach. 
Educate the child about how to use strategies that will address his specific needs and maximize his success. Give the student the tools he needs to take this bull by the horns and wrestle it to the ground.

>Reduce the risk. 
Create learning environments that focus on success and that minimize the risk of failure (small classes, individualized attention and support, providing time and space to reinforce learning, decreasing distractions).

> Exercise. 
There is scientific evidence that physical activity reduces stress. Make sure that the student is engaged in a regular program of physical activity.

> Success. 
Replace doubt with confidence by creating a learning environment that allows the student to experience success more often than failure. Make sure that fear, frustration, and failure are overshadowed by successes. Show the child that confidence and control are by-products of being competent. Help the child internalize a mantra: “Control through competence.”

> Strategize. 
Use what you and your child have learned about achieving success in order to plan ahead. Find opportunities to confirm that confidence and a stress-reducing sense of control come naturally from feeling competent. Teachers and parents should make learning from errors part of the plan, and help the child move from strength to strength.


Unless students have the opportunity to learn skills that allow them to bypass or overcome learning weaknesses, they are likely to exhibit the fight-or-flight response. Fortunately, the changes in neuronal circuitry associated with chronic stress are reversible in a healthy, resilient brain. 

Appropriate interventions like the ones mentioned above are simple, cost no money, and can result in re-setting the brain to a healthy state. Looking at stress through this lens will lead to better learning, enhanced self-esteem, and improved behavior.


The ADHD/LD label is not as disabling as one’s view of the label’s meaning.

Students who know they have a learning disability but who identify with the negative aspects of that label experience what researchers Claude M. Steele, Ph.D., and Joshua Aronson, Ph.D., call “stereotype threat.” 

Kids worry constantly that they will do something to confirm the stereotype that students with ADHD/LD are less competent than other kids.

Gabrielle Rappolt-Schlichtmann, Ed.D., and Samantha Daley, Ed.D., M.Ed., at the Center for Applied Special Technology, in Wakefield, Massachusetts…. have found that when students in a research project have to identify as having a learning disability before starting an academic task, they perform more poorly than a similar group of students who are not asked if they have a learning disability. Some take this as evidence that it is the label itself that is disabling, and make a case for not using it.