Since young we watched nature documentaries. Before i could pronounce 'theology' i felt it... enjoy friends!

madness of faith

what is this deal called faith?
a madness.
isnt that the way we describe and treat those who have
friends unseen,
conversations with the air,
sudden smiles that light up the face,
uncommon strength, resilience and
dogged persistence?

why i seem to keep ...believing things will get better
that perfection will arrive
that hope springs up
people will change I will change
Someone hears me
knows my name
holds my hand

sign your name friend if you share this madness --
your days filled with ordinariness and yet streaking with glory
you died so many times yet live and
you plan to live forever because Someone told you so.

perhaps this is where we differ from those who get housed
we share this madness.

each time i walk the streets

each time i walk the streets

my heart tumbles as i see

lives, stories, minds, pains, longings..



our bodies are so smooshed on the train but

sharing air

nearly barely breathing properly

and yet

worse than strangers

it's like nothing is right next to us (unless he smells or make a noise or step into our space)



eating

buying

rushing

going

talking

looking

looking

looking



what is really real to us?



and Jesus - where is He?



in me.

in me?

safely tucked inside to be let out in church and cell?

in me?

trying to get out perhaps?

in me?

O Jesus, i dont hear and see the bodies all around

s'fraid i dont really see or hear u either...



so

now

what

marking Nanking - thoughts on a play

nelson chia's third take on the massacre was n honest, caredul attempt. he cleverly tried to stay out of the way of a subject to huge and intense to be easily interpreted, portrayed or even referenced.
however, he comes short of a deeper, more engaging delivery; because as he honestly adnits, after looking and reading the materials for so long, he does get numb to it.
but as the audience i am not numb and dont want to be. he tries to steer awat from shock value but the direction he is trying to orient is in the end unclear.
perhaps he can rest and come back with fresh hunger for a deeply disturbing subject most of us reduce to image and newsbyte: power, evil, and choice.
would being informed by the philosophers give the piece more depth?
could we ask what the average Japanese was doing, feeling and believing until the atomic hell befell them? did these ordinary souls not have any power of influence?
i want to come away challenged and changed by art.
but the poser at the end was a math question that could not do that. i can easily distance myself - i wont be pressing the button to release the bomb - yes, 250000 lives here, 300000 lives there...
and it's still faraway..but evil instincts - o have u never ever delighted in dark deeds..., perhaps that's too direct for our postmod milieu; but that is what makes art powerful: it seeks the truth.
HHistory will have subjective bits; but the truth still stares all the same. humankind has a dark side that can consume us all - unless - we face it and bring it to light.

i look forward to version 4.

garden views as Christmas nears..

Awaiting Christmas seems something we all know anything about Christmas does. We wait for the day - for..what? the parties, the gifts, the meeting-up-with-friends, or the obligatory family meals?

Since Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, then we await of all other 'waits', an encounter - with Jesus.

In the first Christmas* Jesus was born in a stable due to overcrowding and way too much activity to fulfill a political requirement. The conditions have not changed all that much has it?

But surely, if God became man, He must be looking for a home that is uniquely human - like each of our hearts.

So in the run up to Christmas as I spend time with Jesus, He took me on a tour of the garden of my heart.

The first thing i noticed were the weeds. How come so much and it all those old familiar places too...and some new corners they are spouting! Weeding is such hard work. I really wanted Him to wave His hand and like good Blu-Ray effects, have them morph before my eyes into more profitable growth...

Then i also saw some surprising blooms. One of them was called Stability. I knew i didn't know how to plant that one! If i am stable, it's more likely because I was afraid to move or at best had some vague convictions about staying... But the accents of red, fuschia and spring greens were astonishingly beautiful! The fragrance lingered long with me as i walked on...

Then a light fell all about me and the garden faded from view as I recognise afresh who was walking with me. He turned and said: "you are mine forever"..and then seemed to vanish from my sight even as i felt sure of His continued presence....

This morning, i gathered the kids, we learnt to sing an old song 'Thank you, jesus in my heart" in various languages, and made up a new one:

Jesus loves you and me
In our hearts He wants to be
His Spirit always sets us free
We love Jesus!


Welcome Jesus. Welcome Christmas.

*Christmas was originally a pagan festival date which the christians adopted as they wanted to remember the coming of the world's Saviour.

signs of acridity

recently i surprised myself - alas in a bad way.
 i signed my son and i for an art camp - three days of three hours moving, singing, inking, sticking..which was supposed to make us feel alive, give us great memories etc. We got there way too early so i let him do his mad dashes around while i try to take in what i can of the art and design pieces on display.
then i noticed it. a lady with her son came by; then another older Malay lady..and then we got to the area to register..and i was just totally lack lustre. no interest, no energy - not in the program as much, but in the people all around me.
i found myself sizing up the instructos and the other people with a nasty unfamiliar spirit of 'this better be worth all the money i paid". yuck! thankfully i did dive in and we had a valuable time. but mostly i did not succeed in shaking off the nonchalance toward my fellow human beings that morning..which made me wonder - and - shudder.
clearly love for your fellow beings never is a done deal.

vacation

It's the time of the year when everyone who has any means talks about vacation. The standard Q is "where do you plan to go?".
Vacation - tours to hot popular places, getaways, family hols..sound sometimes pretty vacant. We go with our hearts full and return mostly the same.
Someone once said that we wont die from over-information. we will die from lack of appreciation.
What exactly about those places do we appreciate? Cheaper prices? Local cultures? Different foods? Cooler weather. We treat everything as utility. Go where it is useful for us - coz it's cooler, cheaper, popular etc.
I feel weary of this attitude. But I want my vacation too: a good rest break, a new scenery to rejuvenate my senses.. i dislike the mad dash for good deals...and now i have no plans and little funds (due to my toilet repair
saga)...ha!
Also, i dont think going to someone else's land and using all that resources (flight fuel etc) is really justifiable sometimes..since when did we get the idea we need and deserve these things?
What is it that makes our lives rich and full, meaningful and powerrful?
A vacation perhaps. Or perhaps the choice to NOT take one and give away to those in need...
What do you think?
O please - let's go appreciate what's before us first...!
Happy holidays!

my book is out

Here is how it looks. You can find it at Amazon. If you fear shipping, contact BookDepositiry and enquire after it.

THANK YOU to all who believed and encouraged and prayed. God be praised and lives be touched!

write exercise

wokay. my son will barge through the front door in exactly ten minutes.
i have not written anything of length for weeks! so here goes. a writing exercise - where i randomly and intuitively pull out ideas, words, feelings...
colour - i see black.
o dear. certainly not a very pleasing chromato-zone unless you are some artsy minmalist. Hmm, i wonder what it shows. Yes, there are some severe things going on requiring grave thoughts..
word - change.
who, what, when? One of the things i thought about this morning was Psalm 1. i thought of the time i read it slowly and spoke about its meaning and several youths broke down and cried...there was a part of me that wished they thanked me more. Caught! this needs change - the need for "thank you's"...surely NOT any indicator of humility which lies at the heart of true spirituality.
Yes, i am also longing for change. No one of us is happy with the status quo - within and around us. But change, at what pace, what price, by who and for what end, in the end? Change can arise out of restlessness, envy, pride or purpose.

OKAY, the son comes in..and asks, "who is home?" with a tantalising lilt.
i ask him, what colour are you thinking about. He closes his eyes and says 'red!'

I got to go. It's an emergency!!

calling, conviction, comfort

As a teen, i was convinced by all the wonderful teaching i received that i needed to live out my life calling. it was the middle place between becoming like Christ and finding my role.

in my recent past, as roles and titles fall away and i entered a strange land where identity runs deeper, i love more by conviction, and learnt that my calling is not synonymous with an office (place/title/and even ourch - salary!).

The last few years of both expansion - from one child to two, having more mentees, and of focus - writing; kept me out of a lot of work that is forever crying out to be done: in and outside the church. Without a human boss peering over my shoulder, i experimented fully with living in step with the Spirit, which means to say 'yes' and 'no' not as a self-determining right but as a response to an invitation to greater discovery.

This necessarily changes my orientation, rhyhtm and even sleep patterns! I feel I have arrived at a place of comfort (not comfortable).

Coming up next it seems is a steely resolve to stay in this safe zone while taking new risks. Will I have what it takes to hold calling, conviction and comfort all together within my tiny being and see it expressed in a brilliant day-to-day lifestyle ?

CRI-ticise, -tique or Creative Construction?

From the food we are served to the air of our society, we have and frequently air many grouses. To criticise really is no genuis' work. All it needs is for you to have an opinion; and we all have opinions - they can be a repeat of some other opinion or a little more layered with more of our self thrown in. Criticism is easy.

Then there is critiquing. This is harder as it requires that you have some basis and ground for pointing out the gaps and sticking contrary ideas to holes you find in a situation. Again in our day of self-importance and information overload, we think ourselves very clever when we do this.

But so far, none of these really make for real engagement and change.

Like when my son's kindergarten teacher said after my son cheerily greeted her, "Why such a nice greeting...but in class, move here move there...". I acquiesced. But now I am pretty mad about it. What has she done?
Based on her preference for order in class and perhaps some training she has about structure and learning, she has criticised and critiqued (?) my son but done nothing more. He is not built up, encouraged or aided to further insight.

I am not saying we coddle our children and protect them from the truth. But, how about moving on to Creative Construction? In this instance, the teacher can see the child as a 'problem' or as a 'gift' for her to grow her teaching++ abilities.

She can resist relying on her knee jerk response and sinking into her preferences to see that as the adult she can take charge and bring change positively if she wins the child's affection and attention.

Likewise, for many of us, complaning is the norm. Creative construction is hardly ever considered. How can we take charge, add value and reframe so that things can be seen more positively and thereby energy can be found to move forward.

I think of conflicts for example. We disagree, of course we do. But most of the time our disagreements are rooted in criticism and critiques. How differently things will be if we brought our ideas tentatively to the other/team and seek creative construction. Instead of an either/or, we may get both/and as an outcome.

Creative construction demands too much from us. We are too mired in our little puny cubby holes. It calls for us to make connection and find reliance on a meta meaning. So in the case of conflict, if we believe in the meta meaning that we can keep growing as persons; we can ask 'how is this helping me grow?'. This Q immediately changes our posture and energises us for creative construction. We can go on to ask, 'how is this an invitation for the relationship to grow?'. If we can agree on the meta meaning, we can hang our labels and badges on the higher hooks of purpose beyond what we can pursue - and humbly work towards a greater goal: and not just my way versus yours.

For my son's teacher, I want to say to her "his enunciation is great. why not work on his strength?",and "i am sure you are able to find fun ways to manage all these rowdy boys".

Let's see what happens next!

high school 'musical'?

Last week was really fun. We had gone to Port Dickson to speak at a church camp, found ouserlves in a beautiful marina hotel..and i found old friends from my jr college days! Some of the memories remain fresh in my mind..
hunting for Lana choc cake for a friend
watching endless rugby matches
singing in our musical - the Vision singers i think we were called
moments of encounter with GOD at our fellowship (saints for Christ!)..

it's been two decades+ !... these few i meet are married, have jobs and walk with the LORD. am so happy for them all.

makes me think again of some others..precious individuals who touched my life. when can i get a chance to tell them?
we so often realise what people mean to us only when we/they have moved on..

today, people move even faster and more often. already my daughter has seen friends uproot, emigrate, change schools/church... and she is only ten. i am sure i never encountered any of that at her age. will it add to her rootlessness? or make her hunger for connection and intimacy and set her up for dangerous liasions?

I am glad she comes to me for hugs still. may my hugs never fail her. and my embrace and welcome never cease.

Tripping Point

Many have read Malcolm's bestseller Tipping Point...very potent observation about life. It is true: life is made up of moments and the momentous - the one leading to, defining and blending in to the other.
There is one other way to see it too. i call it the Tripping Point.
This is the way we think that trips us up again and again..so we make very little real progress...
Some common TPs are:

someone we cannot forgive
a memory we cannot let go of
an experience we use to define life
stupid thought connections because we are hurt and in pain
bad habits

I have become very aware of these TPs in my life these past two years. i resented their exposure at first (thankfully it's a personal disclosure direct from Him) ..but hey who am i kidding? my kids, spouse and probably a few girlfriends can see me tripping up.....again!

Getting past these TPs?
1. recognise them
2. accept them but dont let them define you or your future
3. get help to respond to them in real time, quick time - a verse from the Bible plastered on your screens (of mind, mobile and mirror), a friendly once-a-month coffee date to check in, pulling back being quiet to face the truth, not running too fast!

Let me hear from you please.

For a steady walk and graceful gait!

self-confidence

what is self-confidence about?
knowing one's strenghts?
knowing the sun-tzu outcomes of a given situation and how to navigate it to one's advantage?
knowing how to dress / speak / carry onself?

what is self-confidence? where did this idea begin?

when we are deeply honest about how unstable we are - our emotions can totally hijack us, our motives are often coloured by greed, fear and lust, the fervour of our efforts wane when the temperature rises... how can we speak of self-confidence ?

what is the point of it?
to feel good about oneself?
to prove something or someone wrong?
to make a difference -- and if so, for what?

When our selves get in the way, things just get murky.

love nearly fade

How fragile our love and loving is - when it's about warm, welcoming feelings of closeness, comfort and cosy-mosy fuzzies...imagine this, i almost, yes, lost love for my precious daughter for whom i have invented a dozen words of endearment!

She was so obstinate, so full of contradicting (me), so whiny...i was after her for hair pins, homework, music practice, meals...and all this after spending so much time as a stay-home-mom! something wilted within me. In fact we were trying to grow this plant which tested our faith to the limit by staying wilty - not alive, not quite dead...just a few minutiae of leaves at the end of its skinny two stalks - a perfect picture of how i felt.

O gosh, whenw e were in the car and the familiar whine went off, i just shut up. Cajoling was out. Threats were too tiring. But as i kept quiet, i could lmost feel the hum of the engine of my heart slowing down too! Like an early frost. Thankfully that sent shivers - and i shook myself and awakened to the realities that no doubt all good responsible parents face: the real possibility of relationships souring.

i hunkered down, wiped my tears and said my prayers. Then i got up and shook off my silly needy self and rose up afresh - a grown up, responsible for reining in my feelings and cultivating creative avenues for transformation. i opened the deep chest of memories and pulled out a few favourites and stared at them a long time until the warmth forced the frost to beat a retreat.

Then I stepped out again. We will grow through this - together.

coming together..

Over and over i see them: people.
everywhere.
my heart beats and skips as i sense the cry for meaning, rescue and healing..
i pray, entertain wild ideas, and then over the months, i became convinced that we all need to become Foot Soliders. Yup, those that walk on the job or do the work on the go...
Chrsitians already know we are meant to 'go'....but we arent quite going...because:
1 we are so frightened; the postmod milieu does not make it easier
2 we worry we will fail get rejected etc
3 we dont know what to do
4 we are too busy serving in church
5 we have so many problems of our own

so we do the occasional thing: invite to events etc..which we all know by now does not produce solid disciples unless they are then carefully followed up...

two books i read - miles apart - gave me ideas: Treasure Hunt by Bill Johnson and The Insider by Jim Petersen and Mike Shamy.
i feel it coming together
i want to get ready to be a foot soldier

perhaps this is also why i sense so clearly God told me NEVER be busy filling up your days with actitivies one after another.. it gives me space to hear HIm, to read, reflect and to make time for others...

o i sure hope i overcome my own limitations, OBEY and rise above my own narrow horizons..and have plenty adventures to share...!!

OVERHEATED PROCESSING
o boy
what a week..i did everything but write. not too good at all. so at least, before the week is over, here i am trying to write something!! this is very serious as i have two major datelines up which are totally ambitious...but in case you think i've been a major lump of inertia; i assure you not.
this week i had to process major thoughts and feelings relating to a major decision plus i am fed-up enough of our young people being preyed on and having their lives expended on surface issues aka consumer agenda; i have been thinking of forming either (1) a think tank to brin gback beauty, truth and wonder into all levels of society (2) a mutli-racial n religious group to combat advertising that is insulting to intellignce, offensive to moral sensitivites and degrading to men and women by reducing us to a bundle of nerves.

want to join me? sign up right here!

celebrate the ordinary

i just found this lovely little poem:
The Patience of Ordinary Things
Pat Schneider
It is a kind of love, is it not?
How the cup holds the tea,
How the chair stands sturdy and foursquare,
How the floor receives the bottoms of shoes Or toes.
How soles of feet know Where they're supposed to be.
I've been thinking about the patience Of ordinary things,
how clothes Wait respectfully in closets
And soap dries quietly in the dish,
And towels drink the wet From the skin of the back.
And the lovely repetition of stairs. A
nd what is more generous than a window?
Source: Another River: New and Selected Poems

bad mom?

Does every generation agonize over their parenting or is it just ours?
My son resisted and fought me this past week - he refused to go to his nursery class. Somehow, something had upset him and he changed from his usual extroverted, bubbly self to this scaredy cat the moment it was time to step into the large room they began their day.
I was of course frustrated on multiple levels: what will happen to my daily routine if he keeps this up? what is really bothering him; did something awful happen? what am i to do that will best help him and me? why is this happening to me?....
The poor fella tried his best to explain about some fear he has. Next comes the needful conversation with the teacher, and a strategy to move this whole uhappy experience forward in a way that will help him embrace changes and develop courage.
All this time, I felt a strange sadness with lots of tears to swirl it all around in...
Perhaps it's how we expect life to be efficient these days; but we really rant and bulk when there are surprises and challenges don't we?
We can try our darndest to be prepared but there will always be something that can threaten to take us off course.
I finally found peace when I sat down with a cup of tea and read my Bible and a book I had with me. Then I returned to the challenge feeling more clear headed and calm hearted and I saw I all that was on my side: prayer, asserting myself for my child's interest, the support of spouse and friends.
Phew. He still fights it; but we will win this small battle together and we shall both be stronger for it! Way to go sweet son!

when our logic fails us

if we are honest, our brains often hit a limit. what is a brilliant, even heroic thought can be scratched further to reveal serious flaws...a moment of illumination can only bring light when subjected to hours of scrutiny. For example, the famous "how can God be powerful and loving if he sends people to hell?"
it sounds logical but then...begs several deeper questions, such as:
what does it mean to be powerful? what does it mean for God to be all powerful? what kind of power would that be?

Ditto to loving.

Just that today, we live so fast and have so much info overload we have learnt to tune out - and alas, we have successfully tuned out a bit too much i'm afraid. We land in quicksand security. Not solid, not stable, and really not safe!

We have got to be more than our coffee preferences, laptop model, fashion statement, even issue/campaign devotion. After all, we yearn for so much more!

what a start!

on the 9th day of the new year and everything looks ... (complete the sentence for yourself!)
for the first time in a long while i went out for supper...early on new year's day. when we got back; we thought we would check in to see how the major cities are partying to welcome the new year (i still dont get why we do that?)...then we got the news: fire in Bangkok and soon enough... one of us has passed on..
i am sure parties are designed to take us out of the gloom and humdrum of life give us a lift, escape, sense of adventure and some kind of wishfulness...
But
within every heart and into every national psyche a fear has invaded us like never before.
i remember feeling nervous when i was 15 and people were talking about a nuclear holocaust.
15 years later, we have that possible threat and more.
*the invisible hand of price that the great economist promised would regulate things for us rational beings did not.
* it's not a few people in power that can press the wrong button and kill us; it's many of us killing each other today with compromise, corruption, hatred and vengeance

Naturally i shield these things from my kids or share it with them very carefully. No child needs to grow up feeling frightened and powerless.

And then yesterday's papers tell of grievous things that happen when our hearts are troubled: an abused child, a beat up youth ....right here in safe, sensible, practical Singapore!

we can hope these things do not hit us, that we wont be at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people..we can pretend we are not afraid and chase a wild time..we can rant and rave...

or we can grief for our kind.
look inside out hearts
look for help

and then we can party, truly party - for time is short; and life is worth living fully, freely and well.