and then Narnia: surprises in new motherhood

M is for motherhood. It is also for Mystery, misgivings, mistakes and marvelous things!

I invite moms to share this month here. We begin with a new mother, Rox, who describes herself as 'an accidental saty-at-home mom, former slave to the corporate world; now a happy slave to her son Max'.

Look at Max, such a happy chubs ~

"Entering motherhood, for me, was like opening a wardrobe and stumbling into Narnia - a foreign land and a whole new world. 

w o n d e r 

There are battles to be fought, discoveries to be made and victories to be won. My identity and role as a woman shifted from a wife to also a mother and yet there were times when I felt as helpless as a newborn and as clueless as a child sometimes would with a new experience. 

I was suddenly set on a path to distinguish parenting truths from myths, to separate science from superstition and to sometimes decide between listening to my instincts or well-meaning advice. There is a barrage of choices to be made and theories to be tested; from breastfeeding to exclusively pumping to formula feeding, having schedules in place or following a baby-led routine, how to sleep-train and so on. Some choices seemed to invite judgment which then made me feel less of a mother and some made me feel wrongfully superior. More significantly, there will be choices that reflect my values as a parent; values that will inevitably be passed on to the child and could potentially shape his behaviour and beliefs. The voices of the world are many, loud and confusing, so it is a relief to know I could always turn to the voice of God, our perfect parent, for instruction, assurance and comfort.

And then there are the surprises; the loud burps that I can never imagine would come from such a tiny human being, the embarrassing farts that I thought could only belong to the husband, and the baby's ability to always wake up when I'm in the middle of a shower! I discovered that my physical and mental resilience could be stretched, that it was possible to function on little sleep and still remain joyful. I even started to exhibit sacrificial behaviour, putting the baby's needs before my own, letting my stomach growl angrily while satisfying his hunger. The maternal instinct that kicked in caught me by surprise - I became protective and passionate about every aspect of his well-being.

As I became more comfortable about my new role, the journey began to be filled with many magical moments - they say a picture is worth a thousand words but some emotions cannot be captured with either pictures or words. Thinking that newborns mainly eat, sleep and poop all day, I was proven wrong when my 2-month old son started responding to me with a variety of sounds - it gave me such a rush to be able to have a conversation with him, sort of. When he shows interest in a book or song, I wonder if he'll love reading or music as much as I do. I started to think about where his strengths and passions will lie and what kind of character he'll turn out to be!

Finally, I've come to realise what a privilege it is to be able to influence and disciple my child and I can't wait to see what God has in store for him.

Rox & Max

Suppose you're not such a great witness..but ..today . is . a ..gift!

This being a Christian thing can be unnerving
.

biting nails !

I remember my daughter struggling with it, and each time as we sorted through the debris of doubts and questions, this one piece will appear persistent, almost like it can crawl back after we toss it out: but I'm not good enough!

Somewhere deep within her (no thanks to our imperfect parenting) lurks the notion of 'measuring up'.

In my latest book Shed Those Leaves, I come right out and say it: Forget it! You and I - we won't measure up!

But how we hate to hear it. We want to measure up. We want to be good enough. What kind of wimp lets someone save them? That sounds so much like... failure!

But suppose we come to our senses and cry out for salvation. What do we do next? Go right on trying to measure up again! Habits, especially such ingrained ones, die hard! So commonly I hear -

I'm not a very good / strong Christian
I am sure that wasn't a very good testimony
There goes my Christian witness!

and it goes along with the expression of helplessness and a taint of defeat; sometimes complete with an audible sigh!

To their disappointment I don't hug them and say, "I am sure you are trying your best" - because sometimes, honestly, we don't! We don't care that much about God's reputation. But my quiet presence is not meant to be rebuke; it is meant to be company. I know. I am right there with you at notch four.

You see, I used to beat myself up.
Then I would get sick of feeling beat up.
Then I may beat myself up for not being firm enough on myself...you get the crazy routine.. until - one day, I realised I was having this conversation all by myself. I was deciding whether I was good enough, and whether I right about my estimation, my feelings about it and so on...

So I did a weird thing. I asked God.

Did I really mess up?
Was it that bad?
What could I have said / done differently?

God swooped right in on me then.

What is in your heart for this person / situation?

We are so bent on making an Impression when our witness is meant to be our Expression of Him!

Huge difference there.

Now I was feeling true, real, guilt that will make a difference. I saw the paucity of my love. I saw my priorities in clear light. I saw my attempts to feel good about being good.

It was a good, necessary seeing, the kind described as thus

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation and brings no regret...

~ 2 Corinthians7v10

I grieve often for my lack of love, a love that prays on knees, serves with hands, runs with feet, weeps with a broken heart and sacrifices that others may live better or stronger. This is a grief that empowers me. It doesn't in the end lead me to wallow in my lack; but to run to the Supply.

What about you? What helps you take the next step?

And one more thing God still says to me; which this video captures so well {you need a few minutes to enjoy this} -

the Gift of unrepeatable Today

Each day is a day for adventure, for receiving, for giving as we are being led to higher places or lower places -- and our witness happens in smile, speech or service as we express that bit of the Great God who mercifully works and weaves Grace and Truth, Life and Light into our days.

Sabbath? Nowadays... You have to be joking!

24 hours? That's an entire day! We don't have enough hours already as it is. Besides, what do we DO on a Sabbath? 

I don't really have a 24-hr Sabbath right now.  I hope that makes you feel better already and will read on, knowing I am not here to pontificate or direct your life.

In fact, I am writing this post because someone asked me about the Sabbath.

There's the command. How do you feel? What goes through your mind?

Let's back up a bit and observe how we respond to this command given in the Ten Commandments that back up God's design for life.

It is easy to see that our first reaction to it is really to reject it. We back up our rejection with 'empirical' evidence, the way businesses run, the extent of our busyness, the scope of our commitments and so on.

This approach is plainly faulty. It puts God's Word at our service, where our life habits and priorities are held so dear that they resist being challenged.

In truth, as a child of God and a disciple of Christ, we are called to continually challenge "the way things are" because the world is ruled by the prince of the air and he is antithetical to God and to life!

No business (or busyness) as usual for us!

Well, when I was a teen, I loved the adrenaline this "challenge the status quo" gave me. It was cool being counter-cultural. But as I grow older, I find that more and more I am exposed to, and at odds with the world. There are now a zillion ways to feel the pressure to conform: and the gamut ranges from the public arena of trying to keep pace with the successes of others which infects our work ethic, financial values, to marriage and parenting, to even the private arena of my personal health, habits and preferences.

Just recently, I asked a few ladies this:

In what way do you feel the pressure to conform to something in our culture?

You  are conforming when you have not thought it through, when you plod on even when you don't feel it's a fit for you, when you are grappling to keep up.... Yet, despite the doubts and perhaps even a still small voice that beckons, you remain engaged, and breathlessly so.

Unless - you - Sabbath.

Sabbath is to take a break from our mechanisms, machinations, methods and even motives. It is sheer rest, that restores peace and perspective, purpose and patience.

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:
“In repentance and rest is your salvation,
    in quietness and trust is your strength,
    but you would have none of it. ~ Isaiah 30v15

We would have none of it?
What madness has us in its grip that we reject rest and strength, so essential to living meaningfully with passion and resilience?

This madness is fed by several streams:

1. We mimic others

there is a powerful theory that explains how we routinely mimic what others do. All it took was the first selfie to set us all off. Clothes, travel, work, even religion. Actually, this is a short step from breaking another commandment: not to envy. But mimicking others come so easily and naturally to us. Being like others makes us feel belonged, accepted, approved. Those are innate desires which we have to meet.

But the Sabbath allows us to disconnect with this tendency (even bondage for some) and really find that our desires are met - in God's unconditional acceptance of us. Looking outside of God always requires us to do something (smart, beautiful, connected etc) to find belonging and acceptance. Not so with God. He invites us to rest from trying to meet our deepest needs ourselves.

As we disrupt our usual frenetic pace, as we lose ourselves in worship, Scripture, prayer and activity that rejuvenates us, we are being changed and empowered in small increments to become our own person, less dependent on the need to mimic others.



2. We struggle to trust God

trust in God is something we have to experience and learn. Thankfully, God does not refuse us salvation for falling short of the Sabbath! But without a deepening trust, our faith life can become shallow and even a sham. In a world which teaches that "if it's gonna be, it's all up to me", trusting God can be challenging indeed. Also, it is in the nature of systems to punish those who don't conform and we are afraid of the consequences of not keeping in lock-step with the world.

When we keep the Sabbath, we dare ourselves to take our hands off the steering wheel, to stop agonizing so much over outcomes, to learn to let God bless us. We stay away from work-related habits, stop checking our emails, occupy our hearts and minds with the gifts of being alive and being able to explore and enjoy life.


3. We are creatures of habit

most of what we do can be done without much thought each day, and our habits create a sense of safety for us. Doing the familiar gives us a sense of 'family', of being embedded in something trustworthy because it has worked so far. It is hard then to jam the brakes and do something different. Even working or being busy 24/7 is often a result of habits we form: keeping our phones with us and online, talking and posting (way too) quickly, saying 'yes' too soon...

The Sabbath offers us a different way to pass the time and expend our energy and resources. Solitude and silence can surface for us habits that may not really serve us. As we join with others in worship and serve the needs of a community or others, we challenge our habits of 'looking out for ourselves' or 'looking out for number one'.


Our mimicry, our lack of trust and our habits grow out of the soil of our lives here in a world insistent on being apart from God.

Notice that the Sabbath command ends with a call to holiness.

Holiness in its etymology is being set apart, distinguished, differentiated, distinct, separate. Hence there is a day in the cycle of days when God says that we are to live differently - in order not to be sucked into a way of life that is contrary to God's loving design for us.

Indeed the call to holiness is a call to a different kind of life, which is made possible because of a new birth:

... no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. ~ Jesus' words to Nicodemus in John 3

The amazing thing about this new life is the diverse ways we can express it.


Does it have to be 24 hours?

If God says so, I should think we ought to humbly agree. Alas, that can be challenging. It isn't just our paid jobs, but so much of modern life requires attention, energy and resources. To relax, we have to work to plan our vacations and so forth.

So for a start, we have to simplify. So much of modern living is clutter. While the first thing that comes to mind is material possession, the more insidious clutter is in our brains and our hearts. Do we have to spend hours scanning online for the cheapest airfare? Do we have to spend hours online shopping? Do we have to have work-meetings where we typically don't eat well or work well?

We need to get serious about wanting the life of salvation God offers us. We have to re-examine our habits and priorities and design our lives to thrive such that we discover a way to incorporate the Sabbath as a part of our lifestyle.


I said at the start that I do not observe a strict 24 hour Sabbath right now. Perhaps I am wrong. If I am thinking of doing nothing, then clearly I don't have that, or will ever have it. But if I see Sabbath as a posture, a priority and a re-purposing of my life, then I am on track. Certainly, I want to get to that 24 hour pattern.

But for now, I am practising another facet of restedness. Not in terms of time, but in terms of learning a posture of trust, prioritising time with God, and putting in place habits and things that remind me that this world is not my eternal home.

So I fiercely guard my time and ensure that my calendar doesn't clog with commitments. So I figure out what refreshes me and seek those things out. So I journal and pray to lean into trust rather than fear and fret. It isn't Sabbath-on-the-go though, as each of these things do take hours at time.

Then I plan for longer one day stretches and few day retreats several times a year. The barometer for all of this is not to keep a law because God may be angry if we don't, but to observe a command because it came from the Designer and it calls us towards our destiny as God's beloved children.

Jenni's help for you to cultivate a Sabbath life:
a) Books
b) Quiet Morning




 For those who like a bit of dark humour, here is modern life in twenty slides.

You are the best parents for your child(ren): the power of planning

Plan for peace.
Plan for growth.

I would never have believed you thirty years ago. To my plan-to-the-tee husband, I am about the most spontaneous person there is. (let me guess, you are married to an opposite too?) But I have come to see the power of planning.

You are the best parents for your child(ren) - plan for it to happen!

Married to a planner, I certainly had to learn to plan - in terms of telling him way ahead of time - what is coming around the corner; what I hoped to involve the whole family in (read: need his participation), and what outcomes I am working towards.I was chafing at it quite a bit; then I realised this: from day one that Parenting involved Planning.

When did I last feed the baby and from which side?

 She is going to outgrow her clothes!
 Which formula to wean her to?
 When are his exams.... so soon?!

But plans exist because they serve a greater purpose. 

We plan because it gets us somewhere! So the big Q is not whether you have a plan; but whether your plan will get you where you want to go?

Do you want a family that loves being together?
One that serves the community?
One where each person's potential is championed and supported?
A family where conversations are heartfelt?

Now consider the actual plans and priorities we have. Are we doing what helps us arrive at our vision, or sabotaging what we hope?

I still remember being asked when I chose to stay at home as a mother, "how can you give up the care of hundreds for one?". Yes, the Math did not seem to add up. But it was clear as a haze-less daylight to me. The hundreds can find another pastor; the child I bought into the world is my first direct responsibility. I will learn and I will enjoy this. That was the starting vision for me.

Along the way, I prayed and thought often about the vision of family and home life. With the vision, I put in place plans. The plans include:

 Good Health

 Spiritual Vitality

Diligence

Wonder at life


The plans always required me to seek these things in my own life and be a model for it. After all, more things are caught than taught.

I may have a helper to get certain things done; but holding forth a vision and living it out first, simply cannot be delegated. Grandparents, church and helpers cannot be expected to develop attitudes, habits and spiritual postures in children. It is the task of the parents to do so.


 Living cannot be delegated.

To have children who are interested in life, secure, who develop empathy -- I needed to be all these myself first. Plan . to . grow .


The pace of life in a city like ours can keep us panting. I know some full-time stay-home mothers who basically plan car routes, meals, tuition and recreation. They are ferrying their children from one thing to the next. Well, there are plans, and there are plans.


A plan is basically a roadmap to get from here to there. It considers the outcome, the resources, the possible hiccups.

In order to go away on a personal retreat to recharge myself, I needed to plan for caregivers, emergency phone numbers, even to plan a time to prepare the children (and their father) besides the aspects related to the retreat itself: booking a spot and preparing my heart.



But it is easy to be so caught up with the daily demands that we hit 'cruise'.

I drove a car once on a highway in the United States and tried the 'cruise' button'. The car basically drives itself! You just needed to hang on to the steering. My cruise mode lasted no more than ten minutes. It felt honestly scary. I wasn't sure if my reflexes would be good enough for me to change mode when something called for it. Crusising was relaxing and it was easy to become less alert I felt. Also, cruising happened at a minimum of  50km/hr speed and it kept at that speed. This meant that I could not slow down at will to take note of any thing I saw along the way. Everything would be given the same length of attention. Things would get monotonous and become same-same -- lowering alertness and increasing the risk of accidents.

Life can run on cruise mode too! Just the same basic motions everyday: wake self, wake kids, pack them off to school, start working/worrying, chores, the homework drills, more chores, maybe a little TV, crash into bed. It can end up feeling like a never-ending highway of things to get done. {for some parents with children who need special attention; this situation is very real and much more tiring}.

To avoid a 'cruise' situation, set aside time to plan.

I'll be cheeky and say this: all of us basically have a 'plan' to get through each day: grit and grin it.

Ok, seriously, here's how I do it. Remember I am not Mdm Systematic.

1. the daily just-in-case I forget something
I have important dates, details and datelines written on a whiteboard for everyone to see. There is even a message section for me to leave 'reminder' or 'cheers' depending on my emotional state! The schools hand out so many letters I found sticking them on the fridge felt so cluttered; instead reading it through and writing out the important bits helped us focus.

2. the weekly check-it-twice
Yes, don't we just love how the school and tutors have to shift things around {and we are talking pre-haze days}. CCA is particularly notorious at the Secondary level and of course, all the project work. The kids used to like to download the information and hoped I was listening. Nope. I was blogging dearie. We both got frustrated. So I learned to really listen, to write it in the calendar or phone or whiteboard (very useful). Slowly, I taught them to plan their week, to anticipate changes, and NOT to assume our schedules are wrap around theirs! "If I don't hear from you early enough, you take public transport, or go without that necessary tee-shirt or extra pocket money...". With both ends learning to plan, things are far better these days.

The weekly plan is not just for activity. Like I say, plans exist to support a vision. So there are already priority items on the plan: personal time with God, family devotion, church, caring for grandparents, and so on. I also include our meals as part of this weekly plan. The menu and shopping cart has some items that are served each week so as to ensure that we have a healthy diet.


3. the monthly pray-it-over-again
Humans are not static and neither are our relationships. We are habitual it's true and it can appear hopelessly beyond change. But kids - their habits can be shaped. Each month (it turns out more or less to be so as I will worry about them regularly: are they faith-filled, sutdying hard, up to mischief, hanging out with wrong peeps, onto porn {gasp}..maybe it's PMS-related), yes, more or less monthly I set aside some time to plan their growth.

Any thing to address? Any concern to dig around? Any issue blocking our relationship? This is the time I pray for insight into each child, and then make some specific plans to talk to them / take them out. A lot of it is not to 'fix' them; but just to share their interests and support their growth. I find so much peace here when I am able to release my fears to God. I also get all excited about being able to spend intentional time which will become a precious memory if not a wonderful time to align and form stronger habits.
My journal has sections specially with each child's name on it. It's cool to parent together with God!

Parenting is hard work. But it is meaningful, beautiful work. And anything worth doing calls for effort and sacrifice. 

A plan makes the art come to pass.


What art are you making as you parent?
What plans do you have?

You are the best parent(s) for your child(ren): #5 Legacy

Mastery.

Without mastery, we are a short step away from madness.

Exaggerated
Excessive
Impulsive
Divisive
Extreme

We turn any way today and we find these are true. From Instagram to news, from the private to the public sphere. Within borders and beyond.

Debt (from weddings to lifestyle)

Family breakage (from our way to my way)

Brexit (complicated, but the unmeasured words are a huge contributing factor)

Bombings (Sri Lanka, New Zealand…)

Assault (bloody chop-up at hawker centre)

Violation (voyeuristic videoing at a tertiary institution)

We love being masters. We long to be. Masters of wealth, the dream relationship, vacation…of the universe (albeit of the screen variety). But we are not meant to be masters. Masters own their success too keenly and often break apart when that goes away... Although we got the idea when we crown those at the pinnacle of their game, masters. But let that teach us it is all about mastery, a posture and a commitment, not a position.

We are meant to develop mastery.

“Let us make man in our image….and let them rule…” ~ Genesis 1v26

To rule, we have to know the rules.

So God gave us minds to inquire, observe, study, make connections.


To rule, we have to reign.

So God gave us abilities, gifts, opportunities to grow in knowledge, discipline, strength, resolve and resilience.


To rule, we have to relate.

So God situated us in an interdependent ecosystem.



This calls for us to develop mastery -

where we own our agency and submit that to a higher vision of a flourishing world.

We need to master our weaknesses -
so that they we don’t give in to sloth, compromise, convenience (plastic is a case in point), blaming.

We need to master our strengths -
so that we don’t detach from others and the larger vision of life, and start using people and commodifying everything.

We need to master our emotions, thoughts, impulses and choices -
by submitting them to a higher Authority so that they are revealed for what they are, and in trading in truth, we walk free.

And what better to illustrate than this entertaining and o-so-true experiment with marshmallows!

“I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free”

~ Psalm 119v32

This verse has a dialectic to it - where one leads and reinforces the other. Both are bound together: obedience and freedom.

Freedom is not being a master - getting your way. Today, that’s the message sold to us.

Self-care!
Express yourself
Change the laws that limit you
Change anything about yourself

There is no respect for the ecosystem. People can hurt, forests can burn, oceans can be poisoned.

There is no rest as we cast off our boundaries and limits, constantly coveting what others have.

There is no clear result of what we are pursuing as we break the rules and head towards anarchy.



It’s important we return to the mandate given to us in creation, which requires us to develop mastery.

Tragically,

There are grown married men who remain selfish and neglectful of those he’s meant to take care of.

There are mothers who abandon their children for ‘love’ and ‘a better life’. 

There are leaders aplenty who line their pockets and are blind to the suffering of the people who elected them.

And mind you, mastery doesn’t come with big strokes of genius. It is developed through the small stuff.

And here’s where Parenting comes in, and our worst fears too.

Where are the parents who are willing to develop and model and teach mastery because they can

budget, simplify and live by their values - which if you chose to be a parent - means you value life itself (not it’s accessories such as grades, fancy food and costly vacations)

do the hard thing of losing sleep, endless rounds of diaper changing, answering the hundredth “why”, sound like a broken record with “you cannot have that now…”

slow down to help the child grow his bodily, emotional and mental muscles when you know a mess is waiting, a meltdown is coming, a demand and a pout are moments away, all of which we would rather not deal with (have the maid feed and clean, give in, shut them down with your anger).

Heck, I would love to see parents stop using their phones when they are with their little ones! That would be mastery!

Parents, we need to stop worrying about the kids making it the future. They are designed to make it - if they have seen you model mastery and find they can too.


I have a plan (vague I admit) for every stage of my child’s growth. It starts with:

What is a reasonable thing that my child should be able to do at this time?

I believe the first thing was pausing to give thanks before drinking (after the bfeeding routine settled). Then came holding his bottle. Then came listening to instructions, and obeying them promptly (this is still ongoing ya).

Not so much to score your kid, but I found it fascinating as it helps me take note of his growth, give thanks for it and envision what is coming and work with it.

What is more life-giving than to witness growth?

The paradox is parenting is the most tiresome and yet most rewarding thing there is.

The boss may toss your proposal into the bin. Your best output may never be measured or commended even. But children - it’s pretty instant feedback! You get short shifts to stay on your toes, dig into your creative reserves, and draw on every ounce of energy, motivation, prayer and help there is.

Children plug us back in the truths:

Ecosystem

Growth through discipline

Rules exist

--- which lead us down strange paths of freedom.

And remind us that there is a vision called Life, which is Legacy.



Countdown to the 5 things a parent MUST do:

#4 Let Them Grow You

#3 Build Competence

#2 Give Them Safety and Security

#1 Build Emotional Bonds


If you have time, save this link where other aspects of Mastery are talked about: from faith-life to sex.
If your emotions need a bit of help, then save this link: Mastering Emotions ++

You are the best parents for your child(ren): how to bless your children

Mom bless
Pop bless
We bless you!

Every parent wants to bless their child(ren). But sometimes it can be hard.

It can be hard when you find your resources limited, you simply cannot afford what is touted as 'advanced, best, enlightened'.

It can be hard when they irk us with their demands, expectations, and what feels to us like pathetic levels of endurance and patience - these softies raised on a diet of fast, quick, and easy.

It can be hard if our picture of blessing is a plump and statuesque pronouncement that their future is secure because we have an estate or because, like those grand biblical figures, we call upon the Almighty and our word is good as gold.

It sure can be hard. It's hard to bless our children when we wonder if we are blessed.

To bless is a soul exchange. It is to impart and leave something that will live on. It is an extension of one's substance, a sharing of one's joys, an offering of one's life; so that another will thrive and exceed us.

What do we have within us and our means that can do that for our children?

1. We bless our children when we live blessed.

Every home is defined ultimately by the choices parents make. If a home is filled with anger, tension, a sense of lack and frustration; it is how the parents have chosen to live. A home that resonates with peace, joy, and abundance begins with parents who know how to find and fill themselves up with the these gifts of life. We cannot give what we don't already own.

2. We bless our children when we build them up.

God has shown me that parents are trailblazers. Each unique life is a fresh trail of possibility and love. Each child God's imprint of hope upon our worn ways and days. Parenting is about finding a whole dimension of yourself as you make sacrifices to help your child find his feet, his shoes, his path in life. I am mot thinking of sitting in hours reading the papers while waiting for your child to emerge from enrichment. I am not sure if that is sacrifice. But all parents have to say 'no' to some things in order to say 'yes' to their children's needs, requests and growth struggles.

It takes homework and housework to feed and fit a child for life. It takes targetted prayer and persistent effort to discover strengths, overcome weaknesses and explore territories.

Do you know what milestone is coming up for your child? What he may find overwhelming, difficult, enjoyable? We cannot anticipate every outcome and should not; but we should track where we are on the trail and find resources to keep going in the right direction.

3. We bless our children when we bless the LORD.

Recently, I have been coming up against a new kind of hard too. The voice that whispers, "You never had all of this. Kids these days are so 'spoilt'. Time to dish out the tough stuff..."

It's hard to be a blessing when you are assailed by doubts; and we all have doubts. After all, the terrain is new. The world is changing ever so fast. We expect too much or too little. We try too hard or not enough....

But precisely so, we need to find anchors and a compass to navigate our way.

Also I notice that this voice always makes me pull back from being trusting, generous and joyful: indicators that I should beware of its source.

The voice of dubious origin (perhaps not so dubious) often has some ground to stand on. In this case, it is true that our children have a lot more provided and going for them. Just consider the wonderful reality that is the air-conditioning. I did not have that. Even without global warming, I remember sweating and soaking through some nights.

Yes it is true that our children seem to have nothing to worry about except their studies (friendships, skin condition, clothes), but the more I recognise how the lack I grew up with impacted me; I am glad they have a secure base with which to venture forth from.

But generations come and go; and life will go on until it is time for The Total Re-haul when Christ comes again. In the meantime, all of our movements and crazy spinning can go off orbit unless we set in our hearts that our lives will bless God and that becomes our true north.

I know as a young person I struggled with what felt like a restrictive notion: living for God. But now, I discover how freeing it is, what focus it gives, and how fruitful life can be when we have a way to gauge the value and quality of our days without being bombarded by the whims of our unsteady hearts and the winds of change around us.

Psalm 100

Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth.

Serve the Lord with gladness and delight;
Come before His presence with joyful singing.

3 Know and fully recognize with gratitude that the Lord Himself is God; It is He who has made us, [a]not we ourselves [and we are His]. We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.

4 Enter His gates with a song of thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Be thankful to Him, bless and praise His name.
5 
For the Lord is good;
His mercy and lovingkindness are everlasting,
His faithfulness [endures] to all generations. {Amp version}

Mom bless
Pop bless
We bless you!

Because, God has declared it so.

And o, here is something...especially for fathers !

You, beloved, are an answer (in this dark, bad world), but not the usual way you think.

"Bad news sells".
"You need an arc, with a rising tension.."
"The hero must meet a challenge so great, he must risk death..."

It turns out, these are true, in news reporting, in movie-making, in our experiences.

homeless Koala

Still, we dream, yearn and often naively imagine life can be smooth-sailing. Which explains why prosperity gospel succeeds, why disciples hike off, why so much continues to break around us - from friendships to partnerships, marriage to parenting. We refuse to be heroic. We reject our villainy.

Yes - we are both heroes and villains. Light and Dark. Life and Death.

And the typical advice given is to grow the light, starve the dark (yes that tale about the old man with two dogs, one good, the other bad)... focus on the good, do more good....


Jesus tells us plainly:

No one is good—except God alone. {Mark 10v18}

You know, Jesus gets pretty absolute about things. We, prefer to hedge and fuzz.

Goodness is a God quality. We aspire, pretend, and at times achieve some good. Sometimes, even astounding good. But, our good acts aren't the same as us being good in essence. Because, honestly, our motives are rarely a hundred percent without self-interest.

God, on the other hand, is Goodness - because he really, does not need us or anything from us - but he considers our needs and cares for us.

PhyoMoe Agora Images

So I am going to suggest Another Way Altogether that will take the strife, comparison and hard edge off doing good. A way that enables us to honestly acknowledge our villainy and at the same time, arouse our heroism.

It is called Blessedness.

Blessedness is not an intrinsic or earned quality. It is bestowed, given, offered - and there is great power when we realise our blessedness.

Blessedness is not about avoiding pain, skirting hardship, being protected from loss, confusion, regrets or even recurring struggles.

It has very little in fact, to with the externals of your life: from relationships to possessions, realities to potentialities. Rather, is is a depth-experience of being wanted, being a great idea, fearfully and wonderfully crafted. It's the truth of your life as being valid, precious, unique...of you being sensed, felt, loved...

It is a truth that gets infused into the sinews and molecules of your being when ordinary life is touched by the Transcendent, when the temporal shimmers with the eternal, when the wind from angelic wings whiff close..., what Paul described as "being seated in the heavenly realms {Ephesians 1v3} --- a Position, a Posture, and a Potential that you cannot bargain for, access by force or sneak by scheming.

Instead, you are led to such a place, with royalty, with God, because you dared to follow...and you find yourself coming...Home. The one Home you have been searching for all you life!

 In this Home-space, feel safe, it's bounteous, and full of Life -- even though not a bit of your circumstances may have changed...  yet.. --

From here, you regard everything with a strange sense...like invincibility: 'how can anything ever really hurt you, again?'.  At the same time, you have a ready vulnerability, where you are no longer afraid and feel the need to hide your darker shades of your story.

Both the Light and the Dark become stark and real, and you know a Greater Truth embraces and encompasses both.

Your power of choice is pressed upon your soul and you find yourself choosing again, and again, for the Light.


At Home, in God's courts, which are held by the pillars of righteousness and faithfulness, there's no falsification, pretense or role-play. Rather, there's an inverted sense of abandonment. Whereas life in general reinforces our loneliness and weaknesses, often causing us feelings of rejection and abandonment, here, we can release our efforts and masks and rest in a security and safety that makes -no - demands of us, yet gently compels us to be the best versions of ourselves.

Home is where we belong, where we are beloved and come to see our Blessedness. Home is being with God in complete honesty and surrender.

And so, we can do the most good because we have come Home to Goodness.


The way home is a mixture of large, determined, upward strides, as well as small, consistent steps. These involve three trails.

(1) Detachment - to free us

This is not to become some unfeeling glob please! Rather, it's about refusing to be fooled into thinking that our identity and worth depend on people, possessions and pains. We can define ourselves in so many ways. Some choose family, others choose achievements, yet other still, frame themselves in their pains.

Things that are a part of our lives shape us, and may even confine us. But they don't have to define us.

Yes, every day, something, someone, your past or your future can threaten to cloud over the truth of your Blessed Belovedness.

But, if you step away from it all for a bit, and sit with the deeper truth that you are Blessed and Beloved, that in the midst of the hard and nasty, God is with you and offers you Life and Light.... in time, the veil is torn and you find that you are Home.

Try it and see.

Cry when you need.
Rant when you need.
Then, silence your rancour and let Scripture's cleansing and renewing power do its work.


(2) Contentment- to anchor us

Life cannot be savored in retirement. It has to savored now. (In fact, if you cannot taste life's goodness now, you may not later, and..what about.. heaven!).

Money loses its charm after a time, and can turn around to be a mean and demanding master.

Jesus used very graphic language:

the pagans run after these things... {Matt 6v33}

Running is a strenuous activity. It demands a lot, engages a lot, and leaves us winded. Running can also be rather addictive and during a second wind, you can feel rather powerful. But you cannot run forever.

When do you stop running? When you wisely consider and realise that there isn't even a race. Or when you are finally exhausted? Which state would you rather be in?

The practical way to develop contentment is of course, to practise gratitude*, which is well supported by health and brain science to have enormous benefits to our overall well-being.

When we are not busy asking -
"where is the good deal?"
"how come he has more?"
"when can I have ...?"

We can slow our pace to anchor.

A ship cannot anchor while sailing at twenty-give knots. It has to slow. Modern consumerism's evil is that we are being 'eaten' alive while we think we are 'happily consuming'. We have eschew the insatiable needs consumerism generates in us, slow down, and anchor.

We have to face the dark of our fears that we won't be noticed, known or celebrated. We need to soak up the Light that we are noticed, known and celebrated -- and by One who doesn't change His view of us because He is in a funk!

It is only when we anchor that we can be ready to be an answer to the many cries and questions that are churning all around us.

- Stock-take your consumer habits (turn off notifications perhaps)
- Design and live within a budget (it's a thing that works and is great for training kids)
- Make giving a regular habit (for eg. if you plan that each time you buy an item, you will buy a second to give away)


(3) Attentiveness - to liven us

Most of us live in the past (stewing over what went wrong or what could be better) or in the future (imagining what could be). Often, in the present, we are fretting about our responses and how others view us.

Where are we actually? Rather absent.

Attentiveness opens our eyes to notice and marvel at Life and Light. It makes complaining harder. Striving feels like such a waste of the moment. The wonder and giftedness of so much begins to dawn on us. Details present themselves to us and creates bold relief for us to recognise that we are hidden glory.

We take ourselves both lightly and seriously at the same time, knowing when to do which.


So friends,

Continue to bend towards the Light
Do all the good you can

But - follow the Spirit's call to walk into your Belovedness, where you touch the shimmering Goodness of God, and let it find its expression in and through you.

We can change the world we are a part of - through this deep, total revolution with us.

When we are attentive, we may be better listeners (and that will heal so many broken hearts and even help in the restoration of those who are suffering mentally) 

When we are anchored, we may be better givers (and how much inequality and injustice needs addressing) 

When we are freed, we may be better lovers (and how that will save so many relationships)

The Dark is real. It lodges in hearts. It connects on and off-line. It embeds in systems. The news, movies and our experiences magnify it. It can intimidate us. It can overwhelm us. It can unsettle us. But you know, systems are after all, practical frameworks and protocols established according to values we uphold.

Every heart
Every mind
Every life

that begins to sense, believe and live in the Truth of being Beloved and Blessed -- also connects and embeds and can be magnified, to the praise of His Glory.

So, our world needs -

goodness
serious answers
you.

*How To Be Grateful

How To Grow Up Spiritually

How To Press Past Setbacks


[I chose animal photography for this post, because animals are impacted by whether we are good or selfish... And birds of course, were used by Jesus to remind us to trust in our Belovedness and Blessedness].

something new: a blog hop, and my 4 answers to writing.

Martha whom I got to know on a facebook Writing group asked to introduce me on her blog as part of a Blog Hop!(if it were hip too...then, a hip blog hop...haha!). I said yes because -

i didn't want to say No to Martha! (I can say 'No').

it's really nice to have more people read my blog and find something they need.

reading other blogs have often been so life-giving for me. As a juggling stay-home-and-work mom; the internet is a useful source for this extrovert to feel connected with other adult humans; especially when they write honest, good, God-ward stuff.

What about you? Well with this Blog Hop my dear friend, you get to hop around a few blogs today just by clicking on the links! Perhaps you may find something just meet for your soul. I can pray so.

But first, remembering we met in a writing group and blogs are about writing; Martha asked me to answer 4 questions. So here goes -

1. What are you working on?

This is actually quite hard to talk about as I always have a few things buzzing around inside my lil head...and it all depends on what resources I come across and how much time I have. I am hugely relieved (though still nervous) about my recent book which launches in August, Shed Those Leaves - really an important message I want to share. It's about how we are so irreparably self-reliant that Grace is truly an alien idea to us. So it gets to the heart of the Good News. I am excited about the message and praying for it to have a good impact.

2. How does your work differ from those in your genre? 

The best response I get from my work is that I am raw and honest. For me, ideas are real and show up in life. Perhaps this is why even though I write non-fiction; I get into the material a lot and it's fun that way for the readers.

3. Why do you write what you do?

I do write a range of things - many stay in my folders. Mainly writing is something I need to do. It clarifies my thoughts and so helps me be a better communicator. I also preach and teach and train; and I always script for them. As for material; I write to seek meaning, connections, and a sense of hope. So whether it is on parenting, thoughts on what I read, a special features or reviewing a book; I am seeking to understand, and to help others find a way to see life that gives hope.

4. How does your writing process work?

I try to write a few times each week but I don't push myself to complete material unless there is a deadline! There is a lot of pre-writing when things are knocking around inside the head and heart though...but I found that often I write best when I respond to a surge of energy and ideas that seem to come forth from somewhere deep within. When I miss those moments; the writing tends to feel flat.

Now let me introduce you to 3 very different writers:

Martha
lives in USA, is a trained nurse and married 45 years to Ron, a pastor.
Her exciting blog mission is to :
help women understand themselves as daughters and not orphans
give women tools to mentor
encourage women to have cross-generational friendships for mutual benefit.

Now, who says "wohoo" to that?! I do!!


Next up, is "an ordinary girl striving to live everyday as God's big "show and tell" and
 simply trusting nothing about my past, present or future will be wasted in His capable and loving hands. Blooming where I'm planted and dancing on the dash!

We can all identify with that....
and I enjoy her energetic, honest, provocative writings.

Loretta

and of course, a fellow Singaporean ~ who was so closed to death, she now blogs at Alive & Kicking!
to celebrate faith, creativity and life!.
She is News Editor and you can check her favourite Scripture and songs on her blog.

Carol

Well, here we are, heeding the Voice and putting ours out there.
Let's hear yours too! Share with us in the comments!

You are the best parents for your child(ren): keep calm! {#1 of Being Parents/Family Life Series}

Got kids? 

Are you mom, dad, granddad, aunt...foster parent?  If you are the main caregiver (and ideally it should be the biological parents) then hold on to this: you are the best parents for your child.  To believe otherwise will sell out what you can do. Children also detect this thing called 'Unreal' very easily. I don't mean fairy tales - those are believable - but they know when we don't feel and mean what we say and do.

Yes there are days (sometimes many days) we dream of care-freer days where there was more money, time, energy (and sex?)...but the fact is  you.now.are. a parent and you cannot just throw in the towel; because lives are at stake. So -

Breathe deep.

You - can - do - this. 

The child needs you.

In fact, you need this too.

Yes, parenting is tough. There are so many easy ways to get mad with ourselves -

He looks so skinny

O dear, she's still struggling to read

I said the thing wrong thing -- again -- and now she's banged the door 

How did I end up doing this - all by myself?

There are so many moments we can get angry at the child -

Why did you hit the other kid?

 Can't you sit still? 

What? Spilled the milk again?

Why is this homework not done?

Are you even listening to me?

We get angry. Sometimes too angry.

Honest parents have concurred that sometimes they are a short step away from abusing their own kids - through words, neglect, or even punishment in a fit of anger. 

In my research for my book Simple Tips for Happy Kids, a line by a child psychologist stuck with me:

Children are petrified by Anger

Our anger overwhelms them. The energy burns into their soul and rattles them. Without the means to out-talk and out-reason us, most children are bewildered and lost when anger is frothing over like lava that melts them from the inside out. If this goes on often enough; the child becomes even more vulnerable - emotionally and physically. They will withdraw into some form of shell they must imagine exists to protect themselves. 

This is why it is so paramount that as parents we watch our emotional Richter scale! Fact is, some of us are more explosive than others and anger often erupts so we feel like we have little control. 

But eruptions happen because something is already boiling beneath the surface. 

Could it be our unmet expectations?
Could it be the pressure from others?
Could it that we are way too stretched by our ambitions?

We need to discover who we are and examine our hearts; and perhaps see a counselor.
We need to create margins and buffers.
We need to brave it and look at what is simmering within our soul.

I am not proud to confess that I have seen my kids cringe at my outbursts. But I learnt there's a way to Keep Calm. {click to read}

Keeping calm actually begins with talking calmly to yourself; for the anger has begun from somewhere deep within.

"a gentle answer turns away wrath" ~ Proverbs 15v1

Be gentle with yourself.

You are under a lot of pressure.
You need finances, solutions, energy, enthusiasm, hope and more... 

Ask yourself what is the next step required; not the entire map. Then take that step.

Be gentle with your child(ren). 

They are under a lot of pressure, like you.
They pick up your stresses.
They do want to live up to your expectations.
They experience the power of sin in themselves and others that can make them feel defeated.


I believe that children from households of faith, who have leaned their hearts Godward are born again with the spiritual capacities to love, hear and obey God. Trust in God's Grace and power at work in them.

Countless times when I have worried and panicked; I have heard through the tears and silence an assurance that 'they are okay' even if they don't seem to shine the way the world wants them to.

I have also found that gentleness with children always arises after I have prayed and sought God's love for them. His love fills me and helps me see them afresh with His eyes of patient, loving-kindness and great hope.

I turn and tell them that I notice, and that I pray, even if I don't always understand (esp for the teen). The anger that could build up within them abates and they soften.

Anger fuels anger --

be gentle with yourself so you can speak without so much edge and volume,
be gentle with the children so they can feel the freedom to speak up.

Then gentleness breeds a bond that is strong. How strange sounding; but so true.

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