Of doubts and 'what if I am just psyching myself?'...

Doubts plague all thinking people.

And some of us, we are prone to question, and so to doubt; more than others.

But because the world loves to operate and talk as if we all know what is going on, to harbor doubts can be scary for us. It smacks of a lack of faith. It feels like we are missing something. It feels like we may be have a loose screw jangling noisily that only we can hear. So we berate ourselves and make ourselves feel worse.

But then with I read a cry like this,

Why have you forsaken me? ~ Psalm 22

and know that we who doubt are safe.

Psalm 22 has been called the Messianic Psalm, and right here is the cry from the pain-fraught, anguished soul of none other than Jesus. He cries out that God has left the scene! Jesus on the cross and felt the Father’s absence as the sin upon Christ caused the Father to turn His face away.

If you ever felt the stung of rejection.

This is what Jesus felt. For the first time. In the most awful way.

Because of you and I.

Rejection is at the root of all our doubt. It is the fuel for the “what ifs…” we utter frightened within our hearts. And all of us have felt this sting before.

We think God is all ready to reject us.

But he is the sting-remover; the One who wants to come close and apply a soothing balm to this sting that acts up and cause us to shrink back, become cynical and even paralysed us into non-action.

What if she laughs at me?What if he doesn’t believe?What if I am wrong?

More than once when journeying with people, they say at some point, “I think I am only psyching myself. I am tired of pep-talking myself…”.

I get that.

The pep talk, the one we do to remind ourselves of hope; yes it can seem pretty lame. It’s just words, and often with a stinging pain, it feels plain powerless to make any real difference. Besides, some of us just aren’t the talking kind.

But listen. We talk to ourselves all the time.

We even talk to ourselves that what we say to ourselves is useless, or useful.

It’s kind of circular and silly;  or  it is powerful and deserves repeating.

It really works.

However –

Our self-doubting capabilities will kick in. So we demand some evidence -

If I am worthy, then why doesn't anyone notice?
If I am gifted, then why is my life so ordinary and I am so wrecked with pain?If I am loved, then why do I feel so miserable and weak?

I get this too.

We need to talk to ourselves.

But we need more than preppy, happy, ’clappy’ shorthand ways of describing life. We need more than clichés.

This means it is pretty important that we talk to ourselves properly.

Takes time.

Takes effort.

Takes quiet.

Often helped with a journal.

If you want to have a great conversation that unearths truth and sends light exploding in strange corners of your soul.

If you want to be real and authentic; which is required for intimacy and communion.

If you want to feel free and lighter.

If you want to sense a trajectory to your life.

Then talk to yourself properly.

Don’t stuff your feelings or ignore your fears. Don’t kick those doubts or trash those tuggings.

If you reject yourself, you make yourself more prone to seeing rejection in others’ responses to you.

Even more – rejecting yourself is an affront to the God who made you.

This is the God who declared each of us fearfully and wonderfully made. There is no mistake or manufacture fault from His point of view. But it's so hard to believe this when we live in a world that defies this truth and trample upon it in a thousand ways; demanding that we prove our worth and earn our space here. Founder of evolutionary biology Richard Dawkins recently tweeted that couples should simply abort their babies because it's immoral to give birth to a Down Syndrome's kid. That's saying a lot - and talk like this floats around in the air we breathe in each day. It can get hard to talk ourselves to a place of security.

This is why, the self-talk must give way to silence – when we listen to God talk.

Whether we intentionally shut up and read Scripture, and scrawl sightings.

Whether we sit quiet and wait.
Whether we walk in the great world he made and let bird, water, light send their echoes of delight into our souls.
Whether we draw, doodle, make music, move or squish mud to be amazed that these hands and this body and this mind can come together and convey beauty and longing.

For in the end, we are reflectors. We reflect what we absorb.

“In the beginning was the WordAnd the Word was with GodAnd the Word was God…Through Him all things were made;Without him nothing was made that has been made.In him was life, and that life was the light of men.”
~ John 1v1-4

The Word that's always been is what forms and makes and shapes. The Word gives definition and stirs to life. There is the promise here that we can be set alight by this Word that gives life. 

If we ever hope to have some light on our lives, the most important self-talk is to remind ourselves to go to the Word, the Life, the Light.

For a little more dissecting, here's the good, bad and ugly of doubts .

Getting older, growing bolder {with cat pictures}

No one seemed to have witnessed it.

There was a huge arc of light splayed apart in its constituent colours last Tuesday. I followed the arc and it flowed towards where I lived. For the first time in my life I tried to chase a rainbow. But as I grew nearer, I realised that when we stand right under the Light, the colours scatter all around and we may not notice it!

We remember the first rainbow as a promise that a earth-wide deluge would not happen like in Noah's days. But there is more. God is not looking to destroy but to heal and embrace and make real. The rainbow is what light really is. When it shows up, we are always surprised and a little dizzy with delight -- the same way
when we stop; and remember that we all stand under the Light.

And there is this choice to notice it.

"I am the Light of the world, whoever follows me will never walk in darkness,
but have the light of life." ~ Jesus in John 8v12

May I share something I saw under the Light?

Seventeen years ago, i decided to check out the meaning of my name. I found out that it means 'boldness'.

I sat deeper into my chair -- and the moments I was bold and the many times I was just plain scared, when I stepped away, backed off...all came tumbling into my mind.

Was I bold to choreograph a dance when I did not know a thing about dancing?
Was I bold to write that protest note on behalf of the class to the principal and so five of us got to see what it was like in her office.
Was I bold to trek off into the mountains of the Golden Traingle in Thailand with an two-week old cough?

Perhaps.

Who we are is given to us. 

While our mom and dad and so many fussing aunties or none at all look at us and decide on a name; they had no clue what to call forth from this tiny being all packed with future and possibility.

There were hints: I was the kindergarten bully - I sat next to this clueless kid who drove me mad and I made sure he knew. But I was also the one who would cry and refuse to go because I remembered I forgot my book. I was the pretty girl my mom wanted to spend her precious little on, but when she took me to the market and after twenty minutes when I stood my ground instead of accepting any of the frilly dresses, we ended up eating fishball noodles instead.

There are times when who we are might be crushed and squashed a little; even lost to us when hurt and pain can send us hiding because we think that's the way to be safe. But we die as we hide.

come on out from hiding!

This is why it also takes this:

Who we are is called forth from us.

Was I bold to walk into a new place and people and start being their pastor?
Was I bold to call myself a 'pastor-writer' when no one else did?
Was I bold to ignore the reasonable voices that I should look after the needs of a few hundred and not stay home to watch the souls of two?

The needs call out our gifts.
The convictions of our hearts stir the cauldron of our values and prime us to activate our selves.
The faith of others, when they see our gifts and affirm them energise us to arise.

Bold - is the standing up, being loud and noticed, making a splash and causing a stir. It is speaking up, being different, daring new things. So we think.

and we stand, now, upon Grace

But as I grow older, I find my boldness surface and surprise me. In fact, it seems my boldness is leading me away from the typical places where the bold tread: decision and power centres. But I see that a courage is being nourished and honed in this strange paradox of being obscure and away from the action. This process mostly involves me seeing my fears up close and refusing to cover them up with leaves; but to accept my smallness, to weep over my cowardice and compromise, and to rest that Someone greater has named me, given me gifts, and will call me forth. 

What have you been given?
What is being called forth?

And, haha this -

o kitty! not like this!

All Parenting must start at the very beginning...with Genesis

We love '....and they lived happily ever after'.... 

But -
that won't do unless it began with 'Once upon a time'... which makes it real, concrete, believable -- because -- it apparently really happened before!

Do our lives have a 'Once upon a time' too? 

Yes it does!

Perhaps this is why we connect with the stories and long for the logical conclusion: the bad guy is extinguished and the good guy wins and saves the gal; and they live happily ever after!

Sounds like heaven to me! {Jesus comes and vanquish his enemies and win His bride the church}.

Except --
to a temperamental teen and a distracted boy, heaven feels more real when the teen gets to whatsapp furiously with friends, while the eight year old gets to play without a care for time or chore with his Lego pieces.

This is where Genesis comes in.

I dream of perfection and highest joys with them. I remind them that heaven is very real, and is the longing of our hearts because right there in Genesis chapter 1 we had it. It was great.

But we messed it up. So now we feed on counterfeits and can grow callous and insensitive to the real deal.

This basic truth is so essential and foundation to parenting children (of the utero or spiritual kind). Genesis sets the stage for us to understand so much. Like they say, "if you don't know where you came from, you're likely going to lose your way".

The creation of humankind is our background story. It explains our glories, longings, possibilities and the very real threats and angst we feel. It can be taught simply to smaller kids and used with great drama with teens!

Take this conversation for example -

son : I'll be so happy if I don't have to work, but everything is work..even playing!
me : well, God created us to work!
son : {looks at me}
me : Do you remember why? (i whip out my phone and read}

let us make human beings in our image, make them reflecting our nature
so they can be ressponsible for the fish...and yes, Earth itself.. {read with drama of course}

See, it is part of God's plan that we work. It's good for us!
But you remember what happened right? {i remind him of the Original Sin and continue reading}

"the very ground is cursed because of you;
getting food from the ground will be painful..
the ground will sprout thorns and weeds.."

God created us to work, to take care of everything. Sin has made the work much harder. This is why we find it so tough; and we are tempted to become lazy.
But this is the beginning right? What happens later?

son: Jesus dies for us.
me : That's right! Now,you have the Holy Spirit within you. Jesus lives within you ..and listen carefully to this:

"do your best, work from the heart for your real master for God.."

This is the picture we parents want to avoid:

Helping our children embrace life involves helping them to see a huge part of life correctly: work.
Hopefully, our own view is sound too.

Genesis, the book of beginnings -
sets us straight, inspires us, and reminds us of why we need a Saviour.
throws us back to depend on the sweet Spirit to guide and empower us.
opens our eyes to the First Person of the Godhead, the only real Power there is, and so -
sets us on the solid ground of reverence and awe, gratitude and godly fear.

It's a very good place to start!

when your book launch teaches you what your book is saying

So yesterday was The Book Launch.

publisher's spiel

Here is the publisher sharing his excitement over his trademark and imprint.

I was very happy yesterday. 

The day had begun with the family going to support a local church we know for their anniversary where my husband was invited to preach at. We then drove over to The Arts House and found a free Sunday parking lot (these things bring cheer when you live in the city!) within walking distance from the venue. 

The event was being held at a historic spot - where the Parliament met for more than two decades - a place where words were aplenty, debates were lively and decisions were formed. I love old, historic buildings; and it was not typical to be able to launch a Christian book at such a venue.

Then the people started to stream in. I lighted up. Being the extrovert, I loved meeting people, especially my friends; and especially because city-life and motherhood just don't conspire to make getting together with people happen easily. Every face was so full of meaning and memories for me. One recently-made friend came with her family in tow and I knew it was her determination to come that brought the whole lot. My mind and heart was a-flutter for in each face I saw people who have taught me something from their life; I recount how our paths crossed; what we shared in the time we worked/talked/played/grew up together. I was dizzy with delight!

Yet all the way I was also a bag of nerves.

When the publisher first said, 'we should do a launch", I just wasn't too enthusiastic. It seemed so officious, so self-seeking somehow to go, 'hey everyone! come look at what I've done!'.There was a time I did that often within the chambers of my heart. But these days, it's just plain awkward. In fact, I noticed that I have lost my youthful optimism and blustery confidence as a small still whimper kept coming back, 'people are too busy". Sure, some people have told me they are coming. But we also needed to fill the numbers, and that was just hard for me.

The publisher picked up my nervousness and tried to assure me that there will be people who will support, my husband reminded me that there were people who loved me and cared about my gifts. But I kept having these doubts.

What I have written is so true. Being loved is hard for us. We are so used to working for approval. A book launch is like asking for love-in-advance. They haven't read the book, they may hate it. It may be a huge letdown... who knows? It's asking people to show up and say 'she has something worth saying'. Or perhaps, they came because they were curious (never been to a launch or the the Old Chambers), or they were obliged to (church friends?). It's horrible to think this way and scar a good beautiful thing. But we do it. I do it.

The Insecurity is deep. The soul-enemy loves to drum in the spaces of that crack in our souls and turn up the noise so that love gets drowned out.

I feel sorry to have felt this way. It felt like I let my friends down to have such a thin faith in our affections.

The only thing I can do is thank as many as I can individually for their presence. I know it has taken their time and effort to come be a part of something unfolding. But can I thank them enough for depositing love into my hungry soul and so being strength-agents for my life?

Thank you friends. 

We cannot get the Big Picture -- and it's okay...

We all like to know 'why'.
It stands to reason as we are creatures of reason.
Some of us are happy with a big picture; others need a lot more detail, so social scientists tell us.

Well, I for one am generally happy to begin moving in a direction once I know where the arrow points. But, with some things, details are necessary.... like needing some sign that your kid is really, actually studying, not just being told , "don't worry mom, I'm studying!". Right?

But sometimes, we simply won't get the Big, whole picture no matter how hard to strain to. This is how I found out recently.

My 14 yr old shared with us this year that she feels she is ready for baptism. As pastor-parents, we are delighted! But I must admit that my delight is tainted with some concern. Does she really understand? Is she really ready? I must admit that I agree with a fellow parent here: some of this concern is troubling as what it really reflects may be self-concern that we have done a good job as parents! Ouch!

The sleuth in me began to set to work. What has led up to this point?
You see, my daughter has an extremely questioning mind. When she was six, sitting in the sofa reading something, she suddenly looked up and said out loud, "Isn't it God's fault since He put the tree in the garden in the first place?". This is the first of a long barrage of questions that came, and with each year, they also became laced with a sheen of skepticism.

And then, clear as sky, I could see she no longer read her Bible or prayed. It was painful.

Well, we had spots of light -
she kept asking
she talked and debated with us (rather than turn away)

So yes, I wanted to trace what led to this amazing tipping point.

It wasn't difficult as they were all in the journals of my heart: the moment several years ago I felt God said to "fight for her destiny" and it quickened me to pray and continue creating a home where the spiritual is weaved real into everything and everyday. And then an event or two plus heart conversations... with a river of tears and prayers (mine and several dear fellow-moms) flowing beneath it all....

This is my version of what led to Baptism.

Then, during the service, she went up and gave her testimony. It began, "Hi, I am ...14..and the daughter of not one, but two pastors" to knowing laughter around us. This is all the mention we get by-the-way (the Ouch).

She then goes on to describe what led to this point; and guess what? Her story and mine doesn't fit! Not even an overlap in parts!

I thought God worked and met her in certain ways.
She talked about how God met her in other ways.

I felt a Holy Laugh.

I get it the next morning. My sleuth work isn't bad. It's just what I saw and felt meaningful. Her story is honest. It's what's real to her. And I get it: we cannot get the Big Picture of what God is up to sometimes. But we each have a sliver of it and it is enough for us to take the next step.

Yet moments like these - when we know what we know isn't all there is to know -- well, we bow and give thanks; for that's all we can do!

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are you ways my ways", declares the LORD ~ Isaiah 55v8 

As the Psalmist reminds us,

Who can proclaim the mighty acts of the Lord
or fully declare his praise? ~ Psalm 106v2 {emphasis mine}

Go on, be creative!

-- Why we must all create and be creative.

“I’m not the creative kind” she said to me and handed me the bulletin. I looked it over and knowing she had given it her best shot, replied, “you mean you are not creative in a particular way”.

Most of us think being creative is drawing, splashing colour, wielding the mouse and putting things together to get pretty, beautiful and classy. That is not exactly wrong – just that – we narrow it to

1. 1 Art and craft variety of creativity
2. 2 Only some can do it

Afterward, I continue to think about what the staff had said and found a deeper reply for her. Genesis says we are all created in God’s image. We bear some of the traits of God; not in His Godlike-ness but our humanity somehow cradles something larger such that we are not just spectators/participants of life but more. We were specifically called to be missional; to steward; and we are able to do so precisely because that entails qualities that rise above the rest of created order. One of those qualities is our ability to be creative.

Just think food. (some WOW food pictures)

It is mind-blowingly incredible what we humans can churn out with the raw materials we are given. We can mix flaours, tetusres, colours, looks. We can consider nutritional value, seasonal changes, production cycles… Consider with me that majestic animal that strikes terror in our hearts: the lion. Food? It roars back, “toss me a zebra! No dressing required!”

Being creative is essential to our being’s wellness; it is inherent and natural to our design.

Just think blogging.

For many of us, the act of writing, putting together ideas, stringing words and creating a message is life-giving (and it helps if it brings in the income too!). I have been writing now for more than ten years. It began first as a step of obedience, then sheer discipline, and now, it is mostly delight. In fact, many times I have found my writing practically saved my life when I can forge the flotsam of my heart and mind with a solid cord of truth and weird and wonderful creatures emerge from them instead of lurk around like shadows inside me.

Unfortunately, most of creative activity is lost to us. We limit creative activity to arts-and-crafts, and conclude when we did not get an ‘A’ for art in school that it is a lost cause.

In truth, our nature urges us on towards creative activity. This is why many who are in the workforce are extremely disenchanted. Most workplaces (including schools) major on conformity.

Stick to the rules
Appear competent
Push for those sales targets

Some are lucky to find that their abilities and creative energies are harnessed well. Most are not.

This is where hobbies can be life-saving.

But, there is a whole realm of creative activity that is not talked about: the home.

Here again, we think of creativity in terms of design and furnishing. We bring in the experts and pay them a handsome fee.

But in truth, it takes enormous creative energies to grow a marriage and to raise children.

It involves a responsive and creative nurturance of the home atmosphere – to build a haven of peace and openness.

It requires ongoing review and adjustments to creatively relate to children through the stages of life – to build and maintain a strong bond of love and trust.

I have worked in public relations, operations, taught a little, begun ministries and led a church. But the one role that has called for the most sustained effort, and broadened my inner reservoir of creative impulse has been parenting. Sadly, I believe that many women make the mistake of feeling that they are more creative at work. Yes, parenting has a lot of hum drum. There is a daily-ness to it that can drain the life from you; if you do not engage your creative impulse.

We were created to be creative; and in every season and sphere of life, we are animated and feel more alive when we will believe this truth about ourselves --- and . just . create.

A new recipe

Gardening

Blogging

Scrap-booking

Menu-planning

Conversations of loving-impact

Playing

Museums

Music

Musing

The list is long. Somewhere on it are things you can do, enjoy, and feel alive.

Somewhere on it, as you and I are willing to step off the treadmill and yell “I’m abstaining from the rat race”, we can be building a different world.

Go on, be creative!

Broken is normal in this broken world... and it's not an Iron Dome that saves us...

We are living in tired times.

There is so much bad news we grow weary listening to them.
Today, I simply had to turn the radio off.

After all, it's the same news all over again -
there is no peace.

Ebola, we first knew it from that movie Outbreak, a distant thing we like to believe modern science has conquered. But today, three nations are staggering to contain it, while the rest of the world hopes no one travels with it.
MH17 is one of three plane crashes in two weeks. There have been war casualties before; but today, we can all know fairly quickly, and get mighty angry at how protracted conflict can spill over to innocent parties. It takes a clandestine effort to pry open the normal processes of retrieval and resolution.
Speaking of conflict, the bombs going off in Israel almost reverberate here. Those militarily inclined report and post videos of how the amazing Dome is working its magic to intercept missiles and protect...

It would be good if intercepting ill was enough to solve our woes - then give us all a personal Iron Dome; but hurts and wounds come at us from so many places and ways....
And of course, it isn't enough in Israel's case, to intercept; it is necessary to root out the menace.
This is our way to seeking peace. Remove the problem point.

If it can be so easy.

As I get older, I seem more able to recall distant things, like songs I used to sing as a teen in church. O those songs, so many of them speak of enduring the earth and living as aliens longing for our true home.
When I was older, I was drawn to the higher energy, confident, even triumphalistic songs...but growing older does this: you learn there are no easy triumphs. Yes there are surprises, miracles and all about us is Grace-goodness; and they are the highlights and fireworks of an otherwise nearly unbearable existence.

But the Bible has already said it right there in the third chapter: we are broken in a broken world.

But - then - how do we not fall into the abyss of -
despair
fear
callous living
...  how not to live small lives of 'minding our own business' when our calling card says:

royal priest.citizen of a holy nation.owned by God.declarer of God's glory.rescued from darkness - for good

Well, there is chapters 1-2 before we hit chapter 3.
Those first chapters are the seedbed of our longing. It was all made and declared good. It was lovingly attended to, hand-sculpted persons with a direct breath of life!
And even in chapter 3, there is tucked in that dark moment of God and man/woman parting, of a cord that is not permanently severed. There is a promise of a reversal, a redemption, a rescue.

We are broken; but not irretrievably so.

And yes, events about us and things that we see within our souls can darken the corridors of hope but the doorway to hope is already open and we need only walk resolutely on, singing the songs - like this one:

Gungor's Beautiful Things


and remembering this -

a poverty-stricken spiritual life?

Spiritually poor?

This week I read:

Years ago I was consulting with a congregation about their future. In a large gathering of members, a question was raised, “what would you most like your congregation to do for you?”
Much to everyone’s surprise, the answer from one person was, “teach me to pray.
This older adult said she had been baptized, married, saw her own children baptized…held her husband’s memorial service in the church; yet in all those years and experiences, no one ever taught her to pray.....
The inheritance that belongs to every Christian is frequently left unclaimed. So many of us live a poverty-stricken spiritual life. (Reuben Job)

The cheque that was never drawn.

The gift that was never fully opened.

The meal that’s left only hastily eaten in portions.

The words we fail to hear.

The wholeness we miss….

It happens.

Joyless Christainity.

Cold orthodoxy.

Self-righteous convictions.

It shows up  perhaps --

Aversion to spiritual conversations.

Excuses from commitment.

Escape from community

Someone wisely said, ‘we need to preach the Gospel to ourselves everyday!’(and I suggest we do it in church too!)

It is easy to forget what it’s all about.

Life gets busy, We get hurt. Things get too much (pink dot, library books, wars and rumours of wars..)

In my soon-to-be-released book, Shed Those Leaves, I probe this.

It traces back to a Self that is basically far too alive still – where we continue to run on an operating system called performance, strife and competition. Naturally, the spiritual life becomes one more piece of work; and who needs more work?

Kinda like this?

The Word declares,

“How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He’s the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, 

and takes us to high places of blessing in him..

he had us in mind, had settle down on us as the focus of his love, 

to be made whole and holy  by his love.”

~ Ephesians 1 (the Message)

There is here a different plane to live from where we find ourselves blessed.

There is a different person to become where we find ourselves becoming whole and holy.

And it takes this:

“live by the Spirit” 

“led by the Spirit”

“keep in step with the Spirit” ~ Galatians 5 (NIV)

So this week soul friends, how about we confess ~

“blessed are the poor in spirit” {Matthew 5v3}

– and wait -- for Mighty Grace to swoop down and fasten us to the right winds that blow. Not to be tossed, thirsty and tired; but to be trussed and trusting as we live led and walk our baby steps each day.

something new: a blog hop, and my 4 answers to writing.

Martha whom I got to know on a facebook Writing group asked to introduce me on her blog as part of a Blog Hop!(if it were hip too...then, a hip blog hop...haha!). I said yes because -

i didn't want to say No to Martha! (I can say 'No').

it's really nice to have more people read my blog and find something they need.

reading other blogs have often been so life-giving for me. As a juggling stay-home-and-work mom; the internet is a useful source for this extrovert to feel connected with other adult humans; especially when they write honest, good, God-ward stuff.

What about you? Well with this Blog Hop my dear friend, you get to hop around a few blogs today just by clicking on the links! Perhaps you may find something just meet for your soul. I can pray so.

But first, remembering we met in a writing group and blogs are about writing; Martha asked me to answer 4 questions. So here goes -

1. What are you working on?

This is actually quite hard to talk about as I always have a few things buzzing around inside my lil head...and it all depends on what resources I come across and how much time I have. I am hugely relieved (though still nervous) about my recent book which launches in August, Shed Those Leaves - really an important message I want to share. It's about how we are so irreparably self-reliant that Grace is truly an alien idea to us. So it gets to the heart of the Good News. I am excited about the message and praying for it to have a good impact.

2. How does your work differ from those in your genre? 

The best response I get from my work is that I am raw and honest. For me, ideas are real and show up in life. Perhaps this is why even though I write non-fiction; I get into the material a lot and it's fun that way for the readers.

3. Why do you write what you do?

I do write a range of things - many stay in my folders. Mainly writing is something I need to do. It clarifies my thoughts and so helps me be a better communicator. I also preach and teach and train; and I always script for them. As for material; I write to seek meaning, connections, and a sense of hope. So whether it is on parenting, thoughts on what I read, a special features or reviewing a book; I am seeking to understand, and to help others find a way to see life that gives hope.

4. How does your writing process work?

I try to write a few times each week but I don't push myself to complete material unless there is a deadline! There is a lot of pre-writing when things are knocking around inside the head and heart though...but I found that often I write best when I respond to a surge of energy and ideas that seem to come forth from somewhere deep within. When I miss those moments; the writing tends to feel flat.

Now let me introduce you to 3 very different writers:

Martha
lives in USA, is a trained nurse and married 45 years to Ron, a pastor.
Her exciting blog mission is to :
help women understand themselves as daughters and not orphans
give women tools to mentor
encourage women to have cross-generational friendships for mutual benefit.

Now, who says "wohoo" to that?! I do!!


Next up, is "an ordinary girl striving to live everyday as God's big "show and tell" and
 simply trusting nothing about my past, present or future will be wasted in His capable and loving hands. Blooming where I'm planted and dancing on the dash!

We can all identify with that....
and I enjoy her energetic, honest, provocative writings.

Loretta

and of course, a fellow Singaporean ~ who was so closed to death, she now blogs at Alive & Kicking!
to celebrate faith, creativity and life!.
She is News Editor and you can check her favourite Scripture and songs on her blog.

Carol

Well, here we are, heeding the Voice and putting ours out there.
Let's hear yours too! Share with us in the comments!

God is real

I had several Jesus moments these few days.

It didn't come because I was at some conference.
It didn't happen because I was all set out to change the world.
It didn't come about as a result of any specific plans.

But Jesus came near to the broken, hurting, confused and I happened to be there.

As I  listen to their words tumbling out or their tears streaming down, I begin to feel Jesus' heart for them. I speak softly, "let us sit here with Jesus", "let us wait for God to show us"....

To the broken-hearted gal, Jesus dug a large hole and said, "toss all that you clutch in there".
To the confused man who saw everyone around him prospering while he seems to stagnate; who wonders why all of his giving is not returning, Jesus reminds him of true treasure and that He has noticed his giving as surely as he sees that old widow's two copper coins.
To me, the "what do I do now" lost child in a world of needs such as the epileptic lady trying to sell me stuff I don't need, I heard Jesus say, "pray for her".

Often, the Spirit also brings to mind stories from the Scripture and words of truth and promise that helped me to relate and share with them.....

An old song comes to mind, one I taught my youths (did they laugh at the tune at first!) which they grew to love --

There are some things

I may not know

There are some places

I can't go

But I am sure, of this one thing

My God is real

for I can feel him deep within

My God is real, real in my soul

My God is real

for he has washed and made me whole

His love for me

is like pure gold

My God is real for I can feel Him in my soul

you can hear God is Real here {click}

So soul, Jesus is near. Maybe sit and listen?

Perhaps you will see something. Or feel the Spirit's wind blow and remember to breathe, to slow, to hold the tongue, offer a hand, open your heart....

Seeking Faith

Faith is not fluff ; but sometimes, it can feel like vapour. 
It is hard to grasp and hold on to.

Over my fish lunch today I hear a friend share her struggles and she asks, "how is it faith doesn't seem to make a difference here?".

You and I share the sentiment. In our own lives, we wish faith can shatter the dark like a hammer or else unlock a treasury of new possibilities so that we can step out of these old tired shoes we have been wearing and are cramping our feet. Sometimes faith seems so powerless; like when -

fear and doubt darken the corridors of our mind and we shut down a little
discouragement returns even as we just set our heart to move forward
persistent pain stares us daily as things remain unchanged for all our thumping on heaven's door

We look at ourselves.
We look at our spouses, children, situations, and we ask, "how can it be done?".

How does God's kingdom come and will get done in this world bent of breaking it all apart?
How does it happen, and will I be able to really spot it?
How do I make it last long enough to become a happily-ever-after?

When will night give way to day?
when will the flowers finally open to the sky and bloom?
when will we really make a difference - that lasts?

We look at ourselves. And we wonder, "where is my faith?"

and God whispers,

"Those are questions of a faith-filled heart. You have not lost faith. You have lost sight of what faith is built on."

Then I lift my eyes - and He continues,

"It has been done."

I get it.

The Cross and the Resurrection has done it: the deep reversal, the overturning, the upheaval.

We are in the season of the dust settling; so we see unclear.

And because it has been done; it will be done.

Those who see, such as St Paul records his sighting for us:

"...Christ is all, and is in all (and we God's people) are clothed with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience (where we are able to ) bear with each other and forgive whatever grievance..and put on love which binds us all together in perfect unity as the peace of Christ rules in our hearts...together with His Word so that we are able to teach and admonish one another with wisdom and praise God in song and psalm, with gratitude. 

Then everything we do - let it be directed towards Jesus!" 

~ Colossians 3v11-17 paraphrased, Jenni c.2014

Our part -

"..if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. 

Pursue the things over which Christ presides."

"Don's shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, be alert to what is going on around Christ - what's where the action is. See things from his perspective."

~ Colossians 3v1-2, The Message version

Looks like we need to train our eyes to look past the obvious. Help each other here: share the good stuff worth looking at can?

And each of us on a quest: the perfect mate, the great marriage, the dream job, the 'calling'... place them where they belong: personal ambition, fear-prompted, envy-triggered or is the quest really initiated by God and is your Father's heart for you?


And some serious effort here:

"throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.."

 ~ Heberws 12v1, NIV

This week: what hinders you? What entangles and catches your feet so you stumble?

Share with us: fill a comment. You never know who you will lift up with what you share honest and faith-seeking.

When my son wailed 'I'm a failure!" and it spoke so much wisdom...

The routine was usual enough. Parents and caregivers stood around the school gate area waiting for the boys in blue and white to appear, noise first. As my son walked down the slope towards me, I noticed his expression of concern-unhappiness.

"Hi son!"
"Mom, I failed my Chinese! I AM A FAILURE!"

Needless to say, I promptly corrected his thinking. 'You failed your Chinese son. That is not the same as you are a failure....". But soon enough, God would have to remind me of the same.


We don't speak much of failures. But none of us get through life without failing some. 

There are even times when we feel like we are failures, living as we do in a world of successes. 
Today, a woman shares how a poor payment decision led to a huge mess and her losing her job. A few weeks back, a fellow mom watched her son step out of the house and she collapsed in grief.

A few months ago as I was reflecting on my own failings, and found that although it was one specific area of my life, somehow, a fog descended and because it wasn't a situation I could reverse, the failure seem to cling to my soul and began to eat its way inwards. That was when I heard:

... don't let one failing bleed into all your parts ...

God was warning me not to let a failure mark me. I was hurt, disappointed and bleeding in one spot. But if I wasn't careful, that bleed can begin to soak back in and cause me to malfunction.

When I finally met my fellow mom, she talked of how she was drained and struggling, but later got up out of bed to continue to care for the rest of her family. To her surprise, setting her heart on what she could do; she found strength again. She was even able to listen to and felt the pain of another.

Failing is hard for us who have lived a few decades. After all, we think: we are suppose to get better at this thing called 'life'. But sometimes, new things come and it's just hard. Parenting for example is a long journey of new things round every bend. If there is something that humbles us, parenting has to be it. So expecting ourselves to be able to hack life better seriously increases the burden we already carry. We need to allow ourselves to fail.

In fact, I posed this Q to a group of mature executives recently, "did any of you experience recently a surprise that you were not able to do something, or found something challenging?".  Everyone said 'yes'. I laughed out loud and we chimed, "life-long learning!!".

It does take us a life-time to learn about our own lives: why we hurt the way we do, how we heal best, what ways we can still function and even reach out when we feel cut down or diminished. This is the most important learning there is; and alas, it takes failure in the mix to learn it.

We are not a scroll recording accolades and success. We are more a a pot on a wheel going round, experiencing some harsh pressures and pinches as we take shape.

And here, dear friends, are some wonderful shapes that emerge ~

This particular pottery form holds such sweet meaning ~

What can.should happen when we sing 'You are worthy'...

It's a song we sing often in my community:

You are worthy of it all

But last Saturday, I felt as if God turned off all the music and sound, and a singular beam shone down on me as He gently probed, "Am I worthy of it all?". 

When you have lived more than four decades, somehow, you don't go happy clappy 'yes' so quickly. Not just so, I am in the wait-zone where He has seemed really quiet; or if he spoke, it has not directly answered my questions. Meanwhile, the wheels of life go round and round.... . Not an enjoyable space. 

And suddenly, I feel like I see this long uneven road all the way behind and ahead of me; and I asked myself, 'Is God worthy of all that I have gone through?" which is to ask -

Am I going about life in a way that reflects His worth?

If God be truly worthy, what price can be too high? Would't that mean joy ought to be a permanent exuberance of my life?

Do I consider that everything I have gone through of worth, since I believe He watches over me - and what's more, somehow, able to bring Him worth?

God is of course worthy of all the good stuff. He is worthy of all my best accolades and successes. He is worthy of all my mighty singing and crazy mixed-stepped dancing. He is worthy of the hard choices, the wee hours of prayer, the study, the pursuit, the quiet... but - to - think that - 

my life - 

with all of the dark splotches, the botched efforts, the present and persistent darkness, the rebellion, the running away... all of it gathered up and offered...and found to be of worth. God asks of nothing more than my life. And my life is a really mixed bag of gems and mostly hard-edged stones.....

I suddenly felt a strange comfort. Even the drear and weariness of seeming to sit forever at the gate waiting to take flight lifted off me.

The light that shone on me now shines from within as I see that the best of what I have in my tiny life is but God himself. Every decision, sacrifice, denial, dying, resisting, surrender --- leads to One thing: more of God. 

So is He worthy of it all?

If God says to lay down my dreams. To step on that pride. To step away, to step down, to step up... whatever, wherever, God himself will meet me at every turn and --

He is worthy of it all

for

He is the source of all that is worthy and worthwhile

So the song is really one of adoration as we marvel at how God Infinite comes to dwell in finite us and works patiently through the dark so His light breaks forth. Let's hear it again :

the song we are so blessed to be able to sing: You are worthy of it all

*

* i picked 2 different versions of the song just because you may like one more.

Because you cannot be overwhelmed ...a reminder of our power

I must have felt overwhelmed many times before in my life, but one time stands out in bold relief in my mind. There were many papers to be submitted, and I had chosen an ambitious project of finding out about the tiny Jewish community in Singapore and write up a research paper on it. I can still see that moment when my mind went into a whirl, I felt choked, and was completely sinking in worry, pretty sure I was not going to make it.

But I did. I breathed deep. I wrote a long list of what needed to be done. I prayed. I decided I would die trying. Then I got started.

Well, nearly thirty years later you would imagine I have had enough practice managing multiple responsibilities and some crises; so I should be this happy lark. This is the weird thing about life. It doesn't get easier - we don't get to be fully on top of everything, it just won't run like clockwork.

So we get overwhelmed - again.

There are two main reasons we feel the demands creeping up around us and we feel unable to tackle them to satisfaction. 

1. it is a particularly crazy season with simply too much going on.
This happens for example when there are plans and commitments and out of the blue there is also a crisis, or a sickness. This is why wisdom suggests we do not fill our days to the brim with plans. Buffers must be built-in.

2. you are actually hurt and in pain.
We all love to believe we are strong; and we are. But we do get hurt and suffer. In one sense, Christians who live with a longing for our true home carry about a pain and weariness because this world doesn't really suit us. But there are specific painful experiences; in fact, pain feels different to each one. Some painful situations don't resolve easily so we are actually living with a measure of pain all the time. This no doubt takes some of our capacity away. 

But even so, the pain is never the final word. Painless-ness is the final word, the apt description of where we are headed. So when we persist in pain, it is because we haven't given time to heal and found right resources for it, or we have forgetten Someone can take it all. We have forgotten to hand it over to Him. We have forgotten to take time for this all-important exchange, where we breathe in peace again.

This is the power I have: to gather up all that's a-tossed within my bosom and hand them over to the Prince of Peace. And how often do I need to do it? Very often. 

In the morning, I hand over what this day is about, how much I will accomplish.An hour later, I hand over my nagging concern about whether my kids are doing ok.By lunch, I have noticed that my heart is still heavy, so I take that to Him again.Evening comes and I find a clarity about my pain, I write briefly about where it comes from, and once again, He gladly took the list.

Often, as I hand it over, He hands me a little something that brings a smile to soul and face:
-notice that little bird nipping merrily among the leaves?
-an email that says "what you do matters, thank you"
-"my child, how can I deny myself and fail to be faithful?"

And then, last week, I learnt afresh about praying with authority. I felt my soul stir and my Father seemed to say, "there you go, forgetting again....". I blushed a little, but as I read, then said the words -- blood rushed within me like torrents of water coursing through the curves and edges within my soul, rushing from headwaters that have come unfrozen and is unleashing its force; His Life reviving within. 

Here is the prayer: 

“In the strong name of Jesus Christ I stand against the world, the flesh and the devil. I resist every force that would seek to distract me from my centre in God. I reject the distorted concepts and ideas that make sin plausible and desirable. I oppose every attempt to keep me from knowing full fellowship with God.

By the power of the Holy Spirit I speak directly to the thoughts, emotions and desires of my heart and command you to find your satisfaction in the infinite variety of God’s love rather than the bland diet of sin. I call upon the good, the true and the beautiful to rise up within me and the evil to subside. I ask for an increase in righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.

By the authority of almighty God, I tear down Satan’s strongholds in my life, in the lives of those I love, and in the society in which I live. I take unto myself the weapons of truth, righteousness, peace, salvation, the word of God and prayer. I command every evil influence to leave; you have no right here and I allow you no point of entry.

I ask for an increase of faith, hope, and love so that, by the power of God, I can be a light set on a hill, causing truth and justice to flourish.

These things I pray for the sake of him who loved me and gave himself for me.

 In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Perhaps this is a prayer you need now.

I still have years ahead of me. Moments of feeling like it is getting too much will surely come again. But - and who cannot help but laugh at this - our crazed upside-down reality that

WHILE we were sinners He died for us.
His Grace is made perfect IN our weakness.
WE ARE more than conquerors through Christ

All happening - God active in the present. Right now. 

So that every moment is shot with the possibility of changing the next.

So when we feel overwhelmed, we know we will not be- because we have this power to hand it over, and this authority to set it in the place it belongs: under His Feet.

So why not sing to it with this bunch:  More Than Conquerors sung by Rend Collective. {click}

Spiritually Destined, Desperate & Destitute - all at once!

This may seem strange, but it is possible to be destined and yet feel both desperation and even a tad destitute.

Destiny is the stuff of dreams. We are headed somewhere, there is gold dust and a rainbow (hopefully with a pot of gold at the bottom) is just round the corner. This is our idea of destiny so often. The thing is, when we have lived several decades, we invariably have said good bye to a few dreams. Some have crashed messily about us and we have been walking careful, hoping that we don't get splintered - again.

And so perhaps, the desperation begins to creep in some. Will my life count for anything in the end? What difference have I really made? I cannot even be sure my children are going to turn out right! Not another crisis?

Where is my happily-ever-after?

So the fairy tale diets we were fed haunts us for we thought we found the shoes, attended the ball, and even danced with the Prince; and now we feel like we are back to the humdrum, mundane, evil dark days of Ordinariness and we are destitute. After all, everyone else with their happy selfies seem more fulfilled.

And what happens? We hold back some. We step back, pull away.

I have been processing some decisions for many months. They are decisions that shape destiny. I notice afresh this morning that even though God has been granting me much peace, there is still that trace of desperation. I have made bold, hard decisions many times; and often it has cost me much. I would be lying to say they did not do me in some.

Disappointment can shrink wrap us.

Not only so, most of us live with an operating system that says, 'at all costs, avoid pain'. This is a dicey one. God designed us with nerves that avoid pain and detect pleasure. But we swing to extremes as usual: we run scared of all hints of pain. We forget how we have risen from the ashes, how we have stared death in the face, how the pain has sometimes kept us in safer places....

Jesus came, and taught us that pain may be a necessary friend. He helps us remember it for his chosen instrument is the Cross.

While we are never told to hurt ourselves; we must realize that being hurt is part of being human; and that Jesus not only understands and feels along with us; he has forever limited the damage it can do to those who turn to Him in simple trust.

"We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralised; 

we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; 

we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; 

we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken...w

hat we believe is tat the One who raised up the Master Jesus will just as certainly

raise us up..alive."

And perhaps, this isn't how you feel. It's okay. Let the Word wash over you until it soaks into your fibres and you are nourished to read it with resonance. For:

"Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, 

on the inside, where God is making new life, 

not a day goes by without his unfolding grace."

And why not join me over here to mark  Grace unfolding. For record keeping of the good stuff is what finally gives us shape.

And then, let's Dance to this wild promise; for that's the 'D' that can thread the Destiny, Desperation and sense of Destitution in our days. Dancing is feet that have learnt to follow Another's.

"These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, 
the lavish celebration prepared for us. 
There's far more than meets the eye...
The things we can't see now will last forever."

 ~ Today's Scripture taken from 2 Corinthians 4, The Message

Life like an MRT line

You have felt it  ---bodies too closed, all packed in the train...faces buried in smartphones, hearts fighting a thousand shadows. So much a picture of life: we nearly touch but we don't connect, we wish and long, but we fear push back. So we stand in our little spaces and try not to totter in the lurching movements, wary of others coming too close.

It isn't just the ride that reminds me of life. The MRT lines I found one day, did too. Just take these three:

NE (northeast) --  Not Enough line.
The moment we board the train of life, we begin a journey to grasp for more. It is never enough. We can do better, grow more, give more, be at more places, experience more....this relentless chugging for more. We live tired lives of pursuing the more.

We all ride this line.

EW (east west) -- Ever Worrying line.
I can sing 'I've got peace like a river' and do  all the fun actions, but the river of peace is often a long trek away from where I am. For you too? We need to escape life to find it. It's been called the vacation - we vacate and leave our hearts emptier of the burdens... Only to find they still sit snugly in our in-trays and sometimes even gets highlighted in our to-do lists when we return.

Many of us are here, especially us parents.

NS (northsouth) -- No Solution line.
There is that one person or situation you cannot fix. There is nothing you can do to change it. You are stuck in this carriage; the door it seems is jammed and the air is getting stuffy.

Some of us certainly feel we took the wrong train to end up here.



If we really took the wrong train and got on the wrong line, we would't hesitate to get off at the next station and hop on the right train. But these lines are different. They aren't so easy to get off; especially if you are tired and the lull of the engines have made you sleepy....


I have met many sleepy people. They will tell of their woes and go over their troubles but sadly, it takes too much to contemplate that they can actually get off these lines.

But listen, the Life Engineer announces above the lulling motion and noises:

" I am near. 

Do not fret or have any anxiety, about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, 

continue to make your wants known to me. 

And my pace shall be yours 

(that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from me and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort it is, that peace) 

which transcends all understanding shall 

garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

~ Philippians 4v5b-7

Last year, I jerked to a realisation that I had forgotten this teensy bit the Enginner speaks of here: by prayer and petition (definite requests)....make your wants known. 

We outgrow the basics to our peril. I began writing down specifics. And I saw specifics being answered. This means God is not good in some general sense; God is specifically, precisely, spot-on good. That's the power of being definite. It made me ask what it is I truly wanted; it made me come to know my own heart .... and realise how much God cared about how I turned out. Like a late-blooming teen finally getting it that his parent really does want the best for him (and in this case, the parent is perfect too).

One other thing too right smack here: thanksgiving.

There are always things to be thankful for. Seriously. Try it.

Thankful-living is deep art, a mysterious force that pries open our crusted, cynical hearts, so that we are able to look within, see what we truly want, and pray audacious. 

Don't attempt great prayers until you attend to grand thanksgiving!

The train is here. I'm headed Downtown. 

And souls, a lil' reminder: